The following is taken from a paper on limerence by Albert Wakin & Duyen B. Vo. This is one of the best recent papers on this condition.
Intrusive and obsessive thinking about the LO
Spending more time thinking about LO than anyone or anything else
Difficulty avoiding, reducing, stopping focusing and concentrating on LO, despite voluntary control
Distractibility to the point where relationships and responsibilities are compromised o Persistent, exaggerated positive or negative interpretations of LO’s cues
Replay and rehearsal
High sensitivity to LO’s behavioural cues
More often than not, constantly replaying events that have already occurred involving interactions with LO
More often than not, constantly anticipating/rehearsing events that have yet to occur involving interactions with LO
More often than not, constantly imagining vivid experiences in which LO reciprocates feelings and intentions
More often than not, such imagined experiences create feelings of hopefulness for reciprocation from LO, driving excessive and unreasonable behaviours/reactions
More often than not, these actions compromise efficiency/productivity
Anxiety and self-consciousness
Make constant attempts to present self (e.g., in physical appearance, behaviour and attitude) most favourably to LO
Physiological symptoms accompanying feelings of shyness, embarrassment, and anxiety (e.g., shortness of breath, perspiration, heart palpitations)
Aching/pain in the chest or abdominal regions are intensified with increased uncertainty and/or increased signs of rejection by LO
Socially inept in the presence of LO (e.g., stuttering, clumsiness, awkward behaviour)
Shyness, embarrassment, and anxiety are heightened in the actual or imagined presence of LO
Strong, persistent, enduring fear of being rejected by LO
Emotional dependence
Strong, persistent, enduring yearning for reciprocation from LO
Feelings of depression and/or apprehension are intensified with increased uncertainty and/or increased signs of rejection by LO
Feelings of ecstasy are intensified with signs of reciprocation by LO
Affective lability
Longing and yearning for reciprocation are heightened and intensified with uncertainty of status of LO’s feelings
Longing and yearning for reciprocation are heightened and intensified in the presence of situational barriers (e.g., LO takes a new job, LO moves out of town, LO’s schedule interferes with or prevents spending time together)
Impaired functioning
Significant relationships and responsibilities are compromised due to preoccupation on LO
I'm sure I've been suffering from limerence for the past 10 months. But my LO became aware of it two months in through a friend of his who shouted it at me in a pub (in the presence of my LO). It was so humiliating. My embarrassment at this also constantly affects me also. It's difficult to avoid my LO due to our work, but I do my best to do it as politely as possible. http://www.limerence.net/components/com_jcomments/images/smilies//redface.gifhttp://www.limerence.net/components/com_jcomments/images/smilies//cry.gif
I have suffered this since I was 8. But it, thus far, has only been with fictional characters, in films, books, shows, etc.Far as real life, I have had innocent crushes. But never spent enough time with the guys, and saw their persona enough to become too invested. So my limerence tends to be guys who's personalities and overall character I have seen. And usually that's fictional work.Thus far, my limerence # is 55 guys.
It's been almost a year now and I don't feel like I'm getting any better. I went from being the happiest person in the world to the most depressed. No one understands. All they say is, you'll find someone else blah blah.... I just feel like it'll never go away. I feel like no matter how successful I become, no matter how much money I have, or time passes by, I'll never get over this. Social thoughts are constantly with me. I don't know what to do...
Limerence is a huge mountain to climb and yet it can be assaulted. It will take time, persistence and a lot of other tools. Check out the forum, where others can empathise and support you.
It's been almost a year now and I don't feel like I'm getting any better. I went from being the happiest person in the world to the most depressed. No one understands. All they say is, you'll find someone else blah blah.... I just feel like it'll never go away. I feel like no matter how successful I become, no matter how much money I have, or time passes by, I'll never get over this. Suicidal thoughts are constantly with me. I don't know what to do...
It will pass. It always does. It just takes time, therefore patience. It is like a habit to let go, meaning to be replaced by another, hopefully healthier one. I am speaking of experience, and decades lost to this, which were not necessary if I had known more. Fortunately these forums now give us that knowledge. Don't despair, and fare well.
When you experience the intense pain of emotional rejection you have to take control of your brain and thoughts. Some say our brains control us but I strongly disagree, as when the love of my life left me i was eventually forced to do the same. I was depressed and sick of the constant ache in my heart. Every time you think of your love interest - which I’m sure at this point is automatic, think of something else by force absolutely anything. It won’t be easy at first, the thought of him will continue to pop up, if you try your best not to give in, as days and weeks go by the thought of him will not interfere with your day constantly anymore, even though it might it decreases to the eventual point of nothing. He won’t be a prominent part of your life anymore and you can live again. There is one rule though. Obviously every now and again his memory will surface, but whatever you do, don’t give in to it or you’re progress in moving on will be reversed!
