I broke NC by accident and something unexpected happened..

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virusbkk
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I broke NC by accident and something unexpected happened..

Post by virusbkk »

To those who may have followed my posts might recall that I spoke of a whirlwind affair with an avoidant woman, at the start of the year.
It was an intense,fleeting romance that ended in crash-and-burn fashion after a few months.

My SO became suspicious towards the end and confronted me,
right after I returned home from a weekend getaway with the aforementioned woman.

After the LO ended things, I went full NC and began my recovery via journal entries, posting on this forum and generally keeping busy with life.
The LO's contact information was blocked, deleted and that was that.

My recovery had it's typical ebbs and flows and the limerence started to decrease, slowly but steadily.
I went from thinking about the LO 80% of the time to about 40% of the time.

The LO and I shared the same birthday which passed a few weeks ago.
It was the final frontier where I thought I might cave and initiate some sort of communication,
but luckily, nothing of that sort happened.

However, despite the up/down, albeit consistent recovery, I was still getting ruminations that would trigger me,
until...I accidentally stumbled upon some deleted photos of the LO on my phone, some days ago.
They were taken by me during the weekend getaway.

The moment I saw those photos, something popped - she looked like a completely different person - so normal,plain, tired and 'old'.
The feeling was akin to removing beer goggles. And just like that, those ruminations vanished - she was not special anymore.

In the last 3 days, the ruminations popped up only 10-20% of the time - and these ruminations are not triggering me.
This is all to say - I maintained a routine and practised self-discipline to liberate myself from limerence.
The limerence decreased gradually as time passed, but ironically,
what got me across the finish line was unintentionally breaking NC by looking at a photo.

Sometimes we need to confront limerence head-on and humanise the LO,
but only after we have already reached a certain level of clarity/detachment.
At least that's what has appeared to work for me.

How I came to stumble upon her deleted photos is when I was trying to recover some recent photos that got accidentally deleted,
using a photo-recovery software.

Fate works in mysterious ways.
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David
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Re: I broke NC by accident and something unexpected happened..

Post by David »

There is growth when we realise our LO’s are human after all, resplendent with their own faults and flaws
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Significant other
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Re: I broke NC by accident and something unexpected happened..

Post by Significant other »

Hello Virusbkk.
From my experience as SO of my DW / LS, and everything I have read, the procedure takes about 2 years.
We have been there for almost that long and I can assure you that she is still looking for proof of life in SM of her LO.
And this despite the fact that they closed the relationship in February and that I discovered the EA since the beginning of last year and fighting fiercely (I threatened divorce and this summer we were separated for almost 3 months with 2 daughters).
Progress is made but very slowly, perhaps the step that you need to take is to confess it (it is not necessary to be entirely sincere) to your SO, it would be like a good cool
water shower, closing doors to fantasy and returning, as Freud would say, to the PRINCIPLE OF REALITY.
Good luck.
L-F
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Re: I broke NC by accident and something unexpected happened..

Post by L-F »

I don't know about confessing @Significant Other.
Though, what did pop into my head...
virusbkk wrote: Tue Nov 23, 2021 9:55 am To those who may have followed my posts might recall that I spoke of a whirlwind affair with an avoidant woman, at the start of the year.
... is that...
virusbkk wrote: Tue Nov 23, 2021 9:55 am My SO became suspicious towards the end and confronted me,
right after I returned home from a weekend getaway with the aforementioned woman.
Perhaps we're ALL a little avoidant ;)
"LF, why do you weep for the inner child of your abusers?"
"Because I'm not like them."
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David
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Re: I broke NC by accident and something unexpected happened..

Post by David »

L-F wrote: Tue Nov 23, 2021 8:15 pm

Perhaps we're ALL a little avoidant ;)
I believe understanding our attachment styles goes a long way to understanding the dynamics that play out in our relationships. When i first read about this, it was a light bulb moment and answered why my marriage had gone through cycles of periodic rupture. SO is the classic avoidant. I used to think I was anxiously attached however now know that i can exhibit both extremes and vacillate from anxious to avoidant. In a way I have the worst of both worlds.

I recently heard a great expression. Those that cant control their emotions try and control other’s behaviours. Before doing my own work, that was me to a T. I don't believe we can change our fundamental attachment style , however i do believe we can do a lot more to control our emotions that are predicated by our attachment style.

I also how many other folk here are also anxiously avoidant attached?
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virusbkk
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Re: I broke NC by accident and something unexpected happened..

