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New and looking for perspective

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
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Spadge100
Posts: 291
Joined: Sat Oct 24, 2020 10:02 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: New and looking for perspective

Post by Spadge100 »

Hi @itry

Sorry to hear that and as mamasita says, it’s all part of the painful cycle. Only by removing yourself from the cycle can you break free from the painful feelings. I know you aren’t a big fan of NC but is that just because you are not ready to let go of the idea of LO? An addict rationalises any contact as they aren’t yet fully committed to being free of the addiction.

no-one should have to endure the pain of limerence but ultimately if it’s not meant to be then it’s not meant to be and no amount of forcing the situation can help. It will only frustrate and leave you wanting more.

Love to me builds over time and only occurs when you really know someone, trust them, and have built a life together. It needs nurturing and shouldn’t be taken for granted.

We feel the glimmer and hope that more can come from it. Can limerence turn into romantic love? Yes absolutely if both parties are free to be together. If not then I see it as nothing more than a debilitating condition, fuelled by our own fantasies and beliefs. Extreme infatuation yes, but love no. In my case it’s completely irrational to believe I could love someone after seeing them twice. Was\am I infatuated with the idea of them? Absolutely but it’s not true love I feel, regardless of how it feels at times.

Stay strong 💪
mycorona
Posts: 259
Joined: Wed Aug 05, 2020 7:16 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: New and looking for perspective

Post by mycorona »

So sorry to hear that itry. What was it he said? I don't mean to pry and dont answer that if you don't want to but could you have taken it the wrong way, maybe being too sensitive to reading things into what he says?. And just because he said something to an ex-girlfriend, doesn't mean he feels that way about you.

If it is all as you thought, then as others have said be thankful that he has shown you his "true colours". That doesn't help now, when you are still hurting and probably still angry but in time it will help you to recover and don't we all know just how long a journey that is.

Keep strong.
Me: F
LO: M
Both Married
“Invisible Threads are the Strongest Ties” ― Friedrich Nietzsche
selkie354
Posts: 155
Joined: Fri Jan 22, 2021 5:17 pm
Canada

Re: New and looking for perspective

Post by selkie354 »

They say a big thing that feeds limerence is the unpredictability. The unpredictability is something all our LOs have in common, sometimes it might b/c they are limerant themselves and fighting it, sometimes it may be they enjoy playing games and/or getting the ego boost, sometimes it can be underlying issues or a personality disorder that make them behave erratically. It can be really hard to see which one it is in the middle of it. Having been through it twice before I can identify what it was behind those LOs (1 in it for the ego boost, 1 with borderline personality disorder). Of course I can't see it clearly with this LO yet, but I know eventually I will be able to get past it and realize what is truly behind it - just hope it doesn't do much damage in the meantime. The revelations can be painful but the clarity that comes after can set us free. Good luck everyone!
itry
Posts: 122
Joined: Fri Dec 04, 2020 3:20 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: New and looking for perspective

Post by itry »

Hi All,

mamasita, thanks for your kind words. Yes, I am looking at this as a blessing, like you said.. opportunity to get out of clouds of limerence!


Spadge, thanks so much. I know you understand. I see what you mean when you say "Extreme infatuation yes, but love no." , I suppose what I am trying to say is that whatever it is that we limerents feel towards our LOs is pure and to some extent innocent.
You might be right there when you say I am not accepting the idea of NC in order to rationalise my addiction, but my objection to NC stems from another reason (but then it could be my limerence talking, so not sure).
To me NC feels like - removing yourself from the problem - which is not same as removing the problem from yourself.
You see, the idea that I have to completely ignore an object in order to control my own urges towards the object feels like an utter defeat! As if I don't have free will! No control on myself.
For example, let's imagine I am addicted to chocolate (hypothetically), then my idea of recovery can not be "living in a chocolate free world"... that doesn't feel like a real recovery to me. A real recovery is when the chocolate presents itself to me on a plate and yet I choose not to indulge in it.
That's recovery!
NC feels like an extreme reaction to me, not a cure! (So sorry to all reading who are trying NC and have seen benefits of NC, please don't pay attention to me and continue No Contact, a lot of people see benefit in it)
As you said Spadge, this could be my mind trying to rationalize the addiction.

Having said so much against NC, the truth is, I have been NC with LO for months!
I have not directly messaged him in ages. The last contact was a slip for which I used SO to make contact.
So the fact is that I am constantly ignoring direct contact with LO, but I am more restless than ever.

mycorona,
Thanks for your words.
Can't write his exact words here but basically through his comment LO is showing clear interest and attraction towards this ex.
Now, this particular ex has a bit of a "history" with him. LO has always said that she is the worse thing that happened to him, he hated her so much that he never wanted to see her again, she ruined so many of his years etc. this woman was basically her biggest enemy! I always felt sympathy for him for having gone through such a rough relationship. But now I feel like he just gained my sympathy on false grounds.

selkie you are right, let's hope the clarity can set us free

Thanks all. I appreciate you commenting.
Spadge100
Posts: 291
Joined: Sat Oct 24, 2020 10:02 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: New and looking for perspective

Post by Spadge100 »

Hi Itry

That’s a very interesting analogy and yes I guess ultimate freedom does come from being able to be around them and not be filled with crazy limerent thoughts. It’s a risky tightrope as unlike other addictions, it’s hard to get the type of time together that can ultimately release the limerence. Apparently consummation can remove limerence. Sounds counterintuitive really, getting the final “prize”. But limerence I think runs deeper than that so I can imagine if an EA progresses to a PA with all the same barriers then this would simply intensify it. Fine if you are both free to exercise your feelings but impossible to get real together time if barriers are in place.

