What exactly are men and women looking for when limerent?

[John20]

Reading several posts on this site showed a pattern that when women are limerent, their thoughts and imaginations are often sexual, whereas when men are limerent, their thoughts are caring, intimate and they rarely involve sexuality.

Somewhere on this forum, it was written that Men give intimacy to get sex and women give sex to get intimacy.

Is it possible that limerence is just a strong and long primitive emotion which aim is the reproduction and because men know that women need intimacy, their thoughts are only intimate to ultimately get sex? And in order to act genuinely, they unconsciously exclude sexual