Post by virusbkk »

David wrote: Wed Nov 24, 2021 4:24 am
L-F wrote: Tue Nov 23, 2021 8:15 pm

Perhaps we're ALL a little avoidant ;)
I believe understanding our attachment styles goes a long way to understanding the dynamics that play out in our relationships. When i first read about this, it was a light bulb moment and answered why my marriage had gone through cycles of periodic rupture. SO is the classic avoidant. I used to think I was anxiously attached however now know that i can exhibit both extremes and vacillate from anxious to avoidant. In a way I have the worst of both worlds.

I recently heard a great expression. Those that cant control their emotions try and control other’s behaviours. Before doing my own work, that was me to a T. I don't believe we can change our fundamental attachment style , however i do believe we can do a lot more to control our emotions that are predicated by our attachment style.

I also how many other folk here are also anxiously avoidant attached?
Completely agree.
I delved deep into attachment theory and self-introspection during the past 7 months.

Based on some quizzes that I completed, in addition to analysing the history of my past relationships,
lead me to the conclusion that I am fearful avoidant (FA) i.e. mix of both anxious and avoidant,
however I lean towards avoidant most of the time.

The SO and I at the outset were the classic anxious-avoidant trap (her anxious, me avoidant).

During the brief period with the LO, I was pure FA and I suspect she was as well,
because we were basically triggering each other all the time.
DreamingBlue
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Re: I broke NC by accident and something unexpected happened..

Post by DreamingBlue »

I am so very jealous. I thought this was happening to me when I peeked at Instagram photos of her and she looked surprisingly down to earth compared to my fantasy version of her.

But since then there’s been other photos where I can see her boyfriend living my dream life, and her with all the glamour she ever had. I do understand that she’s human I do understand a relationship with her could be disastrous as a married man with kids, I get all that but still she haunts me. I think above everything it’s a fear of regret I fear regretting not being with her. Why can I see the counter to that the satisfaction that will come with living within my principles and morals?
L-F
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Re: I broke NC by accident and something unexpected happened..

Post by L-F »

David wrote: Wed Nov 24, 2021 4:24 am I used to think I was anxiously attached however now know that i can exhibit both extremes and vacillate from anxious to avoidant. In a way I have the worst of both worlds.
I don't know if anxious/avoidance, but do believe it's part and parcel of codependency. I'm not remotely interested in looking that up, lol. From my perspective, regarding my relationship, we're both anxious, and avoidant when the other triggers it. This I've long since realized.

Since we'll be living apart during the week, we'll both be tested which is great! It will kill us or strengthen us. So be it.
I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt, when I'm being overly needy, overly invested, or overly anxious and the reasons why. I know, because it's felt in the pit of my stomach when I'm being overly this or that and it's because I'm scared of being abandoned. But at the end of the day, its about me abandoning my true self, not anyone else abandoning me.
"LF, why do you weep for the inner child of your abusers?"
"Because I'm not like them."
Significant other
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Re: I broke NC by accident and something unexpected happened..

Post by Significant other »

LF wrote: "I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt, when I'm being overly needy, overly invested, or overly anxious and the reasons why. I know, because it's felt in the pit of my stomach when I'm being overly this or that and it's because I'm scared of being abandoned. But at the end of the day, its about me abandoning my true self, not anyone else abandoning me. " Great reflection. Very mature. It is a summary of part of my psychoanalysis, 27 years ago. I insist on neuroses; almost always mixed, for men: Obsessive neurosis, oedipal phantom, abuse (rival "father"), liberation: thought / act (obsession-compulsion) Phobic neurosis, ghost abandonment (strict father, prohibition), external liberation (fear of open and closed spaces, animals, relationships, etc ...) Hysterical neurosis (seductive father) liberation, conversion (own body, various somatizations) All these phantasies are based on "real" or exaggerated facts, events, feelings, (unconscious signifiers) by an immature, infantile, overexcited ego, overwhelmed by drive tensions, libidinal, unacceptable and not "released / relaxed" by other partial salisfactions: Culture, interpersonal interactions, sex, etc ... All of this leads to repression and regression, stagnation. The unconscious is made up of a chain structured as a language (with its rules, order etc ...) of signifiers. There is a gap in the chain, which in turn is filled by an object a, fantasized. symbolic (word) to the conscious, to leave another hole and that the wheel of signifiers continues to rotate continuously ... Somewhat complicated, but logical and very interesting. I insist on the economic, tensional explanation of the unconscious, Freud, Lacan.
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