Enduring pain of limerence

[marko]

Focus on the pain. I carried it through my life, it came to head when this LO seemed to take it all away. Mid life crisis, death of dad and loss of everything I thought was my life. All built in LE, but then the sorrow came, endless waves and I beleived this goddess my escape. She made me feel young, loved, and admired. I felt guilty and crushed. I felt alive like never before. I projected love, but at some point the voice of reason kicks in a bit and it's devastating--the pretend roller coaster of extacy and sorrow. I can't make all the pain go away, so I remain sad, but far less so. It's a terrible outcome--hero to zero. But I know me and why, some times I miss her, but also know I can't love her. Usually when I like me, I don't care a bit about her, when I hurt, I want to hear her magical voice-- but it's a myth. Pain subsides, know what is is really helps, but staying away from what stirs the pain is what heals.

[Keepbreathing]

Focus on the pain. I carried it through my life, it came to head when this LO seemed to take it all away. Mid life crisis, death of dad and loss of everything I thought was my life. All built in LE, but then the sorrow came, endless waves and I beleived this goddess my escape. She made me feel young, loved, and admired. I felt guilty and crushed. I felt alive like never before. I projected love, but at some point the voice of reason kicks in a bit and it's devastating--the pretend roller coaster of extacy and sorrow. I can't make all the pain go away, so I remain sad, but far less so. It's a terrible outcome--hero to zero. But I know me and why, some times I miss her, but also know I can't love her. Usually when I like me, I don't care a bit about her, when I hurt, I want to hear her magical voice-- but it's a myth. Pain subsides, know what is is really helps, but staying away from what stirs the pain is what heals.

Marko there is so much in your story there. Did it go on for a long time?
I agree, focusing on the pain and sitting with it, instead of acting on it, is awful but over time is preferable to the rollercoaster of trying to make the limerence 'come true'. But yes, a painful life is not one I really want. Do you think those who are susceptible to limerence just feel pain more easily/ intensely?

[Keepbreathing]

You seem to be on a good path to recover - you have already limited contact to him and was able to say "NO" to his lures. Now you are at the crossroads between further work with him or taking a new path. Have you written down pros and cons for each of the path?

That is a good idea, but I find it really hard to think clearly in that way. Also, the relative weight of the different points. For instance the joy of connecting is so ecstatic, it can be the only thing on a list and still outweigh 20 sensible things. But I think I should try, especially now I am managing to carve a little distance and maybe see more clearly...

[Keepbreathing]

Dear IvB, I thought I had replied to this but it appears to have vanished! So forgive me if it appears twice!
Thank you for your bluntness. Yes, I think he is using me, though it is painful to realise. No, I don't usually get angry because his power over me makes me feel unable to get angry. But I am hoping that with the distance I am striving to cultivate that I will be able to feel some anger because that is what is going to help free me...

I believe he has feelings for me. He has said so, under duress! But they are nothing compared to his wish to control my reactions and to be the one who decided when and if anything happens. This is very painful.

Today is a case in point. I should love your take on what happened. I have been trying to create distance, keeping with NC or just really low contact, not initiating things anyway. Then late last week I got some very bad work news. It was not delivered by him, but by his assistant. It was group-wide bad news, not directed at me personally, but affecting me. I was very upset. I went first to my agent, and then I thought, this is important enough to break no contact for. So the next day I rang him. Bear in mind that I had not rung him for weeks and weeks, and I have put a picture of a shark on his profile and changed his name on my phone to DON’T DO IT! I sat there for five minutes examining my motives, and I decided I needed to discuss this with him.

As he always is if I ring him in a crisis, he was kind and full of solutions, although my crying unnerved him a bit. We agreed that I would send him some notes I had made so that we could discuss what I should do going forward. He was very keen to discuss it. So the next day I sent him the notes.

This morning he emailed to say, shall I call you today to discuss the notes?
Yes I said, how about 4?
I’ll call you at 4 he says.

At 3.50 he emailed me to say he had a migraine and could we speak tomorrow.

He often cancels things at the last minute. We have argued about it many times. In fact it was the major factor in me telling him I did not know how to have a real world relationship with him.

But how do you argue with a migraine? Of course I said. Take care etc.
Then, however I was bothered. I broke my NC to text him and say I hope he was okay. He has been ill a lot over the last year and it really presses my buttons.

Nothing. Then I broke another NC rule and I checked his WhatsApp. I do not communicate on WhatsApp with him because I feel it is a more private thing. But I can see his activity and it was clear he was chatting away, whilst not replying to me. Not really the actions of someone with a terrible migraine.

I think he is working hard to turn the tables back to himself, to make me think of him, break NC, be worried about him. He probably knows I can see his WhatsApp activity too, and so the feeling of dismissal is complete. I don’t feel pain so much at the moment as HOW RUDE. Nor do I have the urge to call/text/email to get answers, and I am telling you about it instead! So perhaps it is progress.

I am tempted to go back to NC, work problem or no work problem. Until he calls me? But then…. There I am back in the swamp again. I am determined not to go back to where I was.

My story shows that the LO can have a big effect on the progress and duration of limerence. It is clear to me, that LO does not want me to give up. He wants me to want him. He does not, however, want me for myself, I think. That hurts desperately.

[John20]

I think you did the right thing. There was a crisis and you acted on it in a professional manner. Even if you broke your rules.

