How much to give up?

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Atreyu1983
Posts: 1
Joined: Tue Jul 13, 2021 7:59 pm
United States of America

How much to give up?

Post by Atreyu1983 »

Hello,

Thank you for letting me join. I've very nervous about sharing my story. My SO and I each have our own laptops, but I'm still hesitant to ask for advice about this topic "out loud," as it were. On the other hand, I know that by suppressing my feelings and denying what I am going through, it's only going to make things worse (as it has been). So here I am, trying to muddle my way through this...

The backstory: My SO and I have been married for 10 years, together for 12. He is a wonderful person and I want to stay married to him. But while our marriage would be considered good on many levels, I don't think even he would deny that while the love is there, the passion has faded. Add to that the fact that I am very unhappy in my current job and maybe you have the perfect recipe for a limerent experience.

Enter stage right: my LO. Literally just a nice guy I met through a mutually shared hobby, one that even my SO is involved in. Months pass, feelings intensify to the point where it's hard for me to be in the same room as the LO without being aware of his every move. I'm feeling crazy, guilty, isolated. I stop engaging in my beloved hobby just to get away from LO. I know from reading the research that NC is truly the best way to go.

And yet. What has always been my coping strategy for so many things in life has been this hobby and the group of friends I've made through it. Now LO is part of that crowd. I feel like I have to forsake this part of who I am in order to save my marriage. It sounds melodramatic, I know -- what's a hobby compared to a marriage? Yet, in addition to it being a part of my identity, it's also a huge part of my social life. As I said, even my SO participates in it (to the point where he and my LO are now friends through it, a new development I'm really not keen on).

I feel stupid for being a grown woman with an adolescent crush. I feel stupid for being almost 40 and still struggling to find work I love. I feel stupid for having a great partner but still experiencing "wanderlust" for someone else. I. Feel. So. Stupid.

So here I am. Has anyone here had to give up something else they loved in an effort to go NC with their LO? How did you recover? Trying to find a glimmer of hope in the midst of this inner turmoil/shit show. Thank you in advance!
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David
Site Admin
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Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2014 8:22 pm
Location: London UK
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Great Britain

Re: How much to give up?

Post by David »

Hi Atreyu and welcome to the forum. your story sounds familiar to so many others that I have read over the years and also from my own personal experience.

Overcoming Limerence is a long slog, however the insights Are worth itit in my judgement.

There is lots of support here on the forum for you and I hope you are able to learn from others on this journey
For more focussed support, why not join our membership support community? See www.limerence.net on how to join today.
L-F
Posts: 3375
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: How much to give up?

Post by L-F »

Welcome to the forums Atreyu!

I think it's safe to say we have all felt stupid at one point or another. It's just what we limerents do > stress, as well as become obsessed over our object of desire.
Look forward to reading your story.

Welcome!
"LF, why do you weep for the inner child of your abusers?"
"Because I'm not like them."
Cathy44
Posts: 4
Joined: Sat Jul 24, 2021 3:42 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Re: How much to give up?

Post by Cathy44 »

Atreyu1983 wrote: Thu Jul 15, 2021 9:19 pm Hello,

Thank you for letting me join. I've very nervous about sharing my story. My SO and I each have our own laptops, but I'm still hesitant to ask for advice about this topic "out loud," as it were. On the other hand, I know that by suppressing my feelings and denying what I am going through, it's only going to make things worse (as it has been). So here I am, trying to muddle my way through this...

The backstory: My SO and I have been married for 10 years, together for 12. He is a wonderful person and I want to stay married to him. But while our marriage would be considered good on many levels, I don't think even he would deny that while the love is there, the passion has faded. Add to that the fact that I am very unhappy in my current job and maybe you have the perfect recipe for a limerent experience.

Enter stage right: my LO. Literally just a nice guy I met through a mutually shared hobby, one that even my SO is involved in. Months pass, feelings intensify to the point where it's hard for me to be in the same room as the LO without being aware of his every move. I'm feeling crazy, guilty, isolated. I stop engaging in my beloved hobby just to get away from LO. I know from reading the research that NC is truly the best way to go.

And yet. What has always been my coping strategy for so many things in life has been this hobby and the group of friends I've made through it. Now LO is part of that crowd. I feel like I have to forsake this part of who I am in order to save my marriage. It sounds melodramatic, I know -- what's a hobby compared to a marriage? Yet, in addition to it being a part of my identity, it's also a huge part of my social life. As I said, even my SO participates in it (to the point where he and my LO are now friends through it, a new development I'm really not keen on).

I feel stupid for being a grown woman with an adolescent crush. I feel stupid for being almost 40 and still struggling to find work I love. I feel stupid for having a great partner but still experiencing "wanderlust" for someone else. I. Feel. So. Stupid.

So here I am. Has anyone here had to give up something else they loved in an effort to go NC with their LO? How did you recover? Trying to find a glimmer of hope in the midst of this inner turmoil/shit show. Thank you in advance!
Hi Atreyu1983,
Your story resonates with me. I would have to give up a good business relationship (and have a believable excuse) to get away from LO. I feel stupid as well. Really stupid. I cannot offer much advice, but I wanted you to know I empathize and let you know you aren't going through it alone.
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