I penned this in mid 2015 - with time and more deep work things are shifting at a great pace internally. Old corrupted scripts ingested from my early life and deeply encoded on my hard drive are being replaced by healthier beliefs. Its slow work as the grooves are so deeply etched.
If we want to deal with our limerence, we need to deal with their early life attachment wounds. The limerence is only a symptom. Limerence and romantic love is a reenactment of the Parental Rescue Fantasy (PRF).
What i suggest below is radical in the extreme and i would urge caution if you are going to attempt some or all of this rapid cure programme. You will need a lot of non judging support from friends that can hold you emotionally and give you unconditional love .
Everything i'm suggesting is stuff i've either done myself or am doing. Most of its been learnt since my own LE. It just took me 55 years to work all this out. As ever YMMV
- Go total No Contact with your LO. enough written here and elsewhere as to why. Our LO's are often high on the narcissistic trait scale and use us for their own narcissistic supply. They are literally toxic for us.
- Understand the dynamics at play in your Family of Origin (FOO). If they are highly dysfunctional (and when we have limerence, they often are) consider a break from them too. We need to break away not just physically but also emotionally. Many people do the former but not the latter. Emotionally separating away from parents will need great support from friends and others such as a 12 step group. I suggest you read Alice Miller and Daniel Mackler on this subject.
- Go celibate, no sex, no sex with yourself, no sex with others. Most sex is a reenactment of the PRF. Id suggest 6 months and see how this alters your perception on your parents and siblings.
- Read, read, read everything around the subject.
- If you're a man, join a men's circle or get yourself on the ManKind New Warrior Adventure training weekend.
- If you're a woman there are woman equivalents - Woman Within and Woman in Power.
- Find a guide or therapist that can support you with the grief work you need to do. Ask questions of your therapist to make sure they have done their own grief work. Many have not. In some countries, therapists (especially psychologists and psychiatrists) have no requirement to have bene in therapy themselves.
- Consider other forms of therapy that are not just talk therapy, things like Shadow Work, EMDR, somatic therapy, psychodrama, body psychotherapy etc.
- Join a psychotherapy group. This is a great way to understand yourself even more and how you behave with others.
- Join a 12 step group. Whilst not therapy, this is a great way to get support from others with addictive behaviours and where you will get help in a non judging way.
- If you have a toxic Family Of Origin, consider going NC with your family. This will likely be be even more painful and scary then going NC with your LO as you would have bene brainwashed by the cult of your family system. Many therapists will side with your parents as opposed to being 100% on your inner child's side. This is because they haven't fully dealt with their own PRF and so act out their own unresolved traumas on your inner child.
- If your parent/s are no longer here, chances are you are still enmeshed with them at an emotional level. Find a gifted person to help you with the grief work that's necessary. Not the grief of losing your parent, but the grief of not having the parent/s you deserved and grieving the pain your inner child suffered.
- If you are not in a romantic relationship (in most cases both sides are not very conscious so its just another reenactment of the PRF) then stop looking to be in relationship. The magical other is not going to fix you and being in a new relationship is going to trigger you at the deepest level. Is going to confuse the work you need to do on yourself.
- If you are in a romantic relationships have some radically honest conversations with your partner including disclosure and why you need some space to work through your own issues. I highly recommend you find a competent relationship coach / couples counsellor to support you and your partner through this process. Again ask the therapist what work they have done on their own relational trauma and PRF issues. Many therapists dont seem to really undertand romantic relationships and as for limerence, most have never heard of it.
- Do the necessary grief work. Let the feelings of your denial, anger, rage, sadness, depression, guilt, loneliness flow. My belief is that the only way we are going to heal and recover from limerence and our poor attachments that gives us low self esteem is to go into our grief. Its painful heavy work. You will need a lot of caring support during this phase. There are no shortcuts from this work and its where i see most people bolt.
The above comes with a grade A health warning. And when i mention fast track cure, im still talking of years and not months. I wish i could be more optimistic but i dont think a couple of decades of "abuse" in our early lives when our brains are highly plastic gets undone in a few weeks or months.