You think that he has feelings for you and that he just wants to control you, but had he had the feelings you would see it clearly. It would be radiating from all his actions and you would not have any doubts. I am very sorry to say, he does not have any feelings, whatever he says. He may have some motivation to "use you" now and then but that is it. I think he just does not care. He may even not want to control you, but because of your limerence any of his subtle things that he does appear as a big for you.

I would consider this as "The End". Today, get a good sleep, take a break tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow you can start looking at options where you can push your notes through...without your LO.

But don't forget that ultimately only you know your situation the best and you need to decide how to act.

[Keepbreathing]

Thank you John 20. As well as DON"T DO IT on my phone I probably need HE'S USING YOU as my screen saver! It is part of limerence that we find it hard to really feel the rejection that is going on, isn't it. As it happens, I do think he has feelings, but they are useless to me, so he may as well not have them. As in, they will never be 'about me' (as perhaps mine are not 'about him'). This is what is magnetic about him. I am sure I am not the only one to respond to him in this way. He is not indifferent -- he will not let me go (I expect some prodding to come), but will not offer me anything beyond what he has already, and over time, less. Interestingly, this path was set out four years ago, at the very beginning when we first met and started working together. When he denied there was something between us. There was more to this event. We were having dinner in a restaurant. After he had denied there was anything between us he said, 'Here's the thing. I will disappoint you. And I never want to see in your eyes the look of disappointment that you have now.' I Should have listened. He was telling me how it would be. He went on to say, he would be hot and cold, push and pull. When someone tells you what they are, believe them! I sort of heard it, but didn't really -- not helped by the fact that while he was insisting that a relationship did not exist, he was embracing me, telling me to 'read between the lines' etc etc. He has been the king of mixed messaging. And this has fed my limerence and made it so hard to pull away. It's textbook really isn't it -- limerent individual with narcissistic LO. The unbearable pain that I cannot help but try and ease sometimes with hope. But I have made progress, I just have to keep going. I know it is going to get more painful because I am going to have to give up on the 'special' work relationship too. That's what this latest thing is telling me. That is whole new worlds of fear for me. I didn't think I'd have to do that. I thought there was a bargain to be made! But in my clear mmoments I know there isn't. This association will carry on hurting me until all of it is gone.

This is very good advice -- rest up today. Start up again tomorrow. Maybe keep my notes to myself or show a friend.

[mycorona]

Hi Keepbreathing
No answers here - fighting my own battles...
but you said that he told you ... "Here's the thing. I will disappoint you. And I never want to see in your eyes the look of disappointment that you have now...."
Would it help you to think of this from another angle which may or may not be the case... It is possible that he was speaking of his inability to love you as you want, i.e. sexually. Perhaps he has a problem? Unfixable, long standing? Maybe this is a physical thing and he wishes it wasn't and therefore the continued mixed messages to you? Just consider it. Erectile problems are more common that we women know. Performance issues can terrify men. We don't fully allow for those fears.
If not, he is being terribly unkind, having told you basically he will not pursue you and then continuing to pursue you. But that's LOs, I know that only too well.
You are hurting badly. Just over a year down the line of a crazy making year for me, I am calmer, and slowly starting to come out of an impossible yearning for a man who gave me all those mixed messages and more, but all unspoken. I have come to the conclusion that he couldn't help basking in my "adoration" because of his own low self esteem. It must have been wonderful - and safe for him as he was the only one who knew what was going on. It can drive you crazy. Please look after yourself. Most of us have been there and can see the rawness of your posts. Good luck!

[mamasita]

KeepBreathing, good luck to you. I am still always STILL struck after all these years by how similar these LOs are...

[Keepbreathing]

Hi Keepbreathing
No answers here - fighting my own battles...
but you said that he told you ... "Here's the thing. I will disappoint you. And I never want to see in your eyes the look of disappointment that you have now...."
Would it help you to think of this from another angle which may or may not be the case... It is possible that he was speaking of his inability to love you as you want, i.e. sexually. Perhaps he has a problem? Unfixable, long standing? Maybe this is a physical thing and he wishes it wasn't and therefore the continued mixed messages to you? Just consider it. Erectile problems are more common that we women know. Performance issues can terrify men. We don't fully allow for those fears.
If not, he is being terribly unkind, having told you basically he will not pursue you and then continuing to pursue you. But that's LOs, I know that only too well.
You are hurting badly. Just over a year down the line of a crazy making year for me, I am calmer, and slowly starting to come out of an impossible yearning for a man who gave me all those mixed messages and more, but all unspoken. I have come to the conclusion that he couldn't help basking in my "adoration" because of his own low self esteem. It must have been wonderful - and safe for him as he was the only one who knew what was going on. It can drive you crazy. Please look after yourself. Most of us have been there and can see the rawness of your posts. Good luck!

OH. MY. GOD. That makes absolute sense. Oh My God.
I tell you -- I have had more insight on this forum in 4 days than two years and £££££ with my therapist.
I need to think about this.
Thank you.

[Spadge100]

Hi keepbreathing

Sorry you got mixed messages. I don’t think many people mean to be cruel and often think to the limerent brain reading too much into it, analysing it from every angle possible.

It’s probably best to accept that a non work relationship isn’t wise. I believe unfortunately friendship with an LO really isn’t possible or authentic. Where attraction is involved the chances of a plutonic friendship goes out of the window unless that attraction dissipates.

It will be hard at times that’s for sure and your brain will scream at you to reach out but with time it becomes manageable.

It’s great you have found this forum as it is invaluable and the members all have a wealth of experience to share.

Good luck