Turning the corner

[Significant other]

Peter.rabbit wrote :
Question to self: The fantasy thing is strong, why is fantasy more attractive than reality? Answer: after a moment of thought- because a fantasy can be tailor-made and customized for maximum reward, whereas reality simply is-what-it-is.

Great reflection, to frame it. Very good Peter.

[Significant other]

The great reward of the ghost,for the neurotic, is not being able to reach the infinite enjoyment that would unconsciously destroy him, that is, he gets what he wants: dissatisfaction and sadness.

[L-F]

10 years ago, with a previous LO, I surrounded myself with positive people. Not people who would b.s. me. But those that had a great outlook on life.

Glad you've managed to remain friends with a previous LO.

I highlighted the above because it's not, I feel, what others say but what we say to ourselves. How many here kid themselves with notions of 'getting over limerence' I wonder? We have to be really really careful that we're not trying to convince ourselves we're over it. Too many times I read when one confesses they are over it, then they're not, then they are, and on the cycle goes. Limerents, in my experience, are brilliant at repeating the washcycle, and I believe David has a thread on here about 'patterns'?

Does this mean limerents who confess to being over it are in the wrong? Absolutely not. It just means we ought to be aware of the potential to kid ourselves. Wishful thinking springs to mind.

And I was very happy to discover today, that finally the reality is getting back some of its old appeal. I saw a pic of my LO on Fb and while it wrenched a knife into my heart, as usual, I recovered quickly and noticed that I don't anymore have the feeling that without him my life is worthless. That actually I am mildly looking forward to some of my November-December plans. So after over a year, I also seem to be turning a corner. Small steps forward, everyone!

Really pleased for you IvB! After all these years of being on the other side of the fence, I can honestly say LO (not necessarily LO in person, but anything related to LO that is visual or concrete, ie not a fantasy in my head), can throw me. Doesn't take me long to recover as you've mentioned, though its the thought of being thrown that surprises me more than anything.

I realize that this mode of romanticized thinking is a lifelong affliction

I'd agree. We can change our thoughts. We can even stop ruminating. But the romanticized thinking? I feel it is a part of us that we carry for life. It just means being aware of it and being aware not to do it if/when it creeps back in, imo.

As someone else mentioned on here, keeping busy is vital! After all, an idle mind is the devil's workshop.

BTW, I can think of LO and not be moved. I don't have random thoughts about LO. In fact LO very rarely enters my mind unless I choose to talk about them. But see LO or anything related to LO, can momentarily cause an spike in anxiety. It's this spike that I'm more interested in than LO themselves. Couldn't care less about LO, though wish them no ill.

[DreamingBlue]

Peter, enjoy your mature reflections here and your work to get better.

I'm in 5 months NC but am still tortured with endless questions and what if thoughts, and fear and sadness around the idea of losing LO as a friend.

The several times I've cheated NC by looking at photos of her, which I do consider "contact" in a way, it has had terrible effects on me, but I still go back because my limerent brain wants me to believe the alternative, complete erasure of her from my life, is far worse.

Another book I would be curious for feedback on is "Brain Lock" dealing with OCD. It's frustrating though, because limerence is NOT OCD, but it shares many similarities. So I really can't tell what physical/neurological defect I have that causes this, but it has to be something akin to OCD.

I agree that being on this side of the wall of contact is better. It takes away the rollercoaster ride that is life with LO in it.

[Significant other]

DreamingBlue, I think you are on the right track, little by little.
Speaking of readings, theories, etc ... I approach Limerence, from a psychological point of view or rather a classical psychoanalytic, as a neurosis (Obsessive, hysterical, or phobic).
I am focusing on the Oedipus complex, on the "castration anxiety", the critical point.
In brief: The 4-year-old child encounters an excessive "sexual" drive (desire / {phallus} / jouissance) in principle for his / her parent or caregiver of the opposite sex (Oedipus + complex) but at the same time the "prohibition of incest" that forces the subject to temper and then replace their drives or rather their objects of desire ...
In this always premature psychosexual maturation, "ghosts" may appear (imagined representations, pleasant overexcitations, etc ...) that repress and block this process of sexualization / de-exiting of the Other (mother and father) .... This occurs in the phallic phase, preceded by oral (breast feeding) and anal (detachment, fragmentation).
All this is the formation of the "I".

Well, to the point, psychoanalysis, aims to take the patient to these initial unconscious states, deconstruct the phantasms and build a new, healthy self, from scratch, by means of the word (the symbolic), transform them into conscious ones ... that's why it is Ama210's very good idea .... start with our most basic needs, food (oral phase, etc) ....
I see many similarities between these castration ghosts and the ghosts of an imagined and IMPOSSIBLE relationship, with LO, which is representing the father or the mother, the object of incest, which would lead to a maximum, infinite enjoyment that would destroy the self ... But that never occurs because the fusion with father or mother is never total, something is always lost, the Ghost.
And it's scary.
There is an author, Juan David Nasio, (Lacanian psychiatrist / psychoanalyst), who explains it very well. I recommend "The pain of hysteria" and "The Oedipus, crucial concept of psychoanalysis"
Melanie Klein- she talks about the schizo-infantile and depressive phase ... she explains it in another way but also very interesting.
I am more convinced by this approach than cognitive behavioral therapy, although perhaps combined they would be more effective.

[peter.rabbit]

LO very rarely enters my mind unless I choose to talk about them. But see LO or anything related to LO, can momentarily cause an spike in anxiety. It's this spike that I'm more interested in than LO themselves. Couldn't care less about LO, though wish them no ill.

Lately my LO seldom pops into my head, but when she does the thought doesn't bring the usual emotional content. I have reconciled with the fact that "she's not my girlfriend".

As I move through my typical day's activities my mind wanders(non-stop), and settles on various thoughts, inspects them, makes connections etc. I see a "thread" running though my life's emotional history. I believe that my LO represents a composite of various women in my past, the most powerful connection is to my ex-wife, the mother of my children. More than ever, I would like to make amends with her.

[L-F]

the most powerful connection is to my ex-wife, the mother of my children.

You've mentioned her before. If I was her, what would you say to me?

[peter.rabbit]

the most powerful connection is to my ex-wife, the mother of my children.

You've mentioned her before. If I was her, what would you say to me?

I really am not sure, we have not been on speaking terms for so long. My son just announced during Thanksgiving dinner that he and his partner are engaged to be married. No doubt I'll see the EX at the wedding, probably won't get any one-on-one interaction with her, her husband is absolutely toxic.

I've always felt that my EX tried to create a divide between me and the kids during/after the divorce. I can forgive her greed over money and property, but as of yet I haven't forgiven her for attempting to poison my kids minds.

[peter.rabbit]

NC is working well for me, although not by choice but by circumstance. The lessening of the obsessive mind activity is most welcome, I'm working on keeping it that way.

I'm just 'checking-in', NC still working and I intend to keep it that way!

[David]

NC is the best way to break the addiction - glad its still working for you PR.