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New and looking for perspective

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
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mycorona
Posts: 259
Joined: Wed Aug 05, 2020 7:16 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: New and looking for perspective

Post by mycorona »

...Also, it may be stupid - and I don't want to sound like a martyr but this way at least he has what he wants. I mean to just see me and know I want him and it makes him happy, even if I lose out and can't have him. And in a strange way, I'm glad about that for him. I want him to be happy...
Me: F
LO: M
Both Married
“Invisible Threads are the Strongest Ties” ― Friedrich Nietzsche
itry
Posts: 122
Joined: Fri Dec 04, 2020 3:20 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: New and looking for perspective

Post by itry »

Hi All,

Ahhh! @mycorona you are truly my LOs twin sister! lol :)
He has exactly the same complaints with me that you have with your LO!

I am glad things went well with your LO and he wants to see you again on Monday.
You are getting his attention my darling, value it please! I know you don't see it as "getting his attention" on the contrary you see it as getting tortured by him!

But my dear ... ask someone who has been craving LO's attention for weeks without getting even so much as a crumb thrown her way!
So to answer your question... if my LO has been in touch or not.
Its confusing (as everything is... as far as limerence is concerned) - a yes and a no!

I got so d@mn tired of waiting for him to reach out, that I gave up and ended up asking SO to send him a message to check on him.

His reply came back to SO, saying that he is fine but too busy with work. That should have sufficed in a normal case. He really should have stopped there, but he threw in a secret coded message in the chat with SO ... which basically meant that he is missing me and will come over to our place soon!
That's what I got... this is how he is communicating with me now... as I said... not even a crumb but some sort of particle.
How am I to live on these particles! :(

Why can't he just message me directly OR cut the chord already? Why can't he drop a line and say - "How have you been?" OR just tell my SO he is busy with his life FULL STOP.
He has to say those other things .. that he will come over.. that he is missing me... and all in code language!
Forever dangling the carrot! :(

Spadge said ... "He may be having the same conflicting feelings you are. Too scared to approach it or raise it. Ultimately we never know what anyone else is thinking unless we ask."

I agree with Spadge on this 100%
mycorona, my dearest, please have mercy on your poor LO.
If you have felt the connection acknowledge it, trust it, have faith in your instinct, then think about the situation with that faith in mind.

Do you think he regularly shows up to see you doesnt count for anything?
Do you think he is just randomly asking to see more of you, on a whim? Do you think he doesnt crave to see you?
Do you think seeing you with your SO is easy for him?
What if the feeling of love he gets from you is all that is keeping him alive? Do you think that's impossible?

selkie you say
"I do think sometimes LOs can be drawn to the ego boost, it can feel good to have someone who likes you around..."
"Makes it hard b/c they end up getting hooked on the boost and send mixed signals so that you don't get over them - annoying for a regular person but torture for a limerant."
You are absolutely right, but like you said, we are all guilty of playing these games ourselves.
The ego boost they are getting could be seen as us narcissistic love bombing them from our side!
When did we approach our LOs and gently presented our hearts on a platter (which quite frankly is their property.. atleast as of now!)


mycorona, my dear... forget about what LO is or isnt giving you... please decide what you want, demand it and then... either ACCEPT whatever he is capable of offering you... or please sign his death warrant and release the poor guy once and for all out of his misery and make sure to go NC!
:(


PS:
Sorry guys if I have been sounding annoyed!!! Just not feeling good at all about whatever is going on between me and LO these days :(

What a curse this bl**dy limerence is!
mycorona
Posts: 259
Joined: Wed Aug 05, 2020 7:16 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: New and looking for perspective

Post by mycorona »

Yes itry, I get your points. I have begun to feel more empathy for him and am trying to give him what he wants, without any expectations from him. Which is basically for me to sit at his feet admiring him. Ok, I'll try it. I get nothing but thats starting to be ok with me. I'm sorry that he seems to need so little and don't know how he can live with just that. He must feel totally unloved or at least unappreciated. Anyway he has just let me get another year older right in front of him. Now I often spend my time with him wondering if he notices how much older I look.
But poor LO, I'm trying to think of him and not myself. Maybe my life is better than his, even though I feel so empty as I yearn for him so much-though he's killing that yearning day by day.