I'm so thankful to be able to name what is going on inside of me. I felt like I was going crazy. My feelings are not rational, and I know it, and it is helpful to know that this kind of thing happens to other people. Thanks for this website.
I have experienced all the effects, except for having the feelings reciprocated, i mean if i could i defiantly would but i want to be her friend and she is scared of me, she thinks i'm "stalking" her and its tearing me apart. All i do is sit in my room listening to Nsync and Maroon 5 and i'm really scared to talk to her, i want to but its really hard. I just want to be her friend.
I think if the feelings are reciprocated then limerence isn't so bad.. It's when we know they don't want us then the intense emotions and symptoms are magnified x200! Idk what to do anymore... Try to suppress the thoughts or go with them... Ugh just what I need to feel like, crazy!!! So glad to know I'm not alone in this... I commend you all for sharing and admitting to having this... It is a courageous act
Is the case of limerence when you both love each other and you know you will never be together, because all the simptomes of the situation are the same...
Yes. You google for Limerence , I bet you will have plenty of article where you will see LO may be limerent too.That helps with consummation. But if it does not translate into a true love in course of time (some limerence did give birth of true love ) and one of your limerence wears off then other will suffer from the pain of unrequited love .
Many thanks to this site. Together we can make a planet.. I am so thankful to everyone who shared their experience and came forward to help other. Knowledge empowers us.
Those who are looking for help - you are already being helped by yourself. That's why you are reading this site. - you found resources and now navigate your way to help you more and get rid of the limerbeast, I did , and you can do too. . But unfortunately I got close to a old friend since last two years, i went through all these symptoms written above . I have a perfect married life, more than perfect wont't be an exaggeration. So have started hating myself and badly trying to come out of this situation . I googled - how to end ' affair" . That was not help as limerence is not cheating and limerence is not 'affair'. Finally I ended up in one site where I found this term. I realized my problem and then I was able to steer myself out of this mess. Not completely though , that's why I am here today . But knowledge is the best power and you need to help yourself . Good luck !! and many thanks to late Dorothy Tennov.
I just became aware that the things that I have been dealing with for nearly four years are classic symtoms of this condition known as limerence. Every damn symtom to a tee. The most painful part is knowing that the LO as they call the other person will NEVER return the love yet I will likely spend the rest of my life longing for her. Pathetic! My mind understands the clinical nature of this accursed condition but my heart doesn't care and still holds out hope. Just fucking shoot me
Been there. Once you understand it as a type of OCD mixed w depression, anxiety, addiction & disassociation you'll be taking your 1st step out of it. Best initial advice: Be gentle w & don't blame or hate yourself. NONE of us ask for the condition. NONE of us "chose" it; so we can't choose our way out of it. ALL of us would climb Mt Everest & to banish it fast. But there's no speedy way. Instead we must create nu neural pathways in our brains 2 pave over repetitive limerent thoughts. 4 me, it started w learning 2 meditate--sit quietly & clear my mind of thoughts & rumination by concentrating on my breath. The process works like exercise. It takes time & practice. Here's a meditation site that helped me tremendously 2 overcome incapacitating limerence: tarabrach.com. My 2nd to last limerence episode so bad I got fired & accused of a crime. Thankfully, case was closed as unfounded, no charges filed once ppl learned I had a psychiatric issue & NO desire to hurt my LO.
I left a well paying job recently, did not show up to my own daughter's birthday party (at my home!), isolated myself from friends, all to be in the presence with my LO. The horribly confusing part was just less than 2 months ago, he's wanting me to be exclusive with him. Asking me to spend the night, calling me his girl when introducing me to his friends... It lasted less then two weeks. Then he changed completely. Tellin me to my face that he doesn't have the same feelings for me and he doesn't want a girlfriend. This is my LO who I pursued for ONE year as fwb. I have been in Limerant HELL since the day I met him, but the struggle/conflict/ agony has intensified over the last three months. I was 5150 for 5 days in a behavioral heath facility for cutting , because the intensity of this was too much to verbalize. I researched this term after my release and started attending group therapy with focus of mindful meditation. I'm barely able to go 5 minutes without thinking of him.
