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Anybody do Disclosure?

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
peter.rabbit
Posts: 450
Joined: Wed Jul 24, 2019 12:27 am
United States of America

Re: Anybody do Disclosure?

Post by peter.rabbit »

L-F wrote: Sun Jun 13, 2021 8:24 pm
peter.rabbit wrote: Sun Jun 13, 2021 6:49 pm there's no point in risking a friendship and my marriage...
Safest option.
Good luck with T! I know what you mean about driving a long distance. Have you considered an online T?
Thank you. Online Therapy? It had not occurred to me, I shall go see what I can see. ;)

You know what's ironic? One of my business partners is currently finishing her Masters in Clinical Psychology. Of course I trust her, however, due to the social situation(she's close friends with my LO) I'm afraid I must resist the temptation to confide in her.
Weak people revenge.
Strong people forgive.
Intelligent people ignore.
-Albert Einstein
peter.rabbit
Posts: 450
Joined: Wed Jul 24, 2019 12:27 am
United States of America

Re: Anybody do Disclosure?

Post by peter.rabbit »

David wrote: Sun Jun 13, 2021 6:51 pm i made a video in the disclosure dilemma here

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZCH7xHEIPGo
@David, many thanks for the video! It sure helped me put the whole scene in perspective, I don't know why I didn't just ASK about disclosure before!

So many points in the video that struck home...the "white knight" mindset, the loss of sexual chemistry with the SO, etc. The Limerant Matrix illustration boiled it all down nicely too.

I feel like I've made some progress today, I'll see my LO tomorrow, I'll have to "watch myself" and refrain from foolish Limerant behavior. I'll just be friendly, cordial and not pursue in-depth interaction with her.
Weak people revenge.
Strong people forgive.
Intelligent people ignore.
-Albert Einstein
Warped
Posts: 20
Joined: Wed May 22, 2019 8:11 pm
Canada

Re: Anybody do Disclosure?

Post by Warped »

I disclosed and it did not end my LE. What did address it was that I went no contact.

I disclosed to my LO and got rejected. I then made the conclusion that I cannot be friends with my LO. Every interaction with her would just fuel my LE.

I tried my best to "just be friends", but the LE just continued. I had to choose, continue this destructive cycle or end the friendship. It was incredibly painful, and I miss her dearly, but I've reclaimed a huge part of my life again.

The disclosure helped in my context to explain to her why I had to end our friendship.
virusbkk
Posts: 92
Joined: Sun Jun 06, 2021 7:37 am
Hong Kong

Re: Anybody do Disclosure?

Post by virusbkk »

Just to clarify.

Disclosure refers to confessing your feelings for the LO?
Or disclose that you are limerent for them?
There is a difference I imagine.
Disclosing that you're limerent would probably scare them away?
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Anybody do Disclosure?

Post by L-F »

virusbkk wrote: Mon Jun 14, 2021 4:54 am Disclosing that you're limerent would probably scare them away?
Lol

Disclosing one's feelings would probably do the same!

Referring to your question, disclosing feelings. No point in saying you're limerent, unless they know what limerence is, even then, I think its tmi for someone to take on board.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
AMA210
Posts: 2385
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Anybody do Disclosure?

Post by AMA210 »

virusbkk wrote: Mon Jun 14, 2021 4:54 am Just to clarify.

Disclosure refers to confessing your feelings for the LO?
Or disclose that you are limerent for them?
There is a difference I imagine.
Disclosing that you're limerent would probably scare them away?
I have done both. First, telling the LO of my feelings and then later, explaining the limerence. Both didn't end it for me. The only thing that was accomplished by this was the LO using that against me to blame me for everything. If I had a dollar for every time I heard "you're the one with the problem", I'd be rich by now.

L-)
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
peter.rabbit
Posts: 450
Joined: Wed Jul 24, 2019 12:27 am
United States of America

Re: Anybody do Disclosure?

Post by peter.rabbit »

theorina38 wrote: Sun Jun 13, 2021 8:35 pm I feel your pain and I wish you the best of luck. There is no coming back from disclosure - once it's out there, it's out there.
Limerence is a signal from your subconscious that something is not right. That you are craving something, and seeking relief from an emotional ache that you feel someone else can fix. I would suggest getting really busy with whatever else interests you.

I did disclose before I found this forum and it probably ruined the friendship.
That is so true, like standing at the edge of cliff...one step and you're done. It amazes me how emotions can urge one to self destruct, I'd like to understand that more.
Weak people revenge.
Strong people forgive.
Intelligent people ignore.
-Albert Einstein
Maddie
Posts: 1515
Joined: Fri Feb 02, 2018 1:09 am
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Anybody do Disclosure?

Post by Maddie »

IMO....

disclosure to the LO: hell no. it pushed things along so far and I only *thought* I had problems with just the obsessions/fantasies! unless you are prepared to deal with the fallout of everything that may transpire after the disclosure, i would not recommend.
I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.

F. Scott Fitzgerald
peter.rabbit
Posts: 450
Joined: Wed Jul 24, 2019 12:27 am
United States of America

Re: Anybody do Disclosure?

Post by peter.rabbit »

Maddie wrote: Wed Jun 16, 2021 4:54 pm IMO....

disclosure to the LO: hell no. it pushed things along so far and I only *thought* I had problems with just the obsessions/fantasies! unless you are prepared to deal with the fallout of everything that may transpire after the disclosure, i would not recommend.
Yea, life would be one hot mess, SO would probably be hurt and lose trust, LO would be repulsed and reject me, mutual friends would find out and I would be a pariah for sure.
Years ago(with previous LO) life became a total shit storm, everything spun out of control, I felt like I was being dragged along with events. Don't need anymore of that drama.
Weak people revenge.
Strong people forgive.
Intelligent people ignore.
-Albert Einstein
Cookie
Posts: 1190
Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2017 4:08 pm
United States of America

Re: Anybody do Disclosure?

Post by Cookie »

Warped wrote: Mon Jun 14, 2021 3:58 am I disclosed and it did not end my LE. What did address it was that I went no contact.

I disclosed to my LO and got rejected. I then made the conclusion that I cannot be friends with my LO. Every interaction with her would just fuel my LE.

I tried my best to "just be friends", but the LE just continued. I had to choose, continue this destructive cycle or end the friendship. It was incredibly painful, and I miss her dearly, but I've reclaimed a huge part of my life again.

The disclosure helped in my context to explain to her why I had to end our friendship.
Yes--if it gets you closer to no contact, disclosure is valuable. But you don't need the disclosure to go NC.

I do not hold the belief that we owe LO any kind of explanation. To me, this is actually a major hallmark of the disorder itself. Why are we seeking their approval for anything we do or don't do? Even if it's just under the guise of "letting them know." It's just more validation seeking. Further codependence.

I also think that many/most LOs know exactly what they're doing, so disclosure only puts us right where they want us. That's not true in every limerent situation, but it was in all of mine and their manipulation is so obvious with some distance.

The whole "just friends" thing just perpetuates the delusion. We like to think it's somehow our fault for not being able to handle it, but my experience has been that they simply aren't worthy or capable of having a real friendship with us.

I think some of us secretly hope that disclosure will get them to finally confess their true romantic feelings for us. Well, lemme say that if they do, it's almost certainly gonna be fake and for their own motives.
Person
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