I continue to revise this list based on my own and other's growing knowledge and experience. That said, there is still a woeful lack of research on treatments for limerence.
This list is based on my own experience of healing from limerence, having read hundreds of other people's' stories and also from the many clients i've coached and counselled with limerence, addictions and attachment trauma.
Latest update is February 2017
The one thing i can't stress more than anything is limerence is all about us. Our LO's are just catalysts. They are mirrors that show us our own difficulties in forming healthy relationships. There is no magical other, no quick fix through the emotional turmoil. If we leave our current relationship to be with LO, we take ourselves and all our emotional baggage with us and miss the opportunity of doing some really deep and important growth work.
Cut off all contact with your LO Going NC is hard, but it's really important. Why? The main reason is that contact with LO stimulates your limerence. Contact with LO just re-energizes your emotional ties. By the way, if you slip up, just dust yourself off, forgive yourself and go back to your plan. Contact means every kind of contact. You'll do well to cut off all social media contact, too. No texting, no searching for pictures, etc.
Get into psychotherapy Few therapists have heard of the term limerence, but most will be familiar with relational trauma and attachment wounds. We need to explore these early life wounds and get reconnected to our feelings that we cut off from in early life. Therapy helps with this.
Join a 12 step program. If there is a SLAA (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous) group, even better Im not totally sold on the ritualistically following of the steps themselves, however there is something very powerful and supportive in being amongst others that are struggling with similar issues.
Consider relationship coaching / couples counselling. Limerence often occurs when there are cracks in our primary relationship. Limerence is also a symptom of relational trauma from early life attachment wounds. Jumping ship to a new relationship is not the answer for limerence. Better we invest our energy in how we relate to our partner and how they relate to us. Relationships take two to tango so hopefully your partner will aso commit to the process.
Explore the dynamics of your Family of Origin. As mentioned above Limerence usually if not always stems from early life attachment trauma. Understanding the dynamics that were at play in your family whilst growing up will better help you see how these are replayed in your current relationships.
Break the habit of thinking/obsessing/fantasizing about LO I'll hit the high points here, but this is a MAJOR part of dealing with limerence, so don't skip over it. Habits are all about triggers that stimulate an action which leads to a perceived reward. In the case of limerence, something (a trigger) will cause you to think of LO (the action) which will bring you pleasure (the reward) for a moment. First, identify as many as possible of the triggers that stimulate your obsessive thinking about LO. There will probably be a lot of them if you've been limerent for very long. For example, you may associate LO with a particular song. You need to stop listening to that song while you are limerent. The key is to take a way as many things that trigger your limerent thoughts. You may have to change some of your routines. For those triggers that you can't take away, you need to work at substituting another action to break the habit. I found that substituting another pleasurable thought or fantasy in place of thinking about LO sometimes worked. Breaking these habits is a long-term effort. It's not about being perfect, but just breaking down your habitual thinking about LO. There are two good books that might help: "The Power of Habits" and "The Willpower Instinct."
Resist the urge to disclose to LO For many of us disclosure becomes an all consuming thought. Im of the view that disclosure very rarely gives us the relief we are seeking. As limerence is all about us, we don't need LO's input into our healing work. The only exception to this I would add is if your LO is your psychotherapist, but sadly my own experience and of others has been even in these situations, it seems few therapists have done the really deep work on their own attachment traumas and thus are poorly equipped to deal with the transference issues.
Disclose to your SO If in a committed monogamous relationship, then I'd suggest this is an [i]ideal[/i] to aim for. I appreciate this is fraught with risk for some but if were really going to nurture our primary relationship, it needs to be built on honesty and trust. That means sharing difficult stuff. It may be you need some marriage counselling first.
Think of limerence as a creature- the limerbeast-that you are battling for control of your mind and emotions. The limerbeast is big and strong and living comfortably in your brain like a hookworm so it's virtually impossible to fight it head-on. I found that the best way to fight it was by small acts of defiance, such as: distracting myself from thinking about LO for a few minutes, resisting the urge to text LO, not looking at her, etc--kind of mental guerilla warfare. I envisioned each little act of defiance putting a dart into the beast. You'll know when the dart goes in because the beast will react badly to the defiance. Over time those little darts take a toll on the beast and you can fight harder. It also makes fighting limerence a little more appealing because you have a tangible enemy to target.
