Why You,Limerents(L) ,lie so often?

Introduce yourself and share your story. What has been your experience with limerence?
Significant other
Posts: 75
Joined: Tue Apr 06, 2021 11:09 pm
Spain

Re: Why You,Limerents(L) ,lie so often?

Post by Significant other »

Well, in the end my Machiavellian plan paid off, although I'm not proud. The news has reached my wife that I was on Tinder(*), I am afraid that through my youngest daughter of 14 years (you have to see the knowledge of networks that these little ones have, at 2 meters she recognized me on Tinder) .
(*)That's caused a deep discussion, Hurra!.I will summarize it in disadvantages and advantages:

* DISADVANTAGES:
-My method of forcing the situation has been childish and especially horrible for my youngest daughter, I deeply regret having involved her inadvertently in this way, it has caused her a lot of pain, uncertainty, anger and bad behavior ( obstructional,obssesive/compulsive...)
-My wife makes excuses, minimizes her fliterings, acts as a victim.
-She is not entirely sincere, for example when I ask her if she is going to individual therapy or not, first "no", then "yes" and after "I'm looking for it "...when I ask how she discovered my Tinder inscription...she saw "It's a secret"....
-There is no empathy towards my feelings, only she suffers, perhaps, after paying it with her own currency, this will change.
-After more than a year has passed since the outcrop, there is still no deadline to start acting / deciding. -
-She neither regrets nor genuinely asks for forgiveness. "If I have hurt you, I'm sorry, life is like this"

*ADVANTAGES:
-After much discussion,she admits the need for couples therapy.
-It has hurt her,looking the other side of the coin.Her bubble is deflating.
-She realizes that I am stronger mentally.She is not the only one with decision-making power.
-The comunication is more direct,no like before...("hidden"diary..."neglected" mobile phone...)

It's like a giant roller coaster. Today up, tomorrow down. I hope we take knowledge of the moment to grow.
Significant other
Posts: 75
Joined: Tue Apr 06, 2021 11:09 pm
Spain

Re: Why You,Limerents(L) ,lie so often?

Post by Significant other »

Well, now she is jealous, controlling and anxious, she is afraid of losing me.
When I go fishing she asks me to call her and demands to speak with my friend.
... I suppose that I hold the figure of the alpha male (Lacan's figurative "phallus", power, law, signifier of the father's name), perhaps that is what was expected of me.-I imaginatively substitute his absent father ????.
But I'm still firm, now I'm in charge.
My requests:
First condition: that the wedding ring be bought and put on (she lost it as soon as we got married!), I have never taken it off.
Second: Do not criticize me for everything, we are a team and my intention, (which is what really matters) is to help my daughters and my family. I dedicate the same time / love-if not more than her to this task, currently.
Third: Tell me if you want to or not and why to continue with me, but with more consistent reasons than: for the girls. for convenience. For security. by not being left alone, it seems LO is no longer an option.
Fourth: Go to a couple psychologist, to reorganize the rules and reestablish trust and intimacy.
Meanwhile respect and collaboration as parents.
Also, my prolonged neck contracture (3 months) is subsidiar.
A good shower with cold water!
Honey
Posts: 2
Joined: Sun May 16, 2021 7:10 pm
Australia

Re: Why You,Limerents(L) ,lie so often?

Post by Honey »

All addicts lie, even in times when it's not necessary. It's a shame thing.
Significant other
Posts: 75
Joined: Tue Apr 06, 2021 11:09 pm
Spain

Re: Why You,Limerents(L) ,lie so often?

Post by Significant other »

I'm fed up!
Every time I press my DW (L) more and more, I have given her an ultimatum, or psychotherapy or lawyers.
Her: -I don't believe in that, psychology....
(Well you've gone alone, lying to our old relationship psychologist)
-I haven't done anything ,You have to put up with it....
(I am no longer in shock, I am strong, you are the same, the one who must assume the consequences of your adolescent, narcissistic behavior).
What I can't stand is that she believes that she can continue demanding things from me.The relationship is now different, we are 50% partners in responsibility as parents, over the rest, she has no rights... She wants to impose on me,the location of my new home ..... etc ... Denial
Significant other
Posts: 75
Joined: Tue Apr 06, 2021 11:09 pm
Spain

Re: Why You,Limerents(L) ,lie so often?

Post by Significant other »

I continue with my boring personal diary, at least it allows me to express myself somewhere. It seems that we are finally going to our old psychotherapist.

