Mother

[marko]

She lost her mind--sort of, her breakdown at 82 reminds me of my LE downfall, but she hasn't an LO. We moved her in and her negative demeanor sends me back in time to how critical and harmful she was as a mother. Now I see her poor family roots making here what she was, making me what I am. Never to encourage or validate me as a person had me in a life of le desperately looking for that wanted self. Forcing this wanted self and love where there was none, manifested itself quite spectacularly. I think what strikes me is how ones own needs for this le comfort is as elusive as the comfort one tries to give her. These fears of being alone and what it is to be alone are too self centered to be healed by another. I also see my inadequacies in how could I so unbalanced bring any balance to that. You also see what your own destiny is looking like and that's frightful. At first her presence was distracting (especially the time of year I really long for the LO), but now it's too revealing and self reflecting--oh ya, I remember why I went all nuts. Looking for an escape, managing to manage--NC and all.

[Idiotic]

Nothing to add to this Marko. You've put it simply and eloquently as you always do.

[marko]

Thanks, it wasn't until she moved in that the full weight of it all hit. Oh my, I feel worthless because she had no ability to make me feel worthy. The pathway to LE so wrapped in that wanting to be loved and accepted. I told her that (not the LE part) and it hurt her. I pointed out as well how having a loser kid benefited her as I'm around and my life experiences allow me empathy and skills to help her. My depression crept back in as it's nice to know, but nearing 57, there is one mindset--destruction complete. She won't suddenly heap praises on me, and I won't suddenly recover from all those years of deprecation. Is it having to manage it all that makes me so friendless. I'm well thought of, funny, and mostly positive. I see guys as only wanting to talk about football, and I guess all the distracting avenues I've pursued as far as the arts and being educated just makes me a bore. I don't even talk about my stuff past a mention as not to be that, but hollow headed people are no fun for me either--unless they're hot and LO like

[Cookie]

These fears of being alone and what it is to be alone are too self centered to be healed by another.

Aristotle-level stuff here, marko. Once again you've cut to the chase. And the bone. The mother connection, I'd suspected through her years of alcoholism and half-hearted attempts at recovery. Drowning away her own grief. Now we are friends and weave in and out of mother-daughter dynamics, bonded because there is no one else left. And, God's punchline for me...she's not even my real mom.

I've given it up to Jah and have mapped out in my head an island escape back to where we lived as a family and were happy. I swear we were once. Mom and I talk about it, so it must be real? We took Dad’s ashes there, but of course she brought an entourage. This time it's just me and the waves and the islanders, now my friends. I know where they're from, but they don't ask me.

Thanks for letting me muse here. I...get you.

[JupiterTaco]

That should be a quote...

[marko]

These fears of being alone and what it is to be alone are too self centered to be healed by another.

Aristotle-level stuff here, marko. Once again you've cut to the chase. And the bone. The mother connection, I'd suspected through her years of alcoholism and half-hearted attempts at recovery. Drowning away her own grief. Now we are friends and weave in and out of mother-daughter dynamics, bonded because there is no one else left. And, God's punchline for me...she's not even my real mom.

I've given it up to Jah and have mapped out in my head an island escape back to where we lived as a family and were happy. I swear we were once. Mom and I talk about it, so it must be real? We took Dad’s ashes there, but of course she brought an entourage. This time it's just me and the waves and the islanders, now my friends. I know where they're from, but they don't ask me.

Thanks for letting me muse here. I...get you.

I'm happy for you in the friendship. As my mom's cognitive ability is quite diminished I can't figure out how to bridge any gaps. I certainly empathize with her rumination and fixations on what she is going through, but it's like the time has passed. Her day revolves around her aches and pains and pills, wrapped in contradictions. Her anxiety clouds her so much as well. One thing this has uncovered is how much that strong critical me came out through the years. I see the LE clean slate I wanted as it erases the me I created. So our weak family struggles to handle this added stress. My daughter is very wounded over how my wife and I are nothing but strangers. She was crushed last night and told my wife how much she hated her. I sat there seeing how much I poisoned the whole thing all these years. My wife is also unable to admit or unravel her own poison, so you sit and think how a healthier person could have done better. With my mom in the house I feel the deep wound, that enables me to only keep myself above water let alone aid in healing any of this. So mom poisons me, then I injected everyone else. I did much better, but I had no idea. Guess you can dupe yourself in all kinds of ways.

