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At times over the past 4 years Ive wondered if my strategy of avoiding my LO just allowed the my projection of my fantasy onto my LO?  Had i made an effort to get to know LO, would i have continued to project onto her the "idealised Anima"?

What is the anima/animus? Why do we unconsciously seek it?  From wikipedia: The anima and animus can be identified as the totality of the unconscious feminine psychological qualities that a male possesses or the masculine ones possessed by the female, respectively. It is an archetype of the collective unconscious and not an aggregate of father or mother, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles or teachers, though these aspects of the personal unconscious can influence the person for good or ill. 

 

Because a man's sensitivity must often be repressed, the anima is one of the most significant autonomous complexes of all. It is said to manifest itself by appearing in dreams. It also influences a man's interactions with women and his attitudes toward them and vice versa for females and the animus. Jung said that "the encounter with the shadow is the 'apprentice-piece' in the individual's development...that with the anima is the 'masterpiece'". Jung viewed the anima process as being one of the sources of creative ability.

This got me thinking about could increased contact break the fantasy and help us see the LO for who they really are? In other words, somehow help us interpret our projections so we no longer project?  And yet, in order to do this we would need to be aware of what our own projections are.  In order to do this we would require a significant level of consciousness on our part. And perhaps when we have reached this level of consciousness, we by definition would no longer be projecting onto LO and would then loose the desire to have the contact.

It reminds me that limerence is all about us and we are the only ones that can work this through.

And there in lies a key lesson from limerence, to become more self aware, more conscious and to take back our projections. Shadow work and psychotherapy can help with this. Feels like a lifetime's work.

 

Comments   

+5 # Gia 2015-02-05 22:21
Yes, in my case getting to know the person helps to cure the Limerence. No contact, avoiding the person/not knowing the person increases the Limerence, where untruths and fantasies replace reality.
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+1 # Jade Li 2015-02-18 19:09
For this to work, the LO must cooperate in agreeing to spend time around us -- not possible for many limerents. But if we use the template for treating most forms of OCD (e.g. obsessions with avoiding germs, crowds, etc.) treatment involves gradual EXPOSURE to the worrisome obsession, not avoidance of it.

Most "common wisdom" about limerence says there are only 2 ways to be rid of it -- NC and consummation. But what about regular, controlled contact so that the limerent can get to know the LO as a real person, warts and all? This Third Option takes into account the wisdom of helping OCD sufferers by using gradual exposure to a feared object, situation, practice, etc.

Of course that would require the LO's cooperation & perhaps even knowing why the LO needs the regular contact.

What do others think?
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0 # Andrea 2017-03-05 14:12
I am someone's LO. I valued our friendship, but knew something was wrong psychologically (very recently realized it is limerence). It's been about four years trying to "help" or deal with this friend's feelings and still be friends. It doesn't work. But it may be because the limerent person denies the feelings he has and insists he wants nothing more than pure friendship. The proof is in the pudding. I have been trying to get him to take responsibility for all the negative feelings he insists are my fault for being a horrible friend and ignoring him and not wanting as much contact as he does. He lays guilt trips on me and had mutual friends sympathizing with him trying to make me feel like there was something wrong with ME. I don't know what other conditions he has to make him act like this, but i'm sure the total denial of his obsessing over me is part of it.
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0 # David 2015-02-18 22:04
Jade you'll get more responses by posting on the main forum
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+1 # Veronics 2015-06-02 16:45
I have been in a limerent state for about a year and a half now and my LO is my ex. We have been apart 15 years or so with no contact.
Anyway, six months ago I contacted him to try and figure out wether my feelings were reciprocal or not and then maybe I would be able to forget it, move on etc. I still think this was the right decision even though he left me hanging, I needed to do that to really get over this but his lack of response has left me in limbo, I still have the same feelings even though I cut myself off from social media lurking, reading old letters and pics the same time I got in touch. I don't want to let it go, but I know I need to. I think if I could just be friends with him it would help me but I don't know if that will make it worse. I just learned about limerence this weekend and I'm hoping that with this new knowledge I can get my shit together.
Thank you for creating this website!
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+3 # Phoenix_77 2015-06-29 15:40
Having run everything through my head multiple times.... and doing massive amounts of online research. I have heard a couple of people (I am assuming ones who are mature and disciplined) who have said that regular, controlled contact with the LO has helped. I am currently attempting this in my situation with the aid of a therapist. I am also hoping to involve my SO so that I can at least get un-stuck from the feelings of disloyalty and guilt. and the intense self hatred for having little control over my obsessive thoughts. I will not leave my SO. I will heal from my issues and I will not compromise my morals in the process because I have too much that I've worked for for too long to lose it all over a compulsive feeling.
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0 # Jade Li 2015-12-28 18:09
Quoting David:
Jade you'll get more responses by posting on the main forum

Did I do that? What/where is the "Main Forum"? Still getting used to logistics here. Tks.
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0 # Jade Li 2015-12-28 18:13
Correction:
-- Of course that would require the LO's cooperation & perhaps even knowing why the *limerent* needs the regular contact.

What do others think?
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0 # David 2015-12-28 18:26
http://limerence.net/forum/
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+1 # Joan 2016-06-20 02:22
I broke off contact with someone I was obsessed with in such an aweful way that I spent the following months fantasising about apologising. When I finally did it didn't make it any better though, I fell back into obsession even more than before. The ridiculous thing about it is, that I don't even find him attractive, and that he likes me too. Even though I'm always composed enough not to take any approaching steps I'm so sick of the fantasies and recurring thoughts. Why does this keep happening to me?
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0 # David 2016-06-20 05:03
Joan, best you post your question on the forum, also lots of past threads on the forum on comping with limerence
http://limerence.net/forum/
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0 # Charlene 2017-02-10 20:09
May I just say what a relief to find an individual who really understands what they are discussing on the internet.
You certainly understand how to bring an issue to light and make it important.
A lot more people need to read this and understand this side of your story.
It's surprising you're not more popular given that you definitely possess the gift.
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0 # Paul45 2017-06-18 15:20
I considered the controlled exposure idea too and I can see the argument for it, to eventually see the LO as a normal person. The problem is that our LOs don't always play ball and allow us get to know the real them. Limerence is an OCD type addiction in my view and so the treatment has to be cutting out the source - contact with our LO.
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0 # David 2017-06-19 00:03
Quoting Paul45:
I considered the controlled exposure idea too and I can see the argument for it, to eventually see the LO as a normal person. The problem is that our LOs don't always play ball and allow us get to know the real them. Limerence is an OCD type addiction in my view and so the treatment has to be cutting out the source - contact with our LO.


The chances are that our LO's don't even know who they are - this as the root of their own narcissism and mirrors our own narcissistic wounds
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