Looooooong term Limerence (29 years)

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shoegazer
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Re: Looooooong term Limerence (29 years)

Post by shoegazer »

AMA210 wrote: Mon Oct 11, 2021 5:33 pm @shoegazer: "Dumb question AMA, what does "LE" mean? I'm still new to this, and don't have all of the abbreviations down. I have LO and SO so far haha!"

LOL....LE is limerence experience and LS is limerent subject. :D

All kinds of the social media (SM) is especially difficult to deal with, especially for the LS! It's not bad enough that the LO is a thought away most of the time, but adding SM makes them a click away too. The proximity of my LO to my home was literally one minute away. Now I am about 8 minutes away, but my ex-SO still lives there, so just being in that area is really hard for me to deal with.
Amazing! Well done!

SM has made things considerably more difficult for sure. There were years where I didn’t know what she looked like. I still remember how excited I was when she first sent me a pic on my very old flip phone. But now, so many ways to track. But I’m the type to bury my head in the sand and not want to know what she’s up to. A friend would tell me when she’d post something on Facebook and I had to tell her to stop, to me that’s her private business, I’m not a stalker. But then I basically stalk her Spotify…

One thing I am thankful for is we’ve always had a lot of distance between us. She’s over 1000 miles away. I cannot imagine dealing with this in your situation. That would be absolutely brutal.
IvB
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Re: Looooooong term Limerence (29 years)

Post by IvB »

shoegazer wrote: Sun Oct 10, 2021 11:30 pm Yeah, I guess I don't give up easily haha. She's done enough to keep my interest all of those years, and the last 2 1/2 definitely did quite a bit more than that. You're definitely on to something with unavailability. It's more of a factor than I realized. Whenever I can have what I want, in any aspect of my life, I seem to not want it anymore. That is something I definitely need to work on. Thanks for your good thoughts!
Unavailability but not completely. It's the "breadcrumbs" you are getting that keep it alive :(
And indeed, once you achieve something, it suddenly doesn't seem so desirable anymore, I know that feeling. Because there is something you want even more.
Though I have to say what you describe, about deep connection through music etc, that's "romantic" enough to keep the spark alive. I suppose for those whose LO don't reciprocate at all it's easier.
shoegazer
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Re: Looooooong term Limerence (29 years)

Post by shoegazer »

IvB wrote: Mon Oct 11, 2021 8:46 pm
shoegazer wrote: Sun Oct 10, 2021 11:30 pm Yeah, I guess I don't give up easily haha. She's done enough to keep my interest all of those years, and the last 2 1/2 definitely did quite a bit more than that. You're definitely on to something with unavailability. It's more of a factor than I realized. Whenever I can have what I want, in any aspect of my life, I seem to not want it anymore. That is something I definitely need to work on. Thanks for your good thoughts!
Unavailability but not completely. It's the "breadcrumbs" you are getting that keep it alive :(
And indeed, once you achieve something, it suddenly doesn't seem so desirable anymore, I know that feeling. Because there is something you want even more.
Though I have to say what you describe, about deep connection through music etc, that's "romantic" enough to keep the spark alive. I suppose for those whose LO don't reciprocate at all it's easier.
It's all very high school. It's the "no contact, but I'm still going to tease you" game I guess.

The sad thing about my piano playing recently, I haven't really played in years, like 15-20. But my LO would always mention it to me, since I used to play for her when she was 18. So, as soon as her husband found out what happened, and NC started a month later, what did I do? Went out and got a piano of course... And started playing constantly. I've posted a song a week at least, just finished practicing for my next song. And it is very romantic in a weird way. It's my way of communicating with her right now. But, again, it's keeping up the hope for something that if it were ever going to happen, it would have happened this time. She literally said "I choose you" 2 days before her husband found out what was going on. So, I know, it's time to truly move on from this for the first time. I always thought I had things under control. It's been obvious the past few months that I don't. Not even close...
L-F
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Re: Looooooong term Limerence (29 years)

Post by L-F »

shoegazer wrote: Sun Oct 10, 2021 11:30 pm She's done enough to keep my interest all of those years
That's because you're not married to her. If you want to kill limerence, propose.