[Spadge100]

It’s an interesting thread and I can see a lot of how you are parented could induce limerence.

My mum suffered greatly with mental health issues and my dad was largely absent until her passing six years ago. I only really grieved her passing last year when I was trying to make sense of it all I was drawn to visit her. I mentioned my EA to my Dad just before I was hospitalised and turns out he had one for seventeen years! Now I know why he was so distant. He believed she was his soulmate and about a month after my mum passed travelled to the States to propose! Turned out they weren’t compatible.

I wonder if limerence, like other MH illnesses, may actually be genetics at play to some extent?

[AMA210]

She lost her mind--sort of, her breakdown at 82 reminds me of my LE downfall, but she hasn't an LO. We moved her in and her negative demeanor sends me back in time to how critical and harmful she was as a mother. Now I see her poor family roots making here what she was, making me what I am. Never to encourage or validate me as a person had me in a life of le desperately looking for that wanted self. Forcing this wanted self and love where there was none, manifested itself quite spectacularly. I think what strikes me is how ones own needs for this le comfort is as elusive as the comfort one tries to give her. These fears of being alone and what it is to be alone are too self centered to be healed by another. I also see my inadequacies in how could I so unbalanced bring any balance to that. You also see what your own destiny is looking like and that's frightful. At first her presence was distracting (especially the time of year I really long for the LO), but now it's too revealing and self reflecting--oh ya, I remember why I went all nuts. Looking for an escape, managing to manage--NC and all.

Hi Marko.
Your words are always so eloquent and I am convinced that they should be put out there into the world, either via book or blog. I say this because they have the potential to heal the wounded male. At the very least, please consider it.

I think doing some inner work on the mother relationship would help me to heal that. I have not considered this until now and was not able to do it while she was still here--she passed away when I was 30. My sister's experience growing up is completely different than mine, like polar opposites. So much control and that behavior is evident in her life. LE was all that you mentioned - escape from reality and proving that I was good enough to be loved, no matter what the cost, and surrendering all power to another person, namely LO.

We have learned much along the way and stayed the course. Despite being told that we weren't enough, we have proved it to ourself that we are (and always have been).

Peace

[Cookie]

So mom poisons me, then I injected everyone else. I did much better, but I had no idea. Guess you can dupe yourself in all kinds of ways.

We always feel responsible for these other dynamics, as is our nature. But they were already on their own course. Everyone plays a part, and no one is greater than the other. As a mom (and an inverted narc), I feel a combination of relief and disappointment in accepting my limited role.

Oh, and what a difference just a couple weeks can make. My "friendship" with my own mother has soured a bit since my previous post here, as she's waved her addiction and dysfunction in my face--I guess to test if I will still try to save her. My husband is convinced it's to torment me, and he's probably right. But I continue to pretend.

Your daughter's thing with her mom will play out however it does, but that's not on you.

[marko]

It’s an interesting thread and I can see a lot of how you are parented could induce limerence.

My mum suffered greatly with mental health issues and my dad was largely absent until her passing six years ago. I only really grieved her passing last year when I was trying to make sense of it all I was drawn to visit her. I mentioned my EA to my Dad just before I was hospitalised and turns out he had one for seventeen years! Now I know why he was so distant. He believed she was his soulmate and about a month after my mum passed travelled to the States to propose! Turned out they weren’t compatible.

I wonder if limerence, like other MH illnesses, may actually be genetics at play to some extent?

I'd say yes in the amount of anxiety/depression chemicals come from genetics. I kind of see everyone and everything in the realm of good and bad coping skills to what is normal, and abnormal negatives. So one individual can't even comprehend what it is to feel anxiety past being anxious. I see it in my mom and daughter, but I had a different way to deal with it. I felt this wave creep up yesterday. I was lightly lamenting a few things, but it didn't seem like a trigger, but it felt like I was being invaded by a sad feeling. I was even asking myself and went over my prior thoughts. I did see an old pic of my son when he hung with me every second. That can instantly make me sad, but this crept in over an hour. So it wan't instant like a sad image, but a change. Again for environmental, this LE escape is far easier explained. A never rewarding parent can certainly cause us to seek that in another. I know I felt like a king, it was amazing.

To discover this in your dad is amazing. I've wondered if my LO's also were a protection from my inability to connect with my wife. An excuse as they were more perfect and she wasn't. It's complex and saddening.