Lessons I learned (:

[freedom1]

Hi yall,
I would like to write about a few things I learned from my limerence experience. This will be more like a rant. I'm not expecting anyone to read this. I have been dealing with limerence for the past 3 years and my heart goes out to all of you that are experiencing this right now. My limerence was pretty bad. My LO would take up a large majority of my thoughts. I stopped working, I didn't pay much attention to my family life. I don't even want to get into my story because it is that embarrassing.

The first thing I learned from this experience is that I need to always put myself first. It will be hard to get over your LO if you don't put yourself first. Like most of you.. communicating, being intimate and getting attention from my LO would give me euphoria. But just like with a drug the big highs came with the lowest of lows. Now that I am looking at things from a different perspective I can see that I was just an ego boost for my LO. He would act interested then back away over and over again, just because he wanted his ego stroked. I was not innocent in this because I would play the games as well and he provided an ego boost for me also. He treated me horribly though. Anyone that can ghost someone (especially someone you shared an intimate relationship/connection with) is pathetic. You owe it to that person to at least tell them how you feel or that you will no longer be speaking to them. If you choose to ghost someone, at that point you are not even treating the other person like a human being. My LO ghosted me and then came back into my life months later. I let him back in with open arms which is very sad because it shows him and myself that I have very low self worth. I showed him that it was ok to treat me like that when I let him enter back into my life. Even when he takes a long time to respond back to my messages or says he is going to do something that he never ends up doing.. I would just go along with it because I was just happy to be talking to my LO. Now I realize f*ck that! I deserve to be treated with respect. I don't want people who do not respect me in my life. I am an awesome person. Why would I let someone treat me like crap and keep them in my life?? I know it was the limerence but damn I had no respect for myself. This has been such an eye opening experience for me. I know my value now and I will never let someone treat me like that again. The only reason it was difficult for me to get rid of him is because he was my LO. I've initiated no contact for the last couple of months. I've deleted all pictures from my phone, deleted messages and his phone number, and blocked myself from all of his social media. This is very IMPORTANT. Do not torture yourself by looking at their social media. You will just continue to want to reach out to them. You do not want to be reminded of them. Plus you gain freedom and peace of mind when you choose yourself and decide to completely remove them from your life. And that sh&t is priceless. We owe this to ourselves.

I also want to say to all of the people out there that are jealous of their LO's SO.... your LO being with another person is a blessing in disguise. That's the positive spin I put on it anyway. That other person has to deal with this asshole now. They aren't my problem anymore. He treats his SO the same way he treated me. I am the lucky one in this situation because I chose to end things with him and got out. She clearly does not respect herself because she lets him treat her like crap. She can keep him! I 100% deserve someone that treats me with respect. I lost myself and my self worth when I fell into this deep limerence hole. It feels amazing to know that I'm coming out of this. This experience has also taught me to not let other people treat me badly. I have recently let go of friends that have taken advantage of my kindness as well. What a great lesson to learn. There is always a silver lining.

Another thing I learned is how important our mindset is. We make the decisions in our life. We can choose to try to get better and beat limerence. Your mind is very powerful. You can't tell yourself "I am never going to stop thinking about my LO/I have no control over this"... because guess what? That will be true in your case because that is what you chose to believe/tell your mind. It's like your mind is in a prison. You hold the key to get out but you are choosing not to use it. The key is your thoughts. You can choose to go no contact and try your hardest to not think about your LO. Obviously there will be set backs but you have to just get back up and try again. And most importantly know that it is possible to get out of this situation. You just have to really want it and believe that you can get there. You are not in a physical prison. You are not an inmate that did something bad that is locked in this box and can never get out. YOU HAVE A CHOICE. GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD/THIS MENTAL PRISON. You can choose freedom. Go outside and enjoy life! This is a luxury we have. Go meet new people that value you. How lucky are we that we can even do these things? I know that some people that are going through limerence are also going through a mid-life crisis or have a fear of getting older (me included). But today (right now) this is the youngest you will ever be going forward. Don't spend your time being sad that you are getting older. Don't spend your time thinking about your LO who doesn't care about you and treats you like crap. Go enjoy your life!! Enjoy your kids and family. Live in the present moment. That's what I want to do going forward. I wasted so much time thinking about my LO. Time I will never get back. And for what? I don't mean anything to him. I regret wasting all of that time on him. I no longer want to waste my time thinking about him. I just want to live my life and be happy. I know I'm going in the right direction because thinking about not having him in my life and the peace I gained is what is bringing me happiness now. He no longer has control over my mind and my life. I'm taking my power back and I hope you choose to do the same!

