Disclosing feelings to an affair partner(AP) / LO

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virusbkk
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Disclosing feelings to an affair partner(AP) / LO

Post by virusbkk »

So my recovery from limerence continues - currently into 3 months NC with the LO.

I have brief relapses on one day, recovery on another day and the tale goes on..
NC has been maintained for 3 months, and I have strictly avoided her socials.

While making my journal entry yesterday,
I was wondering why I didn’t confess my "romantic feelings" to the ex-AP / LO?
Why didn’t I tell her that I loved her?

Was it because I was waiting for her to say it first?
Was it because I was afraid she wouldn’t feel the same?
Was it because it was too soon?

Limerence is a type of love, and there is no denying that I felt it.
So what held me back at the time?

Lets look at some of the facts:
- I knew her for 6 weeks - even though we had a lot of dates + a weekend getaway
- What was my endgame here?
- Would I really have left my SO of 10 years for somebody I knew for less than 6 weeks?
- Eventually the limerence for LO would have faded, and then what?
- LO had an avoidant personality [brought up the ex & phantom ex in conversation] - more than once
Avoidants do this subconsciously to create emotional distance in the current relationship
- Our intimacy levels were mismatched - most of the physical affection was initiated by me

Usually, when one of two (single) people in a relationship with each other, confesses their feelings,
it is done unconditionally. If the other person, doesn't feel the same at the time, that is OK.
It is a judgement call, based on the predicted likelihood (not guarantee) that the other person will reciprocate.

What I felt for LO was not unconditional - it was a toxic and self-serving obsession.
This was not new-relationship-energy - not even close.
All this was exacerbated by the fact that she'd told me she had truly loved only one - how could I possibly compete with that?

I subconsciously knew that if she didn’t feel the same way if and when I confessed my feelings to her,
my limerence would have gone into over-drive - I'd be left with a million more questions, instead of answers.

Was I not worthy of her love?
How could she love one of her ex’s and not me?
Would she ever come around?

The fear of added uncertainty coupled with the fear of lack of reciprocation is what held me back.
In retrospect, non-disclosure was probably the correct course of action.

What do you think?
AMA210
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Re: Disclosing feelings to an affair partner(AP) / LO

Post by AMA210 »

It's the classic double edged sword.

Which is worse?
LO not reciprocating/having the same feelings OR LO reciprocating and feeling the same way, but the relationship cannot move forward because both are committed to others.

IMO, both are equally devastating and cause a lot of overthinking and rumination.

There are pros and cons of disclosure, just as anything else, so that decision belongs to the LS, and what is right for one is not right for another.

:)
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
virusbkk
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Re: Disclosing feelings to an affair partner(AP) / LO

Post by virusbkk »

Indeed, a limerence affair makes everything complicated due to many moving parts.

Decisions based on a chemical cocktail inside the brain instead of logic,
can have far reaching consequences.

I consider myself a logical / mathematical person,
and have to trust that my instincts made the right decisions at the specific times - be it action or inaction.

I have to make my peace with everything that played out as it did.

Overthinking and rumination are unavoidable consequences,
but maintaining a journal, religiously following NC and distractions help to keep the mind focused on recovery.
Spadge100
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Re: Disclosing feelings to an affair partner(AP) / LO

Post by Spadge100 »

Unfortunately a limerent affair is pretty much the worst experience that can happen.

What really hit me was I acted on limerence 18 years ago when I left my first wife for my current wife. This has ultimately developed into love but it was really hard to comprehend once I understood about limerence and the chemicals as I had been blissfully unaware of this fact until a three month EA last year.

NC is gradually returning my equilibrium but I certainly wish it had never happened. It took only two physical meetings and a lot of online communication to fall deep.

Don’t make any decisions whilst any hint of limerence remains. I nearly did (again) and it’s only really been a year on that I can view my SO with love again and the depression lifts and intrusive thoughts become manageable.

Good luck
peter.rabbit
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Re: Disclosing feelings to an affair partner(AP) / LO

Post by peter.rabbit »

Spadge100 wrote: Thu Jul 22, 2021 8:46 am Unfortunately a limerent affair is pretty much the worst experience that can happen.