That sounds terrible. I'm so sorry you're going through that. I have experienced this with various people since I was 13. I have to admit it makes me feel better to know that other people have this and that I'm not crazy. I have been limerent over an unattainable man for the past year. (I am married as well.) The worst part about this disorder is that oftentimes our LO's aren't even good enough to lick the bottom of our shoes. My guy has very little quality characteristics, but it just doesn't matter. It's so hard to stop obsessing.
I am "in love" with someone who I have never dated or met in real life. I know this person through social media but he does not know of my existence. I've been crying every night for around 8 months because of the fact that it could never happen and i knew I was being completely irrational but I didn't choose to fall for him. I've stopped crying at night but recently I saw him in my dreams holding my hand and I woke up crying because how real it felt. Everyday I still think of him and pray for him because a part of me has love for him and will always care for him but there's nothing on earth I can do about it. I feel like I'm in a long relationship with grief. anyone reads this and is wondering why don't I just message him online and ask him out, it's not that simple. He has a fan base and gets messages from pre teen girls like that on a daily. Why was I suddenly different from them and what makes me any special? These what ifs only gave me mental breakdowns.
I have wrestled with limerence since the age of thirteen. I am now 43. First case was at school. It lasted about 2 years an was unrequited. Very painful experience. Second case lasted about a year and was also unrequited. She was my friend. A couple minor cases occurred over the next few years until at age 20 I met a girl and we had a relationship. We broke up a couple of years later. This was the darkest chapter in my life. I started to drink quiet heavily. She was in my head constantly for about 7 years. I became depressed and at one point contemplate suicide. I used to walk past her house hoping to get a glimpse of her. It was almost stalking and is one of the more shameful things I have done in my life.
Even still after all this time she still invades my brain but I've learned how to ignore her. I now have a beautiful wife whom I don't think has ever been my LO. I love her with all my heart. However I still have episodes of limerence for others which I do my best to ignore. The latest LO is somebody I met through my job. I was weak and I kissed her. Now my brain feels like it was put in a blender. I love my wife but LO has hijacked me.
Well, since I am anonymous here, I feel like I can post this embarrassing part of my life. I posted in another part of this site about my experience with limerance, which is KILLING mr. I'm so obsessed with this cashier at a store that I go to. I'm married, and am at the point where I miss my husband just so that I can imagine that it is my LO. The most embarassing part of this all though, is that I act out little scenarios that I hope will happen with LO. Including driving and putting my hand on the passenger seat, pretending that it is LO's lap. I make out with my arm in the shower, and I kiss my kitchen wall, pretending that it is me and LO. What is wrong with me? If he only knew all this about me he would want a restraining order....
I have an error. I meant to say that I kiss* my husband just so I can pretend it is my LO. So you can all imagine what I do during sex with my husband, that I imagine that I'm doing it with the cashier. I just got done checking Craigslist Missed Connections hoping that he posted something about me. I check it multiple times a day. This guy is taking over my life.
I think I've been limerant since I was a child.I have always had great relationships with friends and partners but always had these lo's secretly on the side.I always thought I was just crushing inappropriately but now my latest Lo has completely hijacked my world.I know it's all on me, I need to change my thoughts and learn to love myself so I can heal from this. I really am desperate
I am a total limerant. The 1st when I was 12. Divorced after 25 yrs of marriage & it happened again - so severe - resulting in another marriage. Oh -at 57 yrs old, still feeling like a lovestruck teen, but continues to drive me crazy and make me doubt his love for me. I drain myself of all of my joy. I wish there was a cure. I think sometimes I create drama in my head to keep the limerant high. Like self lacerating thoughts - to keep that high. Hate it!!
Though I’m glad I can put a name to these feelings, I despise my rather inappropriate case of limerance. There are many things wrong(in an “immoral” sense) with it that I’m well aware of. First of all, my LO is someone who is twice my age, married, and worst of all, is my teacher. Ever since the beginning of first semester(8 months), it’s been rather debilitating. I have a hard time focusing on school work, and I’ve drifted away somewhat from my friends. I also feel extremely pressured to do well in their class. If I get anything less than an A on an assignment or test of theirs, I feel physically sick and enter a period of despair, as I feel like such grades would make them think less of me(not so much the fact that I’d care about my GPA, instead). I hate myself for it, and how much of a hindrance it’s become in my life. Hopefully once the year is over, which is soon, it’ll fade away during the Summer. [Glad to get this off my chest; thank you anonymity]
Thanks for sharing #IFeelAshamed. Don't let ANYONE write or laugh this off (including yourself) as "typical teenage hormones" or other such nonsense. That's so wrong and so demeaning toward a young person. Is there a school counselor you feel OK talking to and seeking a referral to a psychologist outside the school?