As a recovering gambling addict, I can quite happily see a gaming machine and not put money in it. Am I cured? I’m not sure an addict is ever cured, you just choose not to do that behaviour each time you are presented with the option. Much as a recovering alcoholic can often be around people who drink but usually only after a period of abstinence.

For me NC is always that choice, it just happens hundreds of times a day. Each day is a conscious decision not to give in. I am in the abstinence phase where I have to not expose myself to my drug of choice, LO. Maybe in time I could be exposed and not feel the same feelings. But I think I can’t ever take that risk as the addiction is a lot harder to beat than any addiction I have known.

As mycorona says, use it as ammunition to knock him off that pedestal. Think of it like the worst hangover you have had or what it’s like to walk out of a casino thousands of pounds lighter. It’s just the brain playing cruel tricks on us to get it’s perceived pleasure fix and when it doesn’t it’s a bloody minded angry toddler!!

If it is person addiction, then you aren’t giving up on all people, just the one that has the power to hijack your thoughts and feelings without knowing it.

But everyone’s situation is different and I guess there is no completely fool proof method. If there was we wouldn’t need this forum 😃
mycorona
Posts: 259
Joined: Wed Aug 05, 2020 7:16 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: New and looking for perspective

Post by mycorona »

Itry
I see where you're coming from. It hurts to see their attraction to someone else. Hurts like a bitch! I don't know what to say to you except if you still want him then wait, it will come around again. I understand that you believed him when he said she was the worst thing that ever happened to him. But try to forgive him, maybe he wanted that to be true but the heart pull is a strange beast. We can't control it. Us limerents know that so well.
Spadge. I see both sides of NC. Itry makes good sense and so do you.
For me, like you, NC would be the best thing, I know that but right now it's not possible, but one day!
Keep going all of you, there are many paths to enlightenment...
Me: F
LO: M
Both Married
“Invisible Threads are the Strongest Ties” ― Friedrich Nietzsche
selkie354
Posts: 155
Joined: Fri Jan 22, 2021 5:17 pm
Canada

Re: New and looking for perspective

Post by selkie354 »

Been a little while since my last update here.

Still LC there were some ups and downs but none as extreme as the ones before I joined here. Getting the additional perspective here has really helped. So far haven't gotten to a troubling high, or super low, which is a big thing as those are so destructive.

I mentioned that I told LO I would get in touch with him about something last time. I put it off until I felt I had my feelings in control. They have been more in control, and I have finally finished up at my toxic job so I decided to just get it over with this week. I also waited until after I ovulated (I know b/c the day after I get really bitchy - SO is extra irritating). I do find I'm less likely to read into things and get into a high, when I am in this phase of my cycle. Anyways so yesterday I messaged about the relevant thing. I am proud of myself that I didn't go too crazy waiting for his reply, only a handful of checks and I didn't even need to go for a walk just occupied myself around the house. He got back to me in a bit over an hour, he seemed happy to hear from me (he seems to like to help people and be needed) but we kept it on topic and I didn't drag it out, or get off topic. All in all seems to have not set me off, which is encouraging. I have realized that while he may like me to some extent, he does not seem to want to pursue me, it helps to know that he won't do this and not waiting for it or looking for signs for it helps. Still no idea what the future holds and I have more work to do on myself and my primary relationship, but at least I feel I am making progress.
selkie354
Posts: 155
Joined: Fri Jan 22, 2021 5:17 pm
Canada

Re: New and looking for perspective

Post by selkie354 »

LC definitely not easy going.

Initially I thought LO might have just forgotten about me with my LC. But it seems that was not the case. While I was not reaching out he pretty much stopped messaging, except for one time. However, upon reinitiating contact, he seems quite eager to get back to where we were, with joking around, frequent messaging. Of course this makes things harder. He does seem to have some interest in me, but he also isn't escalating it to an inappropriate level just friendly. I guess my ego is a bit validated but now I am more confused about what I want. If I am being truly honest I can't entirely rule out something with LO - I just don't know enough what I am getting into - there is such a pull there. I know it is most likely that we aren't really meant for each other its just that little nagging bit of doubt. I am going to try to refocus more on my husband in the meantime, I am hoping if I can strengthen my marriage I'll start to see LO in a more realistic light. This is tough.
selkie354
Posts: 155
Joined: Fri Jan 22, 2021 5:17 pm
Canada

Re: New and looking for perspective

Post by selkie354 »

Well in another exciting turn of events my LO now seems annoyed at me. He went from seeming overexcited to communicate to pushing me away. He signed off our last thread with...

'Best of luck!'

Aka f off. No idea what i did, I reread the thread and I think everything I wrote was pretty innocuous. I have been trying to keep things less personal, wonder if he picks up on it. I suspect he's likely upset about something else possibly my earlier NC/LC. Possible he is just having a crap day, but he does seem careful about wording so I am guessing he truly wants me to go away :/
This is the shit that I hate to say I get caught in, the push/pull the hot/cold. We barely know each other but yet somehow have this mini drama. If he would just stay cold I would be cured. Of course he won't I know this. He'll be back. Until then I am going to stop reaching out.
mamasita
Posts: 1109
Joined: Wed Oct 11, 2017 10:27 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Re: New and looking for perspective

Post by mamasita »

selkie
I am sorry, I have been where you are. So many lingering questions but asking them will defeat the purpose of getting this person out of your head. And you are right, the hot/cold is a HUGE part of this, it keeps you escalated and anxious, not quite knowing when the LO feelings will hit again. Stay strong. Keep pushing forward through the painful days, and the peaceful ones will increase.
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