What is it that you really want shoegazer? It appears you have a grasp on what's happening... what limerence is.

Are you wanting to overcome limerence?
Leave your wife?
Marry your LO?
Continue having an affair?

To overcome limerence, imo, one needs to learn to master their emotions.

All the best on your journey.
"LF, why do you weep for the inner child of your abusers?"
"Because I'm not like them."
shoegazer
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Re: Looooooong term Limerence (29 years)

Post by shoegazer »

L-F wrote: Thu Oct 14, 2021 4:28 am
shoegazer wrote: Sun Oct 10, 2021 11:30 pm She's done enough to keep my interest all of those years
That's because you're not married to her. If you want to kill limerence, propose.

What is it that you really want shoegazer? It appears you have a grasp on what's happening... what limerence is.

Are you wanting to overcome limerence?
Leave your wife?
Marry your LO?
Continue having an affair?

To overcome limerence, imo, one needs to learn to master their emotions.

All the best on your journey.
Appreciate you getting to the point, since that's what I struggle with most.

I think I most want to overcome limerence honestly, because that has so clouded my judgement over the years. I have had other LO's in my life, none as intense or as long lasting as this one though. I didn't really have a good grasp on things until a few weeks ago. I thought the way I "fall in love" was common. But I grab onto things and hold on tight at the start, then I get lazy and comfortable after I get what I want (if I get what I want). I want to learn how to focus on loving myself, and stop putting specific women (especially my LO) on a pedestal. To start seeing things as they really are. To see things the way I can when I'm looking at other peoples lives from a distance. I hear the advice I give to people going through relationship trouble, and it's honestly so good, but then I don't live that way myself AT ALL. I'm 49 now. I've had a great life in so many ways. But much of it has been wasted obsessing over things and people that are out of my control. So, thank you for asking, that really crystallizes things for me.

My LO is wonderful in so many ways, and I think we'd make a great couple. We talk for hours and never get bored. But it can never work with the way I look at things today. So, no matter how much I want to be with her at this very moment and have for so many years, I need to figure me out first. I need to find a way to fall in love with myself.
IvB
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Re: Looooooong term Limerence (29 years)

Post by IvB »

shoegazer wrote: Thu Oct 14, 2021 2:12 pm I thought the way I "fall in love" was common. But I grab onto things and hold on tight at the start, then I get lazy and comfortable after I get what I want (if I get what I want). I want to learn how to focus on loving myself, and stop putting specific women (especially my LO) on a pedestal. To start seeing things as they really are. To see things the way I can when I'm looking at other peoples lives from a distance. I hear the advice I give to people going through relationship trouble, and it's honestly so good, but then I don't live that way myself AT ALL.
Thank you, very exact description of myself. I thought that it was love, with my SO and a previous LO. The discovery of limerence was groundbreaking but also worrying because now I know that I never "fell in love the normal way".
Loving myself I struggle with but giving advice I am good at too :D
shoegazer
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Re: Looooooong term Limerence (29 years)

Post by shoegazer »

Quick reply to my situation. As I mentioned this has been going on a long time. But this current situation (2.5 years), I've never been given a "no". And I technically still haven't. But my LO has avoided the tough conversations with me, and asked for no contact in early July so she could "figure things out". She had some big decisions to make at that point. Her husband wanted to stay with her after he found out about the affair (as far as I know he knows about the emotional affair, not sex). But they had remodeled their house and were about to get it listed for sale, so I knew that was a big fork in the road for her. I told myself, if she bought a "forever" type home, then that meant it was over. She's never lived in a home like that. They usually buy cheap, remodel, and flip. My friend said she just shared the house she bought on Facebook, and it appears to be more of the forever home variety. So, 4 months after finding out about the affair, both she and her husband signed up for a big commitment to each other.

