Mother

[Idiotic]

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[JohnDeux]

... But i still feel trapped in how pathetic this whole thing is, theres no way out of being a Narcs child. Youre born guilty,it makes me sick sometimes... ...... And him, i feared him first, respected him out of "duty", but i dont know how to love him, or to even show the basic filial love i do have for him, cos he is my father and im not an unfeeling monster after all.... but there is no language between us.

This, and the entire thread really resonates. Parents in a similar situation although they are divorced many years now. Dad probably does not have more than a year or two at best and mom, still living in her home, is starting to decline more rapidly now. In my rural life I have time to observe a lot of animal life and how little interaction with parents occurs once adulthood is reached. Humans seem quite strange this way, although perhaps culture plays a large role...? This whole "obligation" thing, especially when one was just given enough crumbs (emotional along with nutritive) to survive on and, worse, often even given detrimental psycho-emotional attributes and outlooks before being pushed over the rim of the nest. For sure self-awareness is huge and hard-won achievement, but I can't imagine being a parent who treated their child badly....even if that parent now realizes in old age that they were just acting out their own childhood pathologies in that parenting role.....and having the nerve or gall to get irritated over lack of visitation, much less affection, by their children in their waning years. I guess for me, 'forgiveness' occurs along a sliding scale and on some level has to make some sense.....not being doled out just because one is a parent's offspring. Anyway, tough issues that I suspect many are dealing with along with their LEs. Compassion and understanding to all in this realm.....

[Cookie]

theres no way out of being a Narcs child. Youre born guilty

Well, here it is. The root exposed.

Part of me wishes I was as brave as my late brother, who cut off all contact with mom. But the guilt has kept me in the game. And I guess I'm still chasing a connection. My last visit with her featured an ugly fight for the first time ever. A showdown. But it's since made us closer.

[marko]

Well, we had to move her to assisted living. I feel I failed yet again. Failing all the humans in my life is what I do. In a way it makes NC easier as I'd ruin the LO as well. We housed her for about 90 days. I think if I could love, It would have put her at ease and she would have dealt with her anxiety of being a burden better. i'm too blocked to open past the services I provided. Her back got so bad (doc still thinks it was mostly mental) I watched her crawl to the toilet as to not have an accident, and after she squealed in pain telling me to call 911. She will get the attention and empathy she required where she is. She won't see my attempt to help her as much more than I abandoned her. I feel worse that I feel that she owes me something. She has lots of money and I feel like it should be mine. It almost feels like it's a subtle way to strike back and "get something" out of which also was how I was raised. I hate that transnational thinking and that I can't calm those thoughts right now. I see how people can rob their parents and think, wow, that almost sounds reasonable given all I been through. Rational sinks in and it seems a lot like the mind games of LE.

[John]

Aging parents is such a difficult thing to deal with. And I'm thinking that someday my daughters will have to deal with me.

[JohnDeux]

....It almost feels like it's a subtle way to strike back and "get something" out of which also was how I was raised.

Not my own original thought, but I'm convinced that assisted living/nursing home scratches so many subconscious itches.....not least of which is payback: "You stuffed me into a crib when I was at a 'difficult' age and now I will stuff you in the equivalent as you are in your last years or months..." 'Crib' here can mean many physical or metaphorical situations of confinement. But the reality as well, in this age of the nuclear family and the loss of tribes and extended families, is that a single household just seems ill-equipped in so many ways for end-of-life care. At any rate, given my own parent's lack of self-awareness, they have little idea where their sense of stoic independence ends ("I don't want to be a burden....") and their unreasonable demands for that 'family' they neglected to nurture begins ("Wouldn't it be fun to all be together one last time for Christmas!?..." Answer: Ummmm....NO!). I actually do have same-age friends for whom their affections for their family members, including parents, are not guilt-driven. I can be envious, but at the end of the day, we are dealt the hand we have before us.....and wring my hands less these days for the loss. Tough episode, marko.....continued support your way.

[Anna]

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[mamasita]

and their unreasonable demands for that 'family' they neglected to nurture begins ("Wouldn't it be fun to all be together one last time for Christmas!?..." Answer: Ummmm....NO!). I actually do have same-age friends for whom their affections for their family members, including parents, are not guilt-driven. I can be envious, but at the end of the day, we are dealt the hand we have before us.....and wring my hands less these days for the loss.

Glad I'm not the only one with the initial "Ummmm...NO!" feelings toward family of origin.

[marko]

If you read my early posts, I never connected any of this. I thought the opposite, but was covering for reality. I see me as immature and use humor to cover. So I don't build anything deep. Does that develop out of neglect or is it person by person and how I perceived it. My mom is very fearful and I sensed that all the time as well. I can't tell right now that what I feel is real. I'm pretty cold and distant to it. I'm good at pretending and I'm not sure how much I really feel. The LE extracts all those things very well, like it's the place I get to be a more honest me. At the same time I try and hide in it as it focuses away those thoughts. I'm having a hard time calling and wish I didn't have to visit. I'm more like--I hope my kids don't abandon me, I better visit to show them how it's done. I feel sorry for how things go, but it's like all things in me--self serving.

[AMA210]

If you read my early posts, I never connected any of this. I thought the opposite, but was covering for reality. I see me as immature and use humor to cover. So I don't build anything deep. Does that develop out of neglect or is it person by person and how I perceived it. My mom is very fearful and I sensed that all the time as well. I can't tell right now that what I feel is real. I'm pretty cold and distant to it. I'm good at pretending and I'm not sure how much I really feel. The LE extracts all those things very well, like it's the place I get to be a more honest me. At the same time I try and hide in it as it focuses away those thoughts. I'm having a hard time calling and wish I didn't have to visit. I'm more like--I hope my kids don't abandon me, I better visit to show them how it's done. I feel sorry for how things go, but it's like all things in me--self serving.

Thanks for this update, Marko.
I am in a similar situation also, not with a parent, but with a best friend with who I did a lot with, albeit 21 years worth. She is only 30 years older than myself. She went into rehab facility last July because she kept falling down and now she is in the assisted liviing/nursing area. She has declined mentally and is not the same person who I knew. She has Alzheimer's and dementia and not able to have a normal conversation with her for the past six months. It has been easier for me to deal with this by just avoiding calls to her, as she can't remember to call me, so I send greeting cards in the mail once a week to her. I haven't talked to her for three months even though she is in my thoughts, but it's like talking to a stranger. So, I do understand your position somewhat.