What really hit me was I acted on limerence 18 years ago when I left my first wife for my current wife. This has ultimately developed into love but it was really hard to comprehend once I understood about limerence and the chemicals as I had been blissfully unaware of this fact until a three month EA last year.

NC is gradually returning my equilibrium but I certainly wish it had never happened. It took only two physical meetings and a lot of online communication to fall deep.

Don’t make any decisions whilst any hint of limerence remains. I nearly did (again) and it’s only really been a year on that I can view my SO with love again and the depression lifts and intrusive thoughts become manageable.

Good luck
My story: left my wife....married LO....she cheated....we divorced. Crazy, destructive, mentally and emotionally damaging all the way around. The only consolation: nobody got killed, went to prison or lost their job.
Weak people revenge.
Strong people forgive.
Intelligent people ignore.
-Albert Einstein
theorina38
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Re: Disclosing feelings to an affair partner(AP) / LO

Post by theorina38 »

I 'enjoy' reading about your journey virusbkk because I feel like we're pretty much in sync with our LE timewise. But let me tell you - confessing wouldn't have made any difference. You probably knew that already and I'm just pointing out the obvious. Thoughts about what might have been and things I didn't do, but wish I had, those are incredibly painful to face!

”If you love someone, let them go; if they come back, they are yours; if they don't come back, they were never yours to begin with.”

Keep posting!
virusbkk
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Re: Disclosing feelings to an affair partner(AP) / LO

Post by virusbkk »

theorina38 wrote: Sat Jul 24, 2021 8:57 am I 'enjoy' reading about your journey virusbkk because I feel like we're pretty much in sync with our LE timewise. But let me tell you - confessing wouldn't have made any difference. You probably knew that already and I'm just pointing out the obvious. Thoughts about what might have been and things I didn't do, but wish I had, those are incredibly painful to face!

”If you love someone, let them go; if they come back, they are yours; if they don't come back, they were never yours to begin with.”

Keep posting!
Correct.
I think there comes a point where most people eventually realise that ruminating over something or somebody is wasting precious time that could be spent on self-improvement / self-discovery or a myriad of other things.

Another very important point is to stop blaming yourself for what you did / didn't do.
L-F
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Re: Disclosing feelings to an affair partner(AP) / LO

Post by L-F »

virusbkk wrote: Tue Jul 27, 2021 3:15 am Another very important point is to stop blaming yourself for what you did / didn't do.
Good point! Blame (on every level) keeps one trapped in the drama triangle.
Learn to forgive...Life is too short to live with hate.
"Everything is within your power, and your power is within you." Janice Trachtman
virusbkk
Posts: 57
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Re: Disclosing feelings to an affair partner(AP) / LO

Post by virusbkk »

peter.rabbit wrote: Sat Jul 24, 2021 3:58 am
Spadge100 wrote: Thu Jul 22, 2021 8:46 am Unfortunately a limerent affair is pretty much the worst experience that can happen.

What really hit me was I acted on limerence 18 years ago when I left my first wife for my current wife. This has ultimately developed into love but it was really hard to comprehend once I understood about limerence and the chemicals as I had been blissfully unaware of this fact until a three month EA last year.

NC is gradually returning my equilibrium but I certainly wish it had never happened. It took only two physical meetings and a lot of online communication to fall deep.

Don’t make any decisions whilst any hint of limerence remains. I nearly did (again) and it’s only really been a year on that I can view my SO with love again and the depression lifts and intrusive thoughts become manageable.

Good luck
My story: left my wife....married LO....she cheated....we divorced. Crazy, destructive, mentally and emotionally damaging all the way around. The only consolation: nobody got killed, went to prison or lost their job.
Wow, that is some trip.
Looking back, do you feel it was worth leaving your wife for the LO?
L-F
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Re: Disclosing feelings to an affair partner(AP) / LO

Post by L-F »

virusbkk wrote: Tue Jul 27, 2021 9:31 am Wow, that is some trip.
Looking back, do you feel it was worth leaving your wife for the LO?
My money is on the answer: NO!
Learn to forgive...Life is too short to live with hate.
"Everything is within your power, and your power is within you." Janice Trachtman
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