Met LO yesterday and things resurfaced

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dunning-kruger
Posts: 1
Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2021 8:20 pm
Great Britain

Met LO yesterday and things resurfaced

Post by dunning-kruger »

I'm new here and I guess I just want a safe place to ventilate without being judged. I feel like I can't tell my friends and family because I feel such tremendous shame about my situation and the only friend I feel like I could tell is my LO's brother, who is my best friend. Their relationship is kind of problematic and they're both a touchy subject for one another and I just don't want to stir things up and risk losing either of them. Especially my best friend. I hope I'm not breaking any rules by writing here.

I've been LE for just under a year now. I only found out about the term limerence just recently, but I've been trying to work out my own coping strategies for a while since this has been a huge stressor for me. I realised that it probably stemmed from a combination of unmet childhood needs as well as having a lot of turbulence in my life for the past years. I begun to work on trying to meet those unmet needs, as well as trying to take control of every controllable aspect in my life. I also went LC with my LO as NC isn't an option. It's still a long way to go but after some time it seemed to have paid off. Intrusive thoughts went from an hourly occurence to maybe a bi-weekly and euphoria only happened after some, but not all, phone calls. I felt that I finally had this beast under control.

Then yesterday happened. We met, after not having seen eachother for a couple of months. It was work related, as it always is since LC. At first it felt... Just normal. Was happy to see her and enjoyed her company, but not much more than that. And then she suddenly wrapped her arms around me and leaned her head against mine. We sat like that for a couple of minutes until I pulled away. I basically knew I was done for it. Euphoria followed about 30 minutes after we parted and my brain began to fixate on every, single detail of our meeting that could indicate she was interested in me. Intrusive thoughts began that night and it's like they came back with full intensity.

Today has been difficult. I'm slipping her name into every, single conversation I have and I'm finding myself frequently zoning out to daydream about her. I'm trying to counter every thought the best I can but my brain keep trying to convince me that the thoughts are desirable and that she secretely longs for me. I'm just really frustrated and I fear that all my hard work has been in vain. I refuse to go back to the living hell I was in before. I feel so bad for both her and my best mate. If only they knew what was going on in my head.
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David
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Re: Met LO yesterday and things resurfaced

Post by David »

Welcome DK and pleased you have found a non judging non shaming place to vent and get support
For more focussed support, why not join our membership support community? See www.limerence.net on how to join today.
IvB
Posts: 248
Joined: Thu Nov 12, 2020 8:30 pm
Czech Republic

Re: Met LO yesterday and things resurfaced

Post by IvB »

Hello DK. You sound similar to my story, LE about a year with a work colleague, LC with my LO. I am sorry for your suffering but you seem to have been doing quite well.

When you say "she wrapped her arms around me and leaned her head against mine. We sat like that for a couple of minutes" - if not interested in you, than that's at least very mixed signals! Are you both single?
L-F
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Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Met LO yesterday and things resurfaced

Post by L-F »

IvB wrote: Mon Oct 25, 2021 6:50 am When you say "she wrapped her arms around me and leaned her head against mine. We sat like that for a couple of minutes" - if not interested in you, than that's at least very mixed signals! Are you both single?
Quite possibly, but keep in mind that limerents are prone to reading too much into things. We'll grab on to the smallest of things and s.t.r.e.t.c.h. it out. Often when a limerent confesses their besottedness the LO will say they don't share the same feelings. Whether that's to protect others (ie their spouse or their own backside), who knows.

It is best to use open communication for clarity when trying to navigate the quagmire of mixed signals. None of this 'what did they mean' stuff, which is like adding a set of ankle weights in the hopes of getting out of the quagmire. Basically, focusing on mixed signals slows you down when moving through limerence. Plus it's also a way to take the focus off the limerent by externalising the issue of 'what am I feeling and why?'
In other words, not taking ownership of one's feelings.
They made me feel .... because of their ..... vs
I feel .... because of my .....



Anyhoooo... welcome d-k!
"LF, why do you weep for the inner child of your abusers?"
"Because I'm not like them."
IvB
Posts: 248
Joined: Thu Nov 12, 2020 8:30 pm
Czech Republic

Re: Met LO yesterday and things resurfaced

Post by IvB »

Absolutely agree, L-F, just thinking that if they were both single, there would be an option. And I with any of my male colleagues or friends would I not behave like that, so whether this is breadcrumbs or what, to me it's not a normal behaviour. But I don't have enough background info about how they know each other, indeed, so it might be just a very good friendship.
virusbkk
Posts: 81
Joined: Sun Jun 06, 2021 7:37 am
Hong Kong

Re: Met LO yesterday and things resurfaced

Post by virusbkk »

Welcome to the forums!

I know exactly what you mean because I'm been there myself.
In fact, I was in brief but intense relationship/affair with the LO, until it crashed & burned.

It is unclear as to what is the backstory between you and the LO.
Are you both single or is either of you in a committed relationship?
Did you ask her out at anytime in the past?

IF you have never asked her out & IF you are both single, I'd say - go for it.

One key aspect of limerence is being hyper-vigilant - our brain desperately tries to make these convoluted connections,
to make us believe that the LO could possibly be hinting or reciprocating what we feel for them.

This is likely what you experienced with the hug,
wherein your brain tried to find hidden meaning in what was probably a friendly / platonic gesture.

The only way that this goes away is when you go back into full LC mode.
In fact, it might be a good idea to go full NC, at least for a brief period.

Good luck!
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