New and looking for perspective

[selkie354]

Hello, I am new here. I am in my mid thirties married and in the midst of LE#3. Just now starting to realize what is actually happening to me in my brain and how truly destructive this is. With the knowledge I have gained reading about this I have gained a lot of perspective on what was really happening with LE#1 & 2 and what it was that was feeding me with those LOs. I now also recognize I have felt multiple glimmers over the years and also likely been an LO for others due to my dysfunctional relationship tendencies and unpredictability.

Anyways on to the current situation:

Once again finding myself crushing hard. I am going through a lot of things in my life right now and in many ways struggling to find a new identity for myself. I’m coming to grips with being infertile and likely child-free, I am realizing my job which in the past I had put so much of my heart and soul into is really not as rewarding and satisfying as I made it out to be. I am yearning to feel passion again for something, anything. So the problem is, of course, a guy. I met him last summer pursuing a new hobby which is one of the bright spots in my currently frustrating life. He has a lot of traits that I admire and we share a passion for this hobby. When I met him I did not find him physically attractive, however I found myself wanting his approval and some kind of friendship/connection with him. Initially he seemed very guarded around me and didn’t pay much attention to me at all. I felt a need to prove myself to him and win him over. At some point he seemed to notice me, and started to reach out to me a little bit. Then one night we were out with a group having drinks and I just felt his eyes on me as I talked about my life. He offered me a ride home, I just felt this tension between us as we were walking to the car, during the ride we chatted and things just flowed, I felt heard. After that night, I wouldn’t see him again for a while but I just couldn’t stop thinking about him, I was initially in denial of my attraction because I didn’t find him physically appealing so I kept dismissing my feelings. I convinced myself that I just wanted to be his friend and I fantasized about being around him and having this close friendship with him. Whenever I thought of anything interesting or clever I would imagine myself telling him about it.

Then things got busier for both of us and we would see each other off and on. We continued to have some limited contact during this time but it was pretty mundane. He didn't display much interest and he wasn't really attractive to me so my feelings died down. Then fast forward a few months to the start of spring and I see him again, however this time for whatever reason I started to feel a physical attraction to him, at one point we locked eyes and things kind of came back for me: I found myself looking at his body and appreciating it even though it wasn’t what I am normally attracted to. I finally had to admit to myself that I was attracted to him. Then covid hit and I wouldn’t be seeing him or anyone really for a long time. My mind kind of went crazy with everything. I strongly wanted to be in contact with him. I reached out to him about our shared hobby, and he was mostly unresponsive. This sent me on a crazy downward spiral of thinking. I thought about him obsessively and was in actual agony over his lack of communication. He came back into contact when the restrictions loosened up, and he once again seemed a bit guarded around me, and again seeing him in person and having mundane interactions again helped me put my feelings back in control. But of course I stupidly went after that guard again...

Trying to impress him with various accomplishments in our shared hobby, trying to make him laugh. I wore him down and started to make inroads, started to gain his respect, started to pique his interest. At first I felt finally like I could redirect things to a friendship which was what I initially wanted. If we could be good friends then the threat of a soul destroying affair would vanish right? Then we once again due to the second wave we would not see each other in person for a few months. However now he appeared to maintain an interest in me and what I was doing and stayed in touch with me. Then at one point we bumped into each other when I was out with other mutual friends and he seemed to gravitate to me and be happy to see me. He mentioned looking forward to an event where we would see each other again the next week. When I saw him at this event he once again seemed drawn to me, I also noticed he had just gotten a haircut and was just looking better than usual. I of course delighted in this and the feelings started to come back. Then once again the covid restrictions came back and we continue to be physically separated. Now we remain in touch and he continues to show intermittent interest in me.

