Heart Broken and it's Ruining My Life: Need to get it out

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Canadianobsession
Posts: 13
Joined: Sat Jun 06, 2020 5:27 pm
Canada

Heart Broken and it's Ruining My Life: Need to get it out

Post by Canadianobsession »

So I've had a LO for a long time now and within the past year him and I had grown closer and closer. He was a coworker. He has a girlfriend and I'm married. My marriage was on the rocks for the longest time and I was very depressed and lonely. One day out of the blue this man called me for a work related issue and that conversation changed my life. He was so attentive, interested, happy, and the conversation could have gone on for hours. I cut it short after an hour so he could get back to work. I felt so beautiful. It was such a genuine conversation. At that time I realized I deserve better than how my husband was treating me. He was quite cruel and mean to me at times. I was pretty distant from him for years and just unhappy. But this man set a spark in me. I separated from my husband for a few months and did a lot of thinking. In that time, this coworker and I reunited at work (Covid restrictions lifted). I was elated and we again talked in person for hours. I found out at that time he has a girlfriend. It kinda stung, but I was ok with it. I also ended up going back to my husband who was and still is in deep therapy to fix the anger issues. It's been wonderful with him honestly. But my LO was still in my life. He still talked to me for hours at work about life, movies, hobbies, travelling, he got to know me, asked questions, and we just had the best conversations. He stared at me and he was nervous in a good way around me. Yes I know, I'm married and he is not single but the feeling of these conversations and flirty looks and actions were addicting. People at work (mainly the receptionist who is like a mom) started making comments. When he stopped to talk to me while he was going for lunch she gave him shit for talking to me for so long and when we walked in together because we met in the lobby she very bluntly with concern asked why we were coming in together. She also brought up his girlfriend whenever she got a chance and he literally walked away when she did. He would not speak of her. Ever. I only knew her name from the receptionist. He never ever spoke to me about her. I know that's a red flag, but limerence can really warp your perception. Even as I write this I'm like that's really bad, but I still ignore it because he's perfect.

This man found a much better and high paying job and left last Friday. I took him for lunch, set up a goodbye party and all through that we became even closer! But he's gone now. Forever and I am absolutely crushed. I can't focus, I can't stop crying, I miss him already and I feel like work will never be the same. Please help me :-s . What can I do to rid myself of this anxiety and sadness? I know nothing ever would have happened. I know he liked me and he knew I liked him, but I knew nothing would come of it. I think the hardest part was the reciprocation. It was so obvious and I loved it. I think if I wanted to, I could have had an affair. Maybe still could if I reach out. I never will, but I can't get over that thought and him and how much I like him. Help!!!
Significant other
Posts: 93
Joined: Tue Apr 06, 2021 11:09 pm
Spain

Re: Heart Broken and it's Ruining My Life: Need to get it out

Post by Significant other »

Welcome to the club, Canadianobsession.
This is a second psychological pandemic, secondary, induced by Covid.
Your case is almost identical to mine, but I am the SO. We coincide in "revenge, or wake-up call" for the past and worry about anger, in my case when discovering the secret adventure, things of anxiety disorder.
I want to emphasize that it is not the same, at all, to be a friend and to be a couple. The responsibilities and interaction are greater, especially if there are children.
It is like comparing going to an oral exam for a doctoral thesis in front of a court or going out with friends on a spree.

The fantasy of a possible new relationship, "Mythification / Alienation" of / with LO (limerent object), destroys the primary relationship. Unconsciously, we only see virtues in LO and defects in SO, which hinder. Perhaps the neurotransmitters that are released , Dopamine, etc ... are the cause.

I have read a very interesting theory about the comfort band in relationships, depending on whether the individual is differentiated or undifferentiated, with respect to his family of origin.
The undifferentiated are more attached to their family of origin, they are more emotionally dependent. They tolerate worse the distance, loneliness and, in turn, excessive closeness (they feel harassed in intimacy with their partner). They have a comfort band. very narrow They are more likely to be unfaithful, limerentes, etc ...
It is essential that you understand that the problem is yours and yours alone, do not transfer it to others.
Forced separation from your "friend" will lead to forced distancing (NC, no contact) which is undoubtedly essential to overcome this complex situation.
Once overcome, you must face the future of your marriage in a more objective way.

What I have thought of MY case:
My wife's unhappiness or frustration may have a hysterical origin. The demand can never be fully satisfied. It is never enough. Those flirtations, seductions, desire to please, be the center of attention, dramatization,and always putting the problem out (in SO ) .... There is a dissociation between what is morally correct and what is incorrect. There is no reasoning, there is emotionality. Male / female roles (it does not have to coincide with gender) are very marked and it greatly irritates them that the couple goes off the script. settled down.
AMA210
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
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Re: Heart Broken and it's Ruining My Life: Need to get it out

Post by AMA210 »

Welcome to the forum.

IMO, developing and maintaining a friendship with the opposite sex, and especially if in another LTR, does not work. There are far too many complications, and the lines of what is wrong or right can be crossed in an instant, and once several of them are crossed without much thought, one can easily end up in a PA/EA. Although I think this type of friendship can work, but only if there is no physical attraction on either side, and can be developed along the lines of a brother/sister friendship.

There are a lot of good resources here and also a limerence channel on YouTube.
Wishing you to the best as you navigate through this journey.
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
Canadianobsession
Posts: 13
Joined: Sat Jun 06, 2020 5:27 pm
Canada

Re: Heart Broken and it's Ruining My Life: Need to get it out

Post by Canadianobsession »

Thank you for the reply. It feels good knowing I’m not alone. My brain tells me that this is all insane, but I just can’t shake it. I guess over time it’ll go away. I wish I didn’t have this affliction. I’m going to go to therapy to figure out why I do this.
IvB
Posts: 226
Joined: Thu Nov 12, 2020 8:30 pm
Czech Republic

Re: Heart Broken and it's Ruining My Life: Need to get it out

Post by IvB »

Welcome. Your story is almost identical to mine except that my husband is good and LO didn't have a gf. I understand perfectly how you suffer, of course you are not alone. No contact does help even though the beginning is excruciating. It's good that you don't reach out, keep going and be patient, it will get easier.
The issue is probably your husband's behaviour previously - lack of interest, he didn't make you feel beautiful, interesting, loved. I had the same. Try working on ways to feel all that without the need for SO or LO.
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