Although my DW ( Dear Wife) is confused (ambivalent), today is yes (treatment), tomorrow not (divorce) and maybe the day after (separation, I don't admit this option ... I don't have my own LO!....she plays with more options!) ... It's driving me crazy ... And she also believes that in a month we can solve it ...
From what I have read, the process can take years.

There are 5 stages: 1-Beginning of affaire,infidelity, flirting,romance,Limerence 2-Suspicion / denial-ambivalence 3-Explosions and impulsive reactions 4-Proposal of options and deadlock 5-Resolution work (decision making and implementation)

Each member can be in a different phase,and they orden may differ.
I would say that I am at 4 and my DW at a point between 2 and 4 (???).

Sometimes they are joint sessions, others individual (phase 3 and 4, I think I have understood).

The therapist must be neutral and in principle, if the opposite is not said, he must not reveal the individual to the other, that if he can force / suggest / induce it to be done.

At the moment I am still in NC with her, as a couple,as parents, normal.But the continuous discussions make our daughters suffer and cry. Very hard and ugly
Significant other
Posts: 75
Joined: Tue Apr 06, 2021 11:09 pm
Spain

Re: Why You,Limerents(L) ,lie so often?

Post by Significant other »

So you are, I insist, playing with two options SO and LO. You do not decide on any, to be more sure. How good!
Maybe your LO has its own SO, -another loser-, or is free and has infinite possibilities ... So within this triangle: A (L) -B (SO) -C (LO). B (SO) and C '(SO of LO), are ignorant of the A-C connection, and on top of that they are criticized for not sharing feelings, not being enough, monotonous, predictable, etc ... but at the same time you don't break the relationship A-B, for not hurting B ..... But neither does the A-C...You even get jealous of LO's partner (C').
... Take into account other victims, the possible children of A-B and C-C '..... You have to be very good magicians, to have so many people fooled ( yourself included)
... What a mess and it is inevitable, intrusive ... oblivious to you LO, the culprits are the aliens who have landed in a UFO. Please look inside!
Significant other
Posts: 75
Joined: Tue Apr 06, 2021 11:09 pm
Spain

Re: Why You,Limerents(L) ,lie so often?

Post by Significant other »

I just came out of the middle of the joint psycho therapy session very angry.
My wife has stayed. Let's see what she decides ... she'll do as usual .... I don't know .... we'll see.
Tomorrow appointment with my psychiatrist ...
What happiness!
Significant other
Posts: 75
Joined: Tue Apr 06, 2021 11:09 pm
Spain

Re: Why You,Limerents(L) ,lie so often?

Post by Significant other »

It's crazy:
She is currently on Tinder, affirmed by me, not denied by her, in front of the psychologist.
However, he complains that I'm going to fish and hunt for hours ... that she doesn't really know what I'm doing, when I send photos of my catches via WhatsApp with my colleague. It turns out that the suspect is me!
On the other hand, she complains about a lack of activities together: When we go to bed, she turns on Netflix on the phone and puts on the headphones.
She continues with the complaints from years ago ... that I was not at home, for work, little help at home, etc ... For a year and a half the situation is completely opposite.
That she loves me as the father of her daughters but she can't stand my "obsessive oddities" ... for example before the appointment, I took a drive down the street to try to park, I left her in front of the office, tried and ended up parking in the parking lot, but I was punctual ... However, my obsessive oddity of winning more than $ 500,000 on stock investments,does it not fit in the pack of oddities? In the end the result of the session ... As I was afraid, neither A nor B. We continue in therapy, for the individual moment, but we spoke with a lawyer ... Every time worse.
Last edited by Significant other on Sat Jun 19, 2021 10:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Significant other
Posts: 75
Joined: Tue Apr 06, 2021 11:09 pm
Spain

Re: Why You,Limerents(L) ,lie so often?

Post by Significant other »

I'm searching my own attorney.
Significant other
Posts: 75
Joined: Tue Apr 06, 2021 11:09 pm
Spain

Re: Why You,Limerents(L) ,lie so often?

Post by Significant other »

Yesterday I have my last psychologist sesion.He say me that my wife refuse the treatment.

So we are getting divorced.
The psychologist insisted that look for a common lawyer! Absolutely absurd.
He also told me that I should get treatment, for depression, that I am still in stage 2 Anger ... I pointed out that I was also in stage 3, Negotiation ,4 Dueling and 5 Coping ... and my wife is in the 1, Denial ....
The only thing I have to think about now is a deadline.
20 and half years of marriage trowed to the garbage.
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