I cannot stop thinking about him. I know he is not right for me and even if there were no barriers a relationship between us would not work out. We are both passionate people, we both like being in control. I am sure if we were to get together he would be controlling and I would rebel and this would lead to terrible fighting and frustration. The problem is I know that before this things would probably be very passionate and intense. I just know the sex would be good. It’s terrible. I love my husband but we have never really had that intense passion, except for a short period of time at the beginning of our relationship. My husband is very stable and supportive, he is good for me in that he calms me down and talks me off ledges and he mostly lets me take the lead which I need. I try to increase our passion but he isn’t that adventurous sexually, I know there are experiences I am missing out on. He seems satisfied without these. It is hard to want this other man so badly when I know only bad things can come of it. Acting on this could destroy both of our relationships and reputations. I feel I have only crossed lines in my head, in person I try very hard to keep all interactions with him above board. Though I am sure my feelings have slipped out here and there in subtle ways. I am now trying to set rules for myself to keep our interactions limited and uncharged. Full NC will be hard, currently trying to fade things out by reducing interactions and intensity, I changed my social media notifications so I will not constantly see the likes. I think I now realize a friendship is not possible. It remains to be seen how he will react to LC, just started this week with my rules. In this state I have no idea where his head is at, at this point I am pretty sure he is at the very least physically attracted to me, and he is at least on some level "playing games". What I can't figure out right now is if he is just a guy with mostly good intentions that has some baggage (like me) and can get caught up in things or if he is actively manipulating me. I can definitely see some signs of brokenness in him, moodiness and unpredictability, as well as an ego and insecurities, but at the same time he has long term friendships with people I consider very kind and good. I feel like if he is a mostly good person he will respect my attempt to fade things out between us with possibly some slip ups along the way, if he responds to LC by actively pursuing me that should be a red flag that he might be more malicious than I previously thought. The idea of him being a bad person, makes me respond with anger reawakening the hurt from past relationships, I'm not sure it diminishes the attraction though. Guessing the answer is probably somewhere in the middle... this is hard.

[JupiterTaco]

My only answer that'll help you any right now, is to think about how it's making you feel? All of the questions and conflicting feelings seem like it's giving you the answer you need most. Everything else can come to you later.

[Hurt SO]

Incredible post,it is exactly the same as my wifes case.This is precisely what I'm looking for.
I don't know where to start.
My W,is going to a psichologist.She tell me that she is in the 50's crisis.
She is improving little by little.But I'm suffering a lot for the consequences of his limerence towards our relationship.
Sometimes she's happy with me,and suddenly she seems to hate me ,without any reason.
What do You feel for your husband, In each phase ?
Thank You,good luck,and patient,it will take time.

[Hurt SO]

The covids quarentines are the perfect ingredients for developing limerence,absolutely devastating.
I read about insane relationships,in academic pages.And the explanation of the origin of L ,or similars, is the reproductive and raising children cycle,that's why it can last decades.It's a primitival instinct to make the especies endure....so simple and complicated at the same time.

[selkie354]

@JupiterTaco
Right now it's making me feel like shit. I started my LC this weekend, after a roller coaster of intense euphoria followed by an intense depressive episode triggered by some innocuous contact last week. This scared me into taking this seriously. With LC first few days very tough, now I think I am more bored than truly upset really want to break my rules. Hard to focus on anything else, definitely want to get my fix again. How he makes me feel that can vary from day to day, I can convince myself to be angry at his inconsistent behavior and poor boundaries but not sure if that will help out not.

@HurtSO. Sorry you are going through this. Hopefully my perspective can help you understand a bit. I love my husband, a lot. I don't love this other guy, I don't even really know him, it really is very bizarre. When I lie in our bed I ask would I like them to switch places and I know I truly would not. My husband is much better for me and he treats me well, already I suspect LO would not. My love for him has not wavered throughout this that is why I am seeking help here instead of trying to further things with LO. The thing with limerence is there is so much on my mind, I have so much to process. I feel I need alone time to think through it. When my husband infringes when I am trying to think I can get annoyed and snap. The main thing my husband could do better is give me space when I want it and be a better listener when I want to talk. I think it is a very good sign your wife is taking this seriously and seeking help. The main reason we want help is not to hurt our partner otherwise we would just go for it.

