Opened that email...

[Nowords]

and so...I didn't open the email....until today after I got another which I opened surprisingly fast and without hesitation.

It has been about 4 or maybe five weeks of NC. I even noticed that she no longer would "like" any of my Facebook posts - for a long time (10 years or so) I could almost count on her clicking on "like" about once a week on average for most all my posts. But, that all stopped about 4 weeks ago and I figured she just finally decided my NC was a hint to leave me alone completely. I, like many of you, was torn about this. NC is nice as it makes the healing process actually happen, but the loss is so, so, so hard. We've never had a "closer conversation" if you will and I've been reluctant to completely close to door on everything - unfriending on FB or removing all contact information, blocking anything, etc. That has never seemed right to me - for me and for me to do to her. I do believe after our nearly 20 years as friends with 6 intense, romantic years being more than friends that it would be cruel to completely cut every communication channel off - thou, I do highly value the idea of NC as probably the best healing method with regards to LE. (both married).

Anyway, her name pops up in email this morning. It is the usual thing - she on my mind constantly and me a bit concerned about her being ok in general. I do and will always care about her and wish for her happiness in life. But, she pops up. I open the email. I read it...she writes "I've been writing a very long note to you, but having reading it back It is all too depressing and I deleted it and will start over". Then just a series of updates about her life in general and that she has some Christmas gifts she has been meaning to send, but does not know where to send due to Covid and me being home with my SO.

Upon finishing reading the note, I burst out into tears. I don't know if it was out of relief that she is ok or that I was happy to know she was thinking of me or if I am just PTSD with regards to how this whole thing ended. I just don't know and I also don't really know how to respond. I don't feel it is right to ghost - in fact that is dead wrong (sorry for the pun there). I suppose a "hey - great to hear from you....here is what I happening in my life" note is probably the right and best thing to do.

LE is so awful in so many ways. I am constantly sad. I am triggered constantly - music, parts of the city we once hung out in, movies, blond hair, you name it. It gets me constantly. I am getting better and better, but I have so far to go - it will be two years this May that we began to drift (she got scared and the romance began to fizzle, but she never really confided in me...things just sorta died on the vine). It sorta wrecked me and I am rebuilding as a result and I do hope that someday I will just be a better person. Someday I will fully believe that the life rehearsal ended when I was 18).

me - no words

[Spadge100]

Hi nowords

I can understand it feels wrong to respond to the email but ask yourself what it will achieve? Having gone five weeks of NC will it set you back? How will you feel sending the email? When I get the urge to contact I think of my SO. Would I want her to know I have reached out to just say hi\say everything is alright? This certainly helps me put in perspective who really matters and why NC has to keep in tact. It doesn’t always make it easier but I do think in the long run it is the right thing to do.

But could I resist replying if she contacted me? I hope I don’t have to face that test and god knows I have thought about how I would reply. But that reply can never be honest really. When we first stopped I would send an email every few weeks (it felt like months between them), all of them went unanswered for months and each time I sent them I regretted it.

I would certainly give it a few days to try and look at it objectively.

[Nowords]

And I am close to complete closer. My final note to my LO?

————

happiness is a how, not a what.

There are things that we don’t want to happen but have to accept, things we don’t want to know but have to learn, and people we can’t live without but have to let go.

You can hold a place in your heart for someone without giving them a place in your life. The reason why people give up so fast is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, instead of how far they have gotten. Sometimes you never know the true value of a moment until it becomes a memory that you wish you could experience again

When you blow out someone else's candle, you're not going to shine brighter, you're just going to make your space darker. Tears have no weight. But they carry heavy feelings. Mine have. Once I love you, I love you. If I have let you in to the deepest parts of who I am, you will always be there with me.

And if you have loved me back, you have forever changed me.

A good way to measure someone is by how big a mark they leave when they’re gone. My dear friend. I miss you. I always will, but I’m tired of my heart being broken each time your write “more later” and later never comes.

Keep on keeping on with a good life my darling. I will do the same.

[Spadge100]

Hi nowords

I agree with all the sentiment in the note. I too have constructed similar “closure” messages but have resisted sending them as it breaks my NC and I now believe like an alcoholic, that would be the one drink I promise.

NC does tug at a limerents heart strings that’s for sure. It’s the death of hope, the realisation that once there was something but now there is not, but as you say those feelings don’t leave you.

If I was in your shoes (which I kind of am), it’s good to share it on the forum but best not to voice it to LO. Ultimately it doesn’t and will not help your marriages and connection with your SO to send it.

I have come to terms with the fact that there will always be some feeling towards my LO and I can’t change that, but I can break the cycle of drama that mutual limerence brings that has barriers.

