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Where to go from here...

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doublecreek
Posts: 1
Joined: Fri Mar 26, 2021 4:34 am
United States of America

Where to go from here...

Post by doublecreek »

I never heard of limerence before I searched for my symptoms and feel that it is spot on with what I am dealing with. Here’s my story....about ten years ago, I met a lovely young lady who is 6 years younger than me at her job. We both live and work in a small town. Although I didn’t know her, I knew some of her family. I really never had ran across her before. I saw her and she really peaked my interest. Due to past rejection, I really didn’t make any attempt to try and get to know her. Not long after, she friend requests me on social media. After continuing seeing her at her job, we do chat. She needed some assistance with something and there wasn’t any reluctance to exchange phone numbers. Any posts I had on social media, it never failed...she was always liking them and seemed to be the first to pop up. I started doing the same with her posts. I finally got up the courage and texted her about possibly hanging out sometime and doing something fun together. She replied that she was really too busy with her work but appreciated the offer. I really didn’t press it too much. We still ran into each other at work sometimes and would always be on good terms..like she wasn’t uncomfortable with me. About a year later I asked her to do something in person but she said she already had plans. I left it at that. Fast forward a few years and a mutual good friend gets married. This friend knows how I feel and one time said we would be a good match, but she is overly picky and has led a sheltered life and doesn’t really dare. Surprise to me, my LO is at our friends wedding without a date (me either) and we have assigned seats next to each other in a crowd of about 250 guests. We end up having a good time together, dancing, etc. People must have thought we were a couple, because several people asked me later. The next morning, I texted her just to make sure she got home safe. We texted back and forth for a while and I said that I was surprised that she was seated next to me and I guess it’s because our mutual friend thought we would be a good match. She didn’t acknowledge that part of the dialogue. A week later, I invited her over and we had a good chat outside for about an hour. I didn’t say anything about how I felt. It’s now been two years later and I still think about her everyday. She’s a real catch and it is unbelievable how much we share in common. She’s absolutely gorgeous and she could have the pick of any man she wanted. I have been severely depressed, but whenever we talk or see each other I feel like I’m on cloud 9. Recently, I decided I need to do whatever I can to avoid her, which would include avoiding her at her job and liking/commenting on any of her social media posts. After about 6 months of trying to stay away, she reached out to me the other day needing help with some paperwork. Of course, intense feelings came back and I was obliged to help. Not three hours before she messaged me, she had a post about being single and dating. She never posts anything like this or anything about relationships. She said she was okay with it, but sometimes wishes she had someone. I thought that was odd. That night, we spent over an hour messaging back and forth about what she needed help with and just other small talk. I would not flood her with messages, but only responded to ones she sent. It continued for about an hour the next morning when both of us were at work. I don’t know if she is sending mixed signals, or I am just imagining something that’s not there. I feel like I can’t compete with all the other guys that want her attention. I almost came close to sending her a handwritten letter how I feel. Do I risk it or just continue suffering?
selkie354
Posts: 155
Joined: Fri Jan 22, 2021 5:17 pm
Canada

Re: Where to go from here...

Post by selkie354 »

Hi doublecreek,

I would say those are definitely mixed signals. The thing is you have already pretty much asked her out a few times. And she always rejects. Best to focus on that. Her willingness to text allnight and come over to your house is somewhat confusing though. I suppose all you can do is really lay it out there tell her you'd like to go on a date sometime and say "date" not "meet up' (don't pick a time so she can't be "busy") and see what she says. The other route you could go with is confiding in this mutual friend: Tell her you like X and you feel she is sending you mixed signals and you are kind of hurt by it, see if she can go figure out what her deal is. This is kind of high school, but it could work, then you can hopefully know for sure if she is interested or not.

Most likely she simply sees you as a friend, possibly enjoys your attention is somewhat attracted, but not enough to want to date you. This is kind of a crappy spot to be b/c she'll want to keep you around but won't ever want to actually take the plunge and be with you. It is also possible she may like you but have some kind of anxiety. Sadly I think the friendzone is the more likely answer, but since you are both single I think its worth just pushing a bit further to figure it out. Good luck.
AMA210
Posts: 2385
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Where to go from here...

Post by AMA210 »

Hello.
I agree with Selkie here. Since both of you are single, it may be best to make a decision because otherwise it just leads into more ruminating about her and the situation, which is causing you unnecessary stress and anxiety.

It sounds like you are friends on some level, so perhaps an honest discussion of it would help both of you.

Good luck.
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
Nowords
Posts: 42
Joined: Mon Nov 23, 2020 3:28 am
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Where to go from here...

Post by Nowords »

Rejection is obviously your big concern. It could very well be hers too however. You have to ask yourself, what will you ultimately regret more. Being rejected and ending up with clarity and possibly a good friend or looking back and wishing you would have made your move? I suspect it will be the latter later in life. At the very least I think the issue you have is not knowing hence the rumination. You won't want that down the road as it will linger for years. My two cents.
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“A thing can be true and not the truth,”
― Kristin Hannah, The Great Alone
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