How can I kill the hope?

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DreamingBlue
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How can I kill the hope?

Post by DreamingBlue »

I realize that that is what is killing me. Some inner hope of some far off date, when I will see her again and I will be “cured” and I can be her genuine friend.

This is the idea that my limerence is pitching to me, but I think it’s bullshit. It’s telling me I’ll be fine then, but it must know that I will still be susceptible to the powerful fantasy feelings of love and attraction that LO brings out in me. It wants that rush.

So then, here’s the question: how can I make the commitment to and have the genuine acceptance of never ever seeing or talking to this person, who became a dear friend to me? I think men and women should be able to become friends, but I clearly, or my brain clearly fucked this one up.

I was doing so great at NC, but sneaking peeks of her pics has really, really set me back. I think I know the answer. I have to dust myself off and get back on the trail of healing.

Thanks for any and all advice and empathy
L-F
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Re: How can I kill the hope?

Post by L-F »

It depends...
Do you let your ego get in the way of your healing?

I could only heal when I wasn't afraid to look at my shadows.

As for limerence, there are worse things such as being the one projected upon. Nothing you can do or say can rewrite that narrative they project when you are the LO.

What are you projecting? And does LO deserve it? Probably not. In fact, 100% does not deserve it. Look at what you are doing and why. Limerence itself will fade so you can always wait it out. So many options!

I too hope you can return to being genuine friends.
"LF, why do you weep for the inner child of your abusers?"
"Because I'm not like them."
DreamingBlue
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Re: How can I kill the hope?

Post by DreamingBlue »

That was a great reply. Insightful.

AbsoLUTELY my ego is in the way. Every day it asks, "How could she have a BOYFRIEND!? Why isn't she single, home alone, waiting for me to one day be available, after my wife passes away, or we get divorced? Why isn't she just a lonely damnsel in distress, aging in a lonely, quiet life, waiting for her hilarious, smart, cute slightly older friend to come in with a fresh batch of compliments, witticisms and interesting insights, article links, etc? How DARE she!!

That's what my stupid ego really thinks! It's MAD that a far-fetched, one-way fantasy didn't actually materialize. When asked about my marriage, to literally the love of my life, someone who showed me just how easy, how ecstatic love could be, just how fun, open and sweet sex could be, someone who was a mother beyond compare to my kids, you know what ego says? "Eh." My ego shrugs its shoulders, thinks of her as old, boring, predictable, not curious enough, "holding me back," not as sexually adventurous as me (because she doesn't want to be fucked in the ass, Jesus, let it go, it's her body!) So yes, my goddamn ego, which is CONVINCED I'm more handsome than I really am, is angrily advocating for this dream still to happen. It's really, really pouncing on the initial meeting and subsequent meeting (I've been in her presence twice - ha!) and the feeling of connection. It can't, just can't believe that a.) Wow - a woman THIS pretty ad 100% flawless is genuinely INTO you! and b.) You're just gonna let this DIE???

So you say "Why?" Why is my ego doing this? Okay I'll try to answer.

1. This is not a solid theory, but it's something - a mother, in whom I definitely sensed undying love and devoition, but also a core nervousness and awkwardness, and maybe even a bit of dimness mentally, that perhaps affected my sense of connectio to her, or faith in her. How does this factor in? Well, what followed was a lifetime of being drawn to women who I felt had a stronger sense of self and more confidence in her maternal instincts.

2. An extension of #1 - being around sisters and female cousins and all of their friends, fascinated by their long hair, curves and femininity

3. Hopeless sap formative years - I was always, always pining. When the other kids got girlfriends and got laid, I was too busy crushing on a girl I couldn't have, or who was 400 miles away. Finally senior year I had a girlfriend - a relationship I hurt because I was busy pining for a girl in college! Isn't this sad?

So I guess my ego is still hypervigilant, as my marriage isn't failing, but simply becoming familiar, rote. Fatherhood? I feel ancillary at times, like an old form of comic relief they keep around. The in-house chef and check signer. My ego was saying "You DESERVE this, man!"

I crave to be validated by beautiful women. I am thanknful forever that I met my wife. But part of me wishes I met her later, so I could have had more sex, more experiences in love. But that's just now how life works. When someone shows up who is life changingly important, you commit to them. That's what I did, and it has worked out beyond belief. I need to let my wife know that more often, and I need to appreciate her. I don't need anyone else.

Wow, thanks for provoking me to think!!!!

Dreaming Blue
virusbkk
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Re: How can I kill the hope?

Post by virusbkk »

That's tough and there's no easy fix.

Maybe you can start by accepting that it is a hopeless hope.
Holding on to a hopeless hope is like chasing stars.

You risk wasting potentially minutes, hours, days and even months on a fantasy.

Time is a precious commodity that we all take for granted.
Don't waste time on a hopeless hope.

Use that time to upgrade yourself, upskill yourself or be a better version of yourself.

The only thing deserving of that precious time is yourself,
not a fantasy.
IvB
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Re: How can I kill the hope?

Post by IvB »

I feel a lot of the same, DB, like the need for validation and lack of experience etc. I suppose it helped me that I was in perpetual contact with LO and while he was sweet and clearly physically attracted, many times he disappointed me by (unwittingly) showing me that he is "just not that into me", not enough to be friends/more than physical connection. I suppose that was what slowly helped to kill the hope, together with distracting myself with hobbies/people, as much NC as possible and simply by time passing. Stop peeking at SM, dust off and go back to full NC. Socialize, work on your hobbies and plans, keep busy. She's got a bf so clearly she is not pining for you.
Last edited by IvB on Mon Aug 23, 2021 8:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.
AMA210
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Re: How can I kill the hope?