Maybe she thinks of you, maybe she doesn’t. That is their choice but ultimately any communication is really testing those waters. In my case I hope she doesn’t really think of me as that detracts from time she could be spending with her SO and kids, which is a lot more important.

Of course it doesn’t stop the missing part, only time allows you to move on and past it.

[Cookie]

I am getting better and better, but I have so far to go

And communicating with her will put you back to square one.

Look...it's your choice, Nowords.

But we need to get past the notion that we somehow OWE these people something. We don't. I don't care if it's 2 years or 20.

I feel your pain and your conflict. But I'm sorry to say that after 30 years of dealing with this BS (and finally conquering it!!), there is only one way out.

[Sunflower]

Sorry to say these but they are both right. If you send it, then you are just putting off the action of going NC. She will want to respond to that message (I would, how could you not if your limerent!) and then you are back to square one as Cookie says.

I speak from experience - I’m 10 years in with the same LO. Currently going NC, been 15 days. And it’s probably about the 50th time I’ve gone NC. The longest gap was 18 months I think. I don’t think I will ever be safe from him unless I go NC and stick to it.

[John20]

If you reply, you will wait for the answer. If she answers and you re-initiate the communication, you will be where you were before and do the process with NC again. If she does not answer back, you land in ruminations. The is no win out of it,

[mycorona]

Do take on board everything being said in reply to you Nowords. They are right, the wise people on this forum. I wish I had the option of NC (though I know it's its own torture!)
I feel so much for you Nowords. You loved her. She does not love you back - or if she does, she can conquer her feelings. Either way, the relationship is over. I know the feeling. I am not fickle either, when I give my heart, I give it completely - maybe not for ever, who knows what the future brings, but completely and honestly, without any games attached. It's death to lose, but you have lost, as have I. Try to learn to guard your feelings and please try not to contact her. My LO did everything he could to get me back to meet ups, I eventually gave in. He was delighted - for a little while and then I believe he thought to himself ...she's back to meeting up - but really, I'm not that interested anyway.... I think he just wanted to best me and he succeeded. I have learned from this. Though I still have to see him at meetups, my feelings for him are almost gone. I just pray now for the day he tries to start up something with me as I will take my opportunity to reject it. Not out of malice, but out of this learning process. He's not good enough for me!

I wish you strength Nowords. You had something that died. You are in mourning but you will have to endure the pain of this loss and you may find yourself coming out stronger and a little wiser in the end. It's not easy to learn to live without what you know in your own heart could have been a beautiful thing. I've been there and I'm surviving....One day at a time.....

[Nowords]

all-

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You have been of tremendous help. The open, honest and candid advise is genuine and refreshing...if not vital to my ultimate happiness.

I did not send the email. I think we all secretly say "this is my closure note" but we sit back and wait for a response or anguish when there is no reply. It's not a movie I keep telling myself. This is real life and there is no Hollywood ending with a wonderful soundtrack that moves everyone to tears. It is simply real life being real.

I did not send the "closer" email, but I continue to get emails from her and I don't (can't) open them for all the reasons you all have pointed out plus it simply still hurts too much. It simply starts the cycle again. I am past that point of were I feel better not engaging than feeling horrible that I have not stayed in touch. NC is powerful. I don't owe her anything. She backed off and distance herself without ever really confiding in me. For over two years I was at such a loss, but people do what they need to do and I respect that as hard as it is to accept. Letting go...or I should say moving forward is what we have to master in life after loss of any kind. Move forward.

The love I had (have) for her was so strong. I tell myself the love she had for me was real too. In fact, so real she had to let go because she knows that ultimately we could never be together as it would cause so much hurt for others. I think highly of her having the strength and wisdom as well as resolve to do the right thing - possibly not the right way. Yet, nobody really knows how to navigate things like this - its not a well scripted movie with all the right words at the right time. Real life.

[Spadge100]

Well done nowords, having that carrot dangled is tortuous.

The grieving is real, and going NC and finally accepting the death of hope in my opinion is essential to recover.

In a way the grieving is harder than a death, as while you have to accept the death of hope unfortunately I am still not sure you ever truly give up some element of hope, which then keeps the limerence strong. Anniversaries, birthdays, key moments when normal friends wish each other well all have to come and go without a spoken word yet are still painful to get past.

There is a reason why friendship with an ex is hard, but I think even harder when you fall for an image of someone where there is not the rationality around why the relationship ended. Right person, wrong time is a very bitter pill to swallow.

I admire your resolve and everyone on here has your back and can empathise fully with what you are going through.

Well done for getting this far, one day at a time