You need some common sense rules to guide you when your limerent desire is really heated up. One rule of thumb for me was: If I want to do something related to LO, it is usually a bad idea. If I don't want to do something related to LO, it is usually a good idea to do it. It's nice to have rules like that to fall back on when limerence skews your thinking and feelings. Limerence causes very, very strong emotions and your desires seem totally justified because they come from within and are so intense.
Make a list of LO's flaws. Limerence literally rewrites history so only flaws in our SO and only the perfection in our LO. Our rational brain knows LO is not perfect, but our rational brain is pushed into a corner by all our intense emotions. Give our rational brain a fighting chance to bring common sense back into play. Look at it every now and then to remind yourself that LO is not a god, a madonna nor adonis.
Read everything you can on limerence, love addiction, relationships There are some good reading lists on this forum. Knowledge is power. Take responsibility for your own healing.
Use the people on this forum for advice, comfort, insight Reading and commenting on other people's limerence can give greater insight into your own limerence.
Keep a journal of your feelings and experiences along the journey. It helps to note what works, what is hard, what you learn, etc.
Meditate and practice mindfulness Many report these centreing techniques have helped calm the mind. Being present in the hear and now takes us away from past hurts and future fantasies. As Fritz Perl's so eloquently stated - anxiety is the gap between now and the future
Don't make life changing decisions under the influence of limerence The neuro chemicals that are released in limerence are so potent that our thinking and judgement becomes completely distorted. Wait until to fog has lifted. This will take months or more likely a few years. I wish it were quicker. Generally its not.
Click here for an excellent article on healing from early life deprivation and faulty attachments. I believe these are at the root of limerence and most other addictions:
Comments
A lot of us are probably in the same boat. I have OCD and anxiety, and I KNOW that my feelings towards someone in particular are not rational, but that doesn't make them real. I think about this person probably 100 times a day. I HAVE to find a way to take control back in my life. If you read some of the above info it helps to make you think of this person as actually a "thing" that you need to get over, kind of like a sickness. I am going to seek some counseling and get some books to read to start.
From one vulnerable human to another
Plenty of help and advice on the main forum
I am not staying like this any longer !
Thank you soooooo much !
Cani strongly suggest people down Ekhart Tolles the Power of Now and listen to the chapter on the Pain Body.
I just found this site - its a terrible awful thing ..1st time ever for me...I am embarrassed about it really, are you ok now?
I am 54 years old, this hit me like lightning out of the blue, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. He got under my skin and into my psyche unlike anything I've ever experienced in my life.
I have two issues. One, I work with him and I see him on a regular basis, so avoiding him is very hard. I don't want to quit my job, I love the work I do there and I love my other coworkers!
Secondly, I told him about my upcoming 18th birthday and he said he wants to attend my party. I already invited him before I knew about Limerence and I now think it may be a bad idea as it would be an ultimate high for me in my Limerence. I want to sleep with him or cuddle or have feelings reciprocated but I know better to do that. I don't want to uninvite him though, it would be so rude dice he seems to be excite for it.
2nd LO in 8 months. First was a lomg standing friend. She cares for me deeply but we decided not to progress to physical. It hurt, invaded everything, I withdrew from marriage further. Latest one is a girl that was meant to be getting married. She got dumped 4 weeks prior. I just had to care and sort out. £8k later. After promises - just lies and empty I love yous...completely obsessed ,.moment of clarity. Hate it. Must take control
If theres any way we can get in contact please let me know! I have the exact same problem like no joke.
Wish u well.
That's so interesting. I am convinced my LO and I are from the same soul group but it is not the right lifetime for us. I am very spiritual though have never pursued reaching out to advisors, etc. Thanks for this info.
More likely wound mates. Soul mates is rare if ever the connection. Its a mirroring of early life wounds
It is said in the article that no life changing decisions have to be taken, but of course in 27 years, it's impossible. I've choosen a late career with the hope of being admired and the half comfort of being far away (Iwork abroad), but I´ve just experienced a period of high tension followed by decompensation and I have decided to leave my job and come back (and I'm quite afraid about it). I've been living the last ten years just nowhere suspending my life when I have to face it. I'm coming back . What'll happen?