I knew this was coming deep down. But in all of the time, I never felt like she picked him over me. I felt that she was with him based off him showing the interest first when I hesitated. Well, for the first time, I think she had a choice, and she picked him. I never got divorced and fully offered myself to her, but I know how that would have turned out. So, hopefully this level of finality to things will allow me to take that next step. I still really wish we could have the "closure" conversation. I could reach out for her and ask for it. But I guess I'm hoping she'll one day come to the conclusion that it needs to happen. My friend thinks she won't, one because she doesn't want to confront the things she's said and lead me to believe. And second because she wants me to be there if/when she's hurting or lonely again, and if she shuts the door I won't be there. Not sure what I want to do. I do want answers though. Thanks for reading.
shoegazer
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Re: Looooooong term Limerence (29 years)

Post by shoegazer »

IvB wrote: Thu Oct 14, 2021 8:11 pm
shoegazer wrote: Thu Oct 14, 2021 2:12 pm I thought the way I "fall in love" was common. But I grab onto things and hold on tight at the start, then I get lazy and comfortable after I get what I want (if I get what I want). I want to learn how to focus on loving myself, and stop putting specific women (especially my LO) on a pedestal. To start seeing things as they really are. To see things the way I can when I'm looking at other peoples lives from a distance. I hear the advice I give to people going through relationship trouble, and it's honestly so good, but then I don't live that way myself AT ALL.
Thank you, very exact description of myself. I thought that it was love, with my SO and a previous LO. The discovery of limerence was groundbreaking but also worrying because now I know that I never "fell in love the normal way".
Loving myself I struggle with but giving advice I am good at too :D
Sometimes when I hear what I'm saying out loud, I want to slap myself for how ridiculous it sounds. Starting to realize that it's not me, it's the limerence talking.
AMA210
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Re: Looooooong term Limerence (29 years)

Post by AMA210 »

Hi Shoegazer,

I am going to take this thread in a different direction, as I am just a very curious person.

First, had you been a guest here on the forum for a while before posting or was it the result of an internet search? There always seem to be a good number of guests here who don't register at all.

Second, shoe gazer...was the original name "star" gazer and the word "shoe" was just filled in for you?

:)
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
shoegazer
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Re: Looooooong term Limerence (29 years)

Post by shoegazer »

AMA210 wrote: Fri Oct 15, 2021 1:07 am Hi Shoegazer,

I am going to take this thread in a different direction, as I am just a very curious person.

First, had you been a guest here on the forum for a while before posting or was it the result of an internet search? There always seem to be a good number of guests here who don't register at all.

Second, shoe gazer...was the original name "star" gazer and the word "shoe" was just filled in for you?

:)
After my affair ended in June, I started looking up information regarding affairs. I kept seeing the word limerence. And the way it was used, it was to the effect of "well you just think you're in love with this person since you're in the early/passionate part of the relationship". So I blew it off, and didn't look further into it since I have had strong feelings for my LO for 3 decades. That initial rush should have long worn off based off how I understood limerence.

Then last week, when my LO posted a Facebook profile in the shirt she knew was my favorite, I started wondering why I was looking so deeply at little signs about everything. She blocked me on Instagram after we got into a bit of a tiff a month and a half ago, then unblocked me. The pic with the shirt. Her watching my piano videos. It all "meant something!". So, I decided to look further into what Limerence was a week ago, and came across a couple of video that Dr. Perl posted and read some definitions and thought "that is me". All of these years and I never knew. I thought what I was going through was normal. I thought my LO and I were having this amazing, weird, love connection that lasted more than half of our lives. So, long answer to your question, I'm new here. I signed up right away and have been reading and reading and reading trying to learn more. I just finished Dr. Tannov's book on Limerence and will be moving on to other sources on the subject. And I'm sure will purchase the video series provided here.

Regarding "shoegazer". Shoegaze was/is a genre of music that came out of England in the early 90's. Bands most known for it are My Bloody Valentine, Slowdive, and Ride. An extension of post-punk, but very dreamy, with swirling/loud guitars, where vocals are hushed. My LO and I both love it. It's called that since the bands all used a lot of guitar pedals, and while they played live they spent more time looking at where their feet were on the pedals than looking out into the crowd. "Shoegaze". But it's also an apt description of me. I'm an introvert by nature, and only child. I spend more time looking down than up I think. And I'm hoping learning more about limerence can change that, and I can change my name to stargazer.
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