I'm a 58 year old woman who started experiencing limerent episodes when I was about 20. So much life wasted with this condition and not knowing what it was.
Thank you. After I learned that hundreds upon hundreds of others were in similar situations, I began to feel better. Now that I know I’m not alone, and limerence happens to be a more common case than I had previously thought, I’ve realized that I shouldn’t feel ashamed.
Also, now that I’m well into the summer, my feelings have numbed down quite a bit(thank God). With no worries about any nerve-wracking interactions with my LO, I’ve become much better at suppressing any thoughts of them, slowly thinking about them less and less every day. As of the moment, I think I’m okay without a counselor or psychologist, but if feelings ever arise to the debilitating level they were at before, I’ll be sure to talk to someone about it.
Thank you again for your kind and encouraging words! And I’m sorry you had to live with limerence like that; I couldn’t even begin to imagine it. I’m glad you’re ok now, though!
I'm 17 and have been solidly 'crushing' on this guy for like 6/7 years. Its crazy. We don't even live on the same continent anymore... Our parents were good friends so I used to see him quite often... Despite living away for 3 years I still find my thought wondering to him like every single day. It almost feels like it's against my will now. I don't want to think about him, especially because any reciprocation is absolutely impossible. I act like a total imbecile in front of him, I can't even speak properly... Normally I'm quite a joker and srsly chill, but in front of him I'm like this awkward shy girl who can't even string together a sentence without saying um, or being rude/mean for no reason. *sigh*
How do I get over this limerence? I'm so sick of him invading my thoughts like all the time...
So I’m not sure if I have this but my symptoms are so similar. I have an ex that I was with for a little and she has completely moved on but I still can’t shake her. I blocked her and stopped talking to her but I still find myself constantly checking her pages and I daydream about her mostly at night and reread our messages and it’s became worse after she messaged me the other day and she’s just all i think about at night. I really hope I don’t have this and I’ve been having a problem lately of self diagnosing myself of everything. I’m just scared. I just feel like I’m still in love with her but I’m scared it’s something more. It’s been almost a year since I stopped talking to her and I don’t think I’m obsessed with her but I’m not sure. I come up with scenarios involving her. I had a similar thing with a boy but as a friend and I thought I had feelings for him but it faded. This isn’t. I’m really looking for advice
Hello i had these thoughts over many people in the past in long periods of time and i just now discovered it had a name and its not sexual its more of an attachment thing but i cant stop these thoughts and how much i enjoy their company and getting paranoid over simple stuff , its hell , cant i get rid of it and still stay friends i dont get it its like losing my mind.
Comments
Limerence is a huge mountain to climb and yet it can be assaulted. It will take time, persistence and a lot of other tools. Check out the forum, where others can empathise and support you.
I am speaking of experience, and decades lost to this, which were not necessary if I had known more.
Fortunately these forums now give us that knowledge.
Don't despair, and fare well.
wow
help :/
Best initial advice: Be gentle w & don't blame or hate yourself. NONE of us ask for the condition. NONE of us "chose" it; so we can't choose our way out of it.
ALL of us would climb Mt Everest & to banish it fast. But there's no speedy way. Instead we must create nu neural pathways in our brains 2 pave over repetitive limerent thoughts. 4 me, it started w learning 2 meditate--sit quietly & clear my mind of thoughts & rumination by concentrating on my breath. The process works like exercise. It takes time & practice.
Here's a meditation site that helped me tremendously 2 overcome incapacitating limerence: tarabrach.com. My 2nd to last limerence episode so bad I got fired & accused of a crime. Thankfully, case was closed as unfounded, no charges filed once ppl learned I had a psychiatric issue & NO desire to hurt my LO.
I really am desperate
I'm a 58 year old woman who started experiencing limerent episodes when I was about 20. So much life wasted with this condition and not knowing what it was.
Fortunately I'm OK now.
Also, now that I’m well into the summer, my feelings have numbed down quite a bit(thank God). With no worries about any nerve-wracking interactions with my LO, I’ve become much better at suppressing any thoughts of them, slowly thinking about them less and less every day. As of the moment, I think I’m okay without a counselor or psychologist, but if feelings ever arise to the debilitating level they were at before, I’ll be sure to talk to someone about it.
Thank you again for your kind and encouraging words! And I’m sorry you had to live with limerence like that; I couldn’t even begin to imagine it. I’m glad you’re ok now, though!
How do I get over this limerence? I'm so sick of him invading my thoughts like all the time...
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