She started getting very friendly with another guy at work and one morning she walked in with him after picking him up at his house and giving him a ride. Needless to say this hurt me very badly and she knew it. I broke the connection and she tried many times to makeup. I would not. She now avoids the guy when I am around in an effort reconcile with me but I know the are still seeing each other
It was just what I needed to finally end this nightmare relationship. .
I have to see her 5 times a week which makes things even more difficult. Words of advice never, ever get involved in this type of thing at work. If you find it happening don't walk but run away. You don't know misery like this and I hope you never make the same mistake as me .You will regret it.
Yes. Exactly. Three months and counting... But if I let go, that would mean the slim (nonexistent) chance that G. Might one day relent and tumble into my arms will never come to pass. Of course it won't either way, but I don't want o face that. And so I'm exquisitely miserable.
Now I'm just empty, still in love and only his fleeting text messages bring me joy. I hate myself and the situation and want to be out of it so bad. Four days of absence and we run to each other and the cycle begins again.
We have NOTHING in common and I cannot make sense as to what my attraction is to him. He's everything and nothing to me all at once. He is my second Limerence relationship and was a rebound from the previous one.
The thought of him NOT being in my life scared me to death. My fantasy of him far outweighs the reality and yet I still long for him like food, shelter and air. It's unhealthy and I know the way out but the fear of not having him trumps the good I know will come from him being gone.
When I look into his eyes I feel intoxicated and his friendly hugs weaken me.
lI cut off contact for a while, and just when I started feeling like my old self, he pulled me back in. I know he has feelings for me too. Emotionally I've lost myself. I think about him 24 hours a day. The depression is killing me. I feel lost, wounded, alone. Can't talk to anybody. Feel like I wanna die. The limerant highs are so great, but the lows are Soooo bad. I feel sick to my stomach. Can't tell my hubby and can't afford therapy. I am frightened, and still in the back of my mind think that me and LO can run off into the sunset together one day!? wtf? Crazy!! I hate myself for letting it get to this.
Him I feel suicidal. I don't know why I can't just forget him. I often think of suicide and ending it. Do I suffer from limerance? Or am I going through something else. I am 40 now and these infatuations have been happening since I was 10.
When I looked back, I realised that Ive been limerent my whole life. I want to get better because I want to be able to find someone that I truly love, but because of my limerence, Im afraid to try anything with anyone. I dont want to lose my mind and in turn lose them.
So in this case the anxiety comes from both really wanting the sex and wanting him to stop this. Also I half expect that he is deliberately doing this to mess with me, but that's so hateful and unlikely.
I met someone 30yrs ago when I was 18 and still a virgin. He was much older and we hung out for a couple years until I move away to transfer to another college. He got
married then divorced & contacted me 10yrs later. I lived in another state and was two years into my own marriage
We became friendly fast, and I had to stop seeing/ contacting him. 20yrs later I am friends with his sibling and was told he was sick, all these feelings came up and
we have been in contact again. He has feelings for me and I have had limerant feelings for him for over a year now. Hopefully I can get another 20 year reprieve in the near future since we are both married with families. Any comments are welcome....
"The chemical relationships are much more complicated than this, but some SSRIs in some people seem to adversely affect the dopamine system, and romantic love gets squashed," she says. "I've gotten a good deal of mail from people who've said they were in a nice short or long romance or marriage with someone that was going perfectly well, and this person started taking SSRIs, and it not only killed their sex drive, but it also killed their feelings of intense romantic love for their partners. I've even had a letter from a doctor in Texas who was prescribed an SSRI and began to realize that he wasn't loving his wife anymore, and he said he'd rather face major depression than lose his feelings for her."
Helen Fisher, Ph.D.
So whenever possible, avoid the LO in lieu of medication.
I READ A LOT ABOUT LIMERENCE AND I REALLY WANT TO HELP THEM TO SET FREE.
HER PRODUCTIVITY IS ALMOST NIL SINCE SHE CANT BE FACE TO FACE TO ME AND SO SHE DOES NOT COME TO WORK BUT I THINK SHE IS STARVING MORE DAY BY DAY. WITH HAVING THIS KNOWLEDGE PLS ADVISE ME HOW CAN I HELP HER????
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