I'm so sorry yourLO is keeping his distance. Maybe he's trying to forget you. Dear itry if you don't want him to forget you then let him know without a shadow of a doubt. I know my LO feels I'm over him now and he doesn't want that. He loved being loved. But I have to protect myself, I cant have a relationship without a relationship! Maybe your LO is giving up on you. Think about it.
Last edited by mycorona on Sun Feb 07, 2021 12:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Me: F
LO: M
Both Married
“Invisible Threads are the Strongest Ties” ― Friedrich Nietzsche
mycorona
Posts: 259
Joined: Wed Aug 05, 2020 7:16 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: New and looking for perspective

Post by mycorona »

...and lastly on the NC. I would do that absolutely but I simply cant cut him out entirely as if I stop the usual days for meet up, he will often change the day to come. And I couldn't take his anger at me again. It was in danger of becoming noticable to others, including my SO.
The day I can really go NC I will immediately do it.
Me: F
LO: M
Both Married
“Invisible Threads are the Strongest Ties” ― Friedrich Nietzsche
Spadge100
Posts: 291
Joined: Sat Oct 24, 2020 10:02 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: New and looking for perspective

Post by Spadge100 »

Itry and mycorona

I really feel for you both not being able to go NC. It’s hard to see an end point for you without that which I know must be unbearable.

For me it was quite easy to go NC. We live hundreds of miles apart, only have a handful of mutual friends scattered over the country. On the flip side, it makes NC feel so final as we really have no need to be in each other’s lives, even though we both really wanted that to be case at one point.

But some connections have to be let go of for ones sanity, self-esteem and freedom to live in the present again.
itry
Posts: 122
Joined: Fri Dec 04, 2020 3:20 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: New and looking for perspective

Post by itry »

Hello All,

@mycorona, you are right LO is giving up on me! :( that's why I am so restless and feel like ... what's the point of my life!
I am trying to find ways of approaching him, but like I have always said in the past, he needs to show maturity and emotional stability for me to be able to feel safe in approaching him. There is also the matter of him learning to compromise, which I think he doesnt like to.
I understand your issues around NC my dear, it is sometimes logistically not possible for you I know.
But then please don't be so angry with him, it's better to have a way of seeing LO once in a while rather than longing for them from afar.

Which brings me to Spadge....

@Spadge
Thanks for your kind words. Yes, it is tough not having the option to go NC relatively easily, but like you said ... to have NC feel so final ... is also torture!

As to "...some connections have to be let go of for ones sanity, self-esteem and freedom to live in the present again."

Nothing about my life is sane if LO isn't in it!
Without him I am a dead person walking Spadge :(

That's how it feels to my limerent mind as of now.
Just trying to ride it out as best as I can, waiting for this madness to pass.

Sorry all, for sounding so morose and morbid. I know this is a temporary state, please bear with me.

Take care.
mycorona
Posts: 259
Joined: Wed Aug 05, 2020 7:16 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: New and looking for perspective

Post by mycorona »

Poor itry, I know the feeling when you said ....Nothing about my life is sane if LO isn't in it!
Without him I am a dead person walking Spadge...
. I really feel for you itry. Why don't you take a leap of faith and put your cards on the table, what's the worst that could happen? Surely he's not a big enough idiot to tell your SO about it so what's the worst that could happen? Believe me I know about embarrassment. I felt it for months after I showed my hand to LO. I felt I made such an error of judgement in thinking he fancied me too. With me older than him! But I did get over it. It happened. I made a fool of myself. And wonder of wonders life just went on!!! The world did not stop turning. You can withstand it. That embarrassment will fade into the past with time.

And things can change... the raging storm in your heart will eventually begin to calm. Like Nowords analogy to the snow globe, the confetti does begin to settle down. Nothing can stay at "crazy love" status indefinitely.
I truly felt what you said you feel for your LO. Thought my whole world would end without him in my life. Ached, cried, yearned until my heart broke in pieces and I thought it would never heal. I felt the world spin out from under me. I went a bit crazy, like all us limerents do with wanting. But slowly, slowly, reality has begun to dawn. I saw him this morning for coffee with his manfriend and my SO - his SO never comes. We chatted, and when we said our goodbyes, I noticed that I didn't feel that disappointed ache in my heart. - Well maybe a little bit but much less than usual. Have my expectations begun to change? I hope so. We are much more cooled down since my Christmas little talk with him. He has stopped acting crazy. He is always nice to me now, talks to me etc. To be honest, I felt pretty good today. I felt I gave him what he wanted, just to be in my company, to feel that a woman likes and wants him. And I was happy to give that to him. I have discovered that I want him to be happy, even if that means I don't get what I want. So what? Life makes you no promises. I tried to encourage him into my life but he declined. I'm learning to live with that. Is it time that has done it? - it's been almost a year? I don't know, but I feel if I gaze far enough ahead of me I can see the dawning of a small light. I find I'm glad I still see him and that he's no longer angry with me about my LC. I had no idea my going LC would cause him such upset. I hoped it would push him into seeking me out but it didn't, it just made him blame me for keeping my distance. I honestly think he doesn't realise that he could have come looking for me, he doesn't see things that way. He just needs me to do the turning up for him. Anyway, just wanted to put in this small update for those of you who follow the ups and downs.
Hopefully, I wont have too many more bad days and this new feeling will become more the norm for me.
Spadge, you are so kind hearted to feel for itry and I not being able to go NC. I know it's hard for you but you do see it as the only way. Me too, and though I have accepted the contact with my LO for now, I will jump at the chance of NC as soon as its possible for me to do it.