Post by AMA210 »

Hey DB,

I do think that men and women can be friends, as such, even if one or both is in a LTR. Although, I have found that this is only possible when there is no physical attraction on either side. If there is, it just becomes a complicated mess, and better to be left alone.

Letting go of that hope is a process also and takes a long time to get to that point. It did for me anyway. A tad over five years--long damn time. The level of intensity that we feel with the LO cannot eventually become friendship, at least was this way in my situation.

I think you are making great progress. Remember to give yourself a break and be compassionate. The more that you can fill that void within yourself, the more the LO will recede. Celebrate every victory, no matter how small or insignificant it may seem. Could be as simple as "I didn't look at any pics for three days." It is all of the small steps that matter, and for the mis-steps or steps back, accept these and keep moving forward.

:)
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
theorina38
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Re: How can I kill the hope?

Post by theorina38 »

DreamingBlue wrote: Mon Aug 23, 2021 2:10 am 1. This is not a solid theory, but it's something - a mother, in whom I definitely sensed undying love and devoition, but also a core nervousness and awkwardness, and maybe even a bit of dimness mentally, that perhaps affected my sense of connectio to her, or faith in her. How does this factor in? Well, what followed was a lifetime of being drawn to women who I felt had a stronger sense of self and more confidence in her maternal instincts.
It may be worth exploring what happened when you were young… My LO has the exact same experience (mutual case, my LO is a long term friend) and I think some people just have a potential for limerence and it's not always explained by some kind of neglect or trauma….

You mentioned a blank space in you. I'm pretty convinced that it's a huge part of being limerent. A lack of purpose makes us vulnerable and that's when we place our own happiness in LO's hands. LO kinda gives you your mission.
"Trauma creates change you don't choose.
Healing creates changes you do choose."
– Michelle Rosenthal
marko
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Re: How can I kill the hope?

Post by marko »

A large part of this is wanting to love yourself, and love from anyone else as well. No matter how long I'm past my LO's a part of me still wants that. I stirred the pot yesterday and that hope component is alive and well. After our lunch, that was the stinging part as it's pretty hard to keep the hope alive when you know again how impossible it is. We get along so well, but if she wasn't hot, nor me being LE over her, I would have not texted her. I'm super NC, but that bit of hope and wanting to keep this going I just said, who cares, I'll do it. Never using another person to cure my woes will kill the hope, but I doubt it ever goes away fully. I do exist with it pretty well as it's been a long time that I've stayed away.
AMA210
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Re: How can I kill the hope?

Post by AMA210 »

marko wrote: Wed Sep 22, 2021 4:26 pm A large part of this is wanting to love yourself, and love from anyone else as well. No matter how long I'm past my LO's a part of me still wants that. I stirred the pot yesterday and that hope component is alive and well. After our lunch, that was the stinging part as it's pretty hard to keep the hope alive when you know again how impossible it is. We get along so well, but if she wasn't hot, nor me being LE over her, I would have not texted her. I'm super NC, but that bit of hope and wanting to keep this going I just said, who cares, I'll do it. Never using another person to cure my woes will kill the hope, but I doubt it ever goes away fully. I do exist with it pretty well as it's been a long time that I've stayed away.
I'm glad that you were able to have lunch with her as a "normal person" and not as an "objectified person".
I agree with you in that it never goes away fully. Now that I've accepted the reality of the situation and of where he is at on a "normal person" level, I know that even if there was a future contact with him, it just would not work out or could be a relationship, or even friendship. I think the LO will always be that person and because the experience brings us back to ourselves, and due to the sheer intensity of it, that will always be the constant. So, it's really about learning to live or be without them, which is painful as hell, but worth it, nonetheless.
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
shoegazer
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Re: How can I kill the hope?

Post by shoegazer »

theorina38 wrote: Sat Sep 18, 2021 4:43 pm
DreamingBlue wrote: Mon Aug 23, 2021 2:10 am 1. This is not a solid theory, but it's something - a mother, in whom I definitely sensed undying love and devoition, but also a core nervousness and awkwardness, and maybe even a bit of dimness mentally, that perhaps affected my sense of connectio to her, or faith in her. How does this factor in? Well, what followed was a lifetime of being drawn to women who I felt had a stronger sense of self and more confidence in her maternal instincts.
It may be worth exploring what happened when you were young… My LO has the exact same experience (mutual case, my LO is a long term friend) and I think some people just have a potential for limerence and it's not always explained by some kind of neglect or trauma….

You mentioned a blank space in you. I'm pretty convinced that it's a huge part of being limerent. A lack of purpose makes us vulnerable and that's when we place our own happiness in LO's hands. LO kinda gives you your mission.
"LO kinda gives you your mission". That is absolutely brilliant. I know most big changes I've made in my life for 3 decades (crazy, I know) has been based on "will my LO find that appealing or attractive"? Fortunately, the things I focused on were things that helped me climb the financial ladder, and kept up my appearance. But the problem was my motivation. It wasn't for me. Now I'm feeling without a "mission" for the first time in years. Such a great way of putting it.
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