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New and looking for perspective

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
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selkie354
Posts: 155
Joined: Fri Jan 22, 2021 5:17 pm
Canada

Re: New and looking for perspective

Post by selkie354 »

Thanks mamasita,

In a way I can take this as a great indicator of what kind of long term companion my LO would be. It would not be smooth sailing that is for sure. With my blunt nature and his moodiness there would be plenty of 'turbulence' and it would definitely stop being fun and exciting at some point, unfortunately now if I am honest it is somewhat exciting, sigh.
mamasita
Posts: 1109
Joined: Wed Oct 11, 2017 10:27 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Re: New and looking for perspective

Post by mamasita »

I totally agree. Logically I know and see that LO is childish, immature, self-centered, inappropriate and we would have conflict in a real relationship. I've justified it by saying I just want a part time relationship, not all the time. While I still want him and the excitement I felt early on, I know that his rejection of me is the best for everyone involved. I can't deny it, I just want to.
selkie354
Posts: 155
Joined: Fri Jan 22, 2021 5:17 pm
Canada

Re: New and looking for perspective

Post by selkie354 »

Well... I have come to realize a few things. My little experiment at attempted (remote) contact did not go well. There was something there, no idea what the hell it was, but things aren't neutral between us and he does respond to me in some way. When he reacted to me I responded in turn. This latest "high" wasn't really a high at all but I felt this low, not as bad as the one that got me to sign up here but I still felt it.

One confession...I had all my rules and one of them was about checking an app. I broke it while things were rough at my job, I just needed that little extra outlet. It was fairly innocuous for a while. With what happened the last few days I realized how negative checking this could be for me. I kept going to it looking for more signs from him. Is he mad at me or mad at the world? Anyways yesterday I recognized how hard this was on me and I am resolved to restart up all my rules again, won't be messaging either. Will see how it goes. Already feel better.
mycorona
Posts: 259
Joined: Wed Aug 05, 2020 7:16 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: New and looking for perspective

Post by mycorona »

Oh the hot and cold! The confusion! The trying desperately to "get" LO! What makes LO tick?
What is he trying to tell me? Is he being subtle in his attraction to me or does he really not care very much at all? The willingness to always make exceptions for LO! The longing to understand them and be understood a little in return........ I know it all. I wrote about it here - endlessly. I could have written your last couple of posts Selkie. For me anyway, nothing ever became any clearer. I still do not understand how he thinks or feels. But I am starting to not really care. I am beginning to understand that if he truly cared for me in any little way at all, he wouldn't want to confuse me like this. He would want to give me something - even some small show of affection to keep me. Not just hot, then cold, then indifferent, then interested again. If he cared, he would be afraid to lose me. I have to face that fact. He isn't afraid to lose me - he was angry at my going LC but still he didn't try to seek me out. So he was prepared to let me go. He simply didn't care enough to seek me out and ask me why I had left. He waited till he saw me again and then showed me his anger. And I've given in to him because I couldn't bear his anger and resumed contact. But I'm waiting for deliverance when I can go fully NC. And someday I will.

Its a rollercoaster until you stop the ride and just get off. Then slowly, you stop wanting to get back up on that ride again. Anger with LO is good. But indifference is the best and what we must aim for. When we reach indifference (and I'm not there yet), that's where freedom lies.

Good luck selkie.
Me: F
LO: M
Both Married
“Invisible Threads are the Strongest Ties” ― Friedrich Nietzsche
selkie354
Posts: 155
Joined: Fri Jan 22, 2021 5:17 pm
Canada

Re: New and looking for perspective

Post by selkie354 »

Thanks mycorona.

There certainly a lot of parallels in our stories and LOs. This morning I realized I need to take a full break from the app, not look at all, post nothing. My other friends will understand, they will probably just think I lost my phone or something. In a way it is telling LO that he affected me he hurt me, what he will do with that who knows, I suspect he wants a break from me as well. Of course if this is really all in my head and he has been indifferent to me the whole time then he won't even notice so no issue there! Once I made this choice, I swear it feels like I am on vacation, such freedom! No more worrying about how I present myself, no more wondering what he is doing what he is thinking. I needed this break and I am doing it for me.

I also finally summoned the courage to tell my husband about things that have been bothering me. Our conversations never go well, so I just put my thoughts in an email and sent, that way he can process it while he is away from me and then come back to me when he is ready. This strategy has worked in past conflicts so hopefully it will help here. Proud of myself for putting the focus where it matters. Found some courage today at least.

Hope everyone else is hanging in there.
Spadge100
Posts: 291
Joined: Sat Oct 24, 2020 10:02 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: New and looking for perspective

Post by Spadge100 »

Hi Selkie

Well done for taking positive steps. It is liberating to step away from a behaviour that is detrimental to your well-being. It’s hard to stick to as that damn pesky brain likes it’s fixes but persevere.

It’s a really good thing to address things with SO. I find that has really helped reduce down the limerence as it’s really focussing on the issue at hand and will hopefully make us a lot stronger than ever so something positive can come from this whole episode.

Good for you 😃
selkie354
Posts: 155
Joined: Fri Jan 22, 2021 5:17 pm
Canada

Re: New and looking for perspective

Post by selkie354 »

Thanks Spadge.

It helps when you finally realize the behavior makes you feel bad way more than it makes you feel good.

I think I am finally starting to put together the pieces of why I was vulnerable to this episode. Problem is there are no easy fixes. My career was part of it, leaving my job was not easy but it needed to be done. Still have to figure out the rebuild on that one...

At this point I don't know what the future of my marriage is but I need to try to put in the work to try and figure it out with SO. He likes to ignore problems and I guess I just used my anger at that as justification for falling for someone else, when really I should have tried harder to address things. It's not easy especially with a partner that is not very in touch with his emotions. But still I married him and I owe it to him to try and make it work and figure it out. If we can't make it work, I owe it to him to figure that out too, and end it properly and not by having an affair. Again no easy answers...
selkie354
Posts: 155
Joined: Fri Jan 22, 2021 5:17 pm
Canada

Re: New and looking for perspective

Post by selkie354 »

Well now I am here on the other side of NC...

it sucks. On the one hand I guess I know he notices/cares about my behavior. When you do NC you have a sense of control, I am not going to let you give me feelings. But now I am stuck, being punished. I know he cares yet he doesn't want anything to do with me. This kind of reminds me of being in a teenage relationship. I have had to stop listening to music, it was setting me off. Our latest "incident" has set my emotions from shock>sadness>anger>euphoria>calmness - the euphoria makes no sense - I think it had to do with knowing he felt something. Of course this does not precipitate a happy relationship in any way. In a way I am attracted to this antagonism. The mutual inflicting of pain, feels like love lol.
selkie354
Posts: 155
Joined: Fri Jan 22, 2021 5:17 pm
Canada

Re: New and looking for perspective

Post by selkie354 »

Took another step today: Muted LO on our shared SM app. (Previously I liked everyhting from everyone on the app to avoid overthinking, I established this before adding LO I continued to do this during LC to not alert him to a behavior change). This is better I no longer see what he does, and he doesn't see an unfollow so nothing to explain, he isn't liking my stuff so he has no right to ask why I stopped liking his. It is pretty clear he doesn't want to interact with me. I don't know why. Nothing ever really even happened. I don't think I was rude, but its possible, if that's it he crazy overreacted. I think it is possible he may have feelings as well that he is trying to shut down. I have confirmed that his behavior change is only targeted at me. To find out why he is upset with me will just escalate it and that is good for neither of us. Part of me really wants to know in the event that is romantic feelings for me, I even wrote a stupid text asking why, fortunately I did not send. Ultimately it doesn't matter why he is rejecting me, just that: he is rejecting me. At least I can say that now. Grieving can start.

A few complications are that we are likely to need to be in touch about a certain matter at some point, depending on the health regulations. No idea when that will be but it will force us to be in contact. We also have mutual friends. I think it is inevitable that we will bump into each other in the summer with our shared hobby. I don't want to give up the hobby and the friends. So I'll need to be prepared for that. Hopefully with this solid dual sided NC I'll find some strength before then to deal with it. But still a bit of a minefield ahead.

Man this sucks, it is like we skipped all the fun parts of a relationship and went straight to the part where we hate each other. We never even really flirted, just started to feel that spark a bit. Why does my brain get me into this crap?
Spadge100
Posts: 291
Joined: Sat Oct 24, 2020 10:02 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: New and looking for perspective

Post by Spadge100 »

Good luck Selkie. There is always this forum to rant to if and when NC becomes difficult. It definitely does get easier but takes time. What feels like way too much time but it does get easier.

If you are going to have to see him I would recommend trying to really focus on and perhaps journal the negative aspects and feelings that you have felt. Then maybe reread them before you know you may see him again. I know if I saw my LO again all the shit feelings would dissolve away too quickly and the rose tinted glasses would be on straight away again. Either that or I would be repulsed by her and beat myself up for ever wasting so much time and energy on thinking about her! I have pages and pages that I sometimes reread to see how far I have come if I’m feeling particularly limerent.

I think so much of it is the missing of the feeling rather than the person. Much like any addiction you miss how it made you feel when it was good and fun. An alcoholic doesn’t love the taste of alcohol, but they love the escapism that it brings. A gambler doesn’t love the fruit machine but is addicted to the feeling of anticipation it brings.

As a recovering gambling addict, I see LO as my fruit machine. All shiny and twinkly and full of promise but any time spent is ultimately a waste of time and effort and leaves you feeling shit afterwards so it’s best to just avoid it completely.

Good luck
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