It felt so amazing to type this out. Once again I don't expect anyone to read all of this, but if you do maybe there was a lesson in there for you. I'm sending good energy to everyone out there that needs it. Always remember you have the power to do whatever you want. You are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for.

[AMA210]

Hi freedom1,

Thanks for sharing this. A lot of this resonates with me and I absolutely agree with putting yourself first! Difficult to do, but is possible!

[JupiterTaco]

Thanks for that, also can relate to that.

[Nowords]

Hi freedom1,

I admire your resolve. I hung on every single word. I feel your strength shinning through and it inspires me and I think many others who take the time to read your entire post. I am nearly two years into this and the pain is unmatched. I've lost loved ones to cancer, suicide, old age and addiction. Yet, the pain I've experience that last two years letting go - and being let go/abandoned has been significant. I suppose a fair amount of my pain due to all the other losses are related to the loss of my LO (who, incidentally is still part of my life through LC now) much of which is initiated by her until more recently. We both have done the ghost dance and it is such an immature thing to do, yet finding the words to fully let go is somethings hard to face head on. I've hung on a sliver or hope that if anything there is a friendship that can be preserved. Yet, after a 6 year romance of daily communication and being very physically intimate I think it is very idealistic to actually ever be fully functioning friends.

But, back to you and your "rant". Your guidance is important for many of us to read. Starting with loving one's self. It is not selfish. It is in fact one of the most selfless things anyone can achieve. It takes so much hard work and introspection to arrive at that state of mind. I often wonder and, if anything, have justified in my mind that my limerence experience was necessary for me to get to this almost self awakening about, well, simply liking and accepting me. Part of that is defining what I will put up with and what I will not accept. Putting more definition around what I want out of life and frankly letting go of trying to make every single person around me happy. Fact is, if I am not happy with me how can I expect others around me to be happy and, more importantly, people are responsible for their own happiness. That is not fully my responsibility. Right? When you fully love yourself, this gives you the opportunity to move through the world with deeper compassion for others. And, what this leads me too is I have a deeper compassion for my LO and that has helped me escape my limerence to a high degree. And...I am far less reliant on expecting others - my LO included - to make me happy, excited, interesting, creative, compassionate, etc., That is my job. I alone can achieve that and I cannot/ do not expect that of anyone else as much as I use too. I know...I guess I am on a bit of a rant now too. Half the time when I write a post here, I think I am actually just writing to me.

I guess I am saying I have learned so much about me during this journey. I don't regret the time I spent on my LO when it was mutual, but I do regret all the time I have spent the last two years obsessing about her when everything suddenly changed (she decided to back off and focus on her career) which I strongly respect - yet, one detail is she didn't really bother to tell me and over night the winds shifted. For me it was hard to understand and all the issues of loss hit me in a profound way - sending me into very deep despair and depression. I think I had it coming. That is on me. Yet, love is such a strange thing. Basically a chemical reaction of sorts and the limerent brain (like an addicts brain) can take years to heal....the snow globe can take a while to calm down to see clearly as I often say here.

Thank you for anyone who has taken the time to read this and to you freedom 1 for helping me - probably many others - with some perspective and hope. It really helped me for sure.

[IvB]

Nowords, I agree when you say that you don't regret the time spent on LO. I too cannot regret feeling so much love for someone, especially since my LO really is a good person. But I did learn a lot about myself too - codependency, low self esteem, need for external validation, all that makes me susceptible to LE, especially when LO reciprocates. That is something to work on and it's better to find out now than even later in life.

[Spadge100]

Thanks freedom1 and nowords for the wise words

I agree completely with them. It is very much like a mental prison that you get trapped in and getting out is a difficult process that seems to take time but as long as the direction is up then that’s a good thing.

I’m sure we would all love a switch to flick this on and off but as you say, that snow globe takes a while to settle.

I feel the snow globe has definitely stopped shaking now and gradually those snow flakes are starting to settle.

I am starting to massively regret the wasted brain power I have given to LO over the last year and realise that the high from the first few months is an illusion, a fantasy, an extreme dopamine hit that is hard to shake.

But then I think regret is a pointless emotion, it will only make the limerence stick. I am learning to accept the thoughts will pop in, observe them, don’t try and understand them and eventually they pass as they always do. Eventually those last snow flakes will settle and the memories will become less frequent. I know that breaking NC would just give that snow globe a little shake again so it needs to remain on the shelf, dormant but always there as a reminder to not go there again.