...edited to add Bob Dylan's words...

I see my light come shining
From the west unto the east
Any day now, any day now
I shall be released
Me: F
LO: M
Both Married
“Invisible Threads are the Strongest Ties” ― Friedrich Nietzsche
selkie354
Posts: 155
Joined: Fri Jan 22, 2021 5:17 pm
Canada

Re: New and looking for perspective

Post by selkie354 »

I think your thinking about it all sounds much healthier mycorona. Part of the problem with limerence is we put so much weight on things. I think regular people can just be attracted to someone enjoy their company and leave it at that.

Sorry to hear you are feeling down itry, hopefully these feeligns will help you move on a bit though.

Spadge is interesting the pain and finality of NC vs the slow burn of LC. Hard to say which is best I don't necessarily think one size fits all always works, it might depend on what triggers the person. I think in your case it makes the most sense to do NC bc of the confirmed nature of things and the immediate danger. For me I really did feel that continual mundane contact with my LO helped me think clearer and reduced limerence. Then I didn't constantly think about when I would see him next. Also in person tended to reduce the attraction both physically and mentally (my imagination when we are separated just loves to fill things in with more desirable qualities). This also might depend a lot on what attracts one to their LO if it is more physical it may make things harder (if just seeing them sets you off) I had that with my first LO and we were LC for a bit after and it was mostly fine(circumstantially NC now), I'm not sure how I'd handle being around him now though, not sure I want to find out.
itry
Posts: 122
Joined: Fri Dec 04, 2020 3:20 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: New and looking for perspective

Post by itry »

Hi All,

@mycorona, thanks for understanding, I know you not only admire but also love your LO, you feel affection for him, and it's a shame that he doesn't value your love which is the purest feeling on this earth and anyone should be lucky to have that soulful-connection with another human being... but seems like your LO only cares about "admiration" part of it. He really doesn't know what he is missing! But I am glad you are coming to terms with it.
Good luck!

Trust me, up until last evening I wanted nothing more than to contact LO and offer my friendship and sincere feelings.
But things have suddenly gone pear shaped I am sorry to report :(

I read something on social media, LO is saying to one of his ex girlfriends, which has made me rethink everything about him.
I am beginning to realise my LO is not after all that innocent adorable pet that I thought he was. I used to think he is attracted to me, but the fact is he realises that I am attracted to him and just plays games with me.
You see so many men and women on this forum. Everyone seems so broken and fragile... hearts aching with so much love for their LOs, you feel sorry for every person you meet and you know these are good people... but I have come to realise that LO is not one of us!

All that indication he gave about missing me etc. was fake! He doesn't feel love for anyone... he doesn't miss me, he doesn't need support, care, affection from another person, he doesn't need anybody, he is too busy having a really good time playing games.

When I first saw his message to his ex, I felt stunned and hurt and annoyed and felt every possible negative emotion internally because I was made fool of... but slowly I am moving on... just accepting that in the bigger scheme of things I am nothing.
mamasita
Posts: 1109
Joined: Wed Oct 11, 2017 10:27 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Re: New and looking for perspective

Post by mamasita »

itry wrote: Mon Feb 08, 2021 4:44 pm

I read something on social media, LO is saying to one of his ex girlfriends, which has made me rethink everything about him.
I am beginning to realise my LO is not after all that innocent adorable pet that I thought he was. I used to think he is attracted to me, but the fact is he realises that I am attracted to him and just plays games with me.
You see so many men and women on this forum. Everyone seems so broken and fragile... hearts aching with so much love for their LOs, you feel sorry for every person you meet and you know these are good people... but I have come to realise that LO is not one of us!

All that indication he gave about missing me etc. was fake! He doesn't feel love for anyone... he doesn't miss me, he doesn't need support, care, affection from another person, he doesn't need anybody, he is too busy having a really good time playing games.

When I first saw his message to his ex, I felt stunned and hurt and annoyed and felt every possible negative emotion internally because I was made fool of... but slowly I am moving on... just accepting that in the bigger scheme of things I am nothing.
Don't be too hard on yourself. It's in those moments (I had them too, similar to yours) that you have the opportunity to get out of the "clouds" of limerence and you can see the reality. Limerence is a big distraction and our minds create all sorts of beliefs and happy feelings around this person. Moving on often has to come with little bits of painful reality. Try NOT to creep into self-criticism or shame, as this is typically "our" (limerent subjects) cycle. Stop the cycle. You wanted a person to reciprocate a very deep love. There's nothing wrong with that. Now think of a few ways you can show YOU that you are loveable and cared for. LO can't and won't do it. But you still deserve every bit of love that is out here!
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