I totally feel covid and quarantine has greatly exacerbated this for me. For me I felt I had things mostly under control seeing LO in person regularly. When I don't see him I fall into the fantasy.

[IvB]

Selkie, very very similar to my own LE, except I know my LO reciprocates, though I don't know to what extent. You are right, it would only bring bad things but that knowledge doesn't make the pain less. All I can advise is to try LC/NC and I can tell you that it gets easier with every day you manage. Sometimes you slip but then you start again and at some point it kind of breaks and you realize you feel better without the contact. Concentrate on self development and hobbies and things you enjoy. It takes time though.

[selkie354]

Appreciate everyone who has commented. Really helps to talk to people who understand this. I remember telling friends about LE#1, would just see them cringe and be like "that sounds bad, don't do that".

IvB Will look into your story. Helps to know others have similar triggers. This advice all makes sense. I have had 2 episodes in the past and managed to get over them, the first one (worst so far) faded after I finally felt rejected and moved on with someone else, he kind of stayed in the background as a friend and then it faded and we ultimately moved away from each other. The second one I kind of snapped out of after my husband and I addressed some of our relationship and intimacy issues (that one was a much simpler dynamic - also a less appealing LO). I have dug up some painful childhood and past relationship stuff, not exactly fun but hopefully it will help. I can see the NC/LC getting easier my feelings don't seem as strong today. As for things that I enjoy the problem is the two main ones are shared with him (I enjoyed them before meeting him - so they aren't caused by this) but diving deeper into them can grab his attention. Guess I should work on finding something else.

Spadge Thanks for the kind words. Glad to hear NC/LC is working for you. I will look into that blog. I can see what you mean about guilt for the thoughts, we really can't control those. Thats why I am trying to set up rules for myself with contact and things that draw his attention so I have black and white things to focus on. I either text him or I don't. I definitely feel I emerged stronger from my last 2 episodes, but it was only after quite a bit of pain and making some harsh but necessary changes.

[mycorona]

@selkie
Whenever I thought of anything interesting or clever I would imagine myself telling him about it.

Ah yes, welcome to the club.
It remains to be seen how he will react to LC, just started this week with my rules.
Just to be aware that you can't predict your LO's reaction. Read my story on "I Made a Mistake". Just for your own info.
It's so much better to go fully NC. Low contact is a bit like smoking and trying to cut down - you just long for that cigarette.
Don't beat yourself up over loving your SO and longing for your LO! We're all in the same boat. What you need to realise is it's an addiction. If you read around here, you'll soon come to the conclusion that our stories are pretty much the same. There is much pain, much longing, and very little satisfaction as our LO's seldom reciprocate which is what we long for so much.
Good luck selkie. Better days ahead and keep posting.
Hi Spadge, good to see you
Hi IvB
And a shout out to Nowords and itry. Hope you all ok.

[selkie354]

Thanks mycorona, will read up on your threads. From others takes here sounds like reciprocation (at least on an emotional level) is likely low. While this makes me feel somewhat lame I suppose this is the best case scenario and should make things easier if he fails to reinitiate meaningful contact. I would not even say we are at the level of friends yet, more on the cusp of it, so I am not even losing a friend just the idea of one. NC does sound ideal, but unfortunately there are mutual friends and activities that I greatly enjoy that would devastate me to totally let go of. But I should be able to reduce things greatly with a little planning - still figuring out how to navigate this - more challenges likely ahead.

[Spadge100]

Hi selkie

Look on it as a positive rather than negative that things haven’t moved too far along so far and that you have recognised that the glimmer and the imagination is running wild now.

I would run as far as you can the other way or at least keep LC if you have to but keep on very neutral territory. Try to focus on a few negative traits\features and really amplify these. I wish I was forearmed with this knowledge now as it would have been really handy! The image of her eyes is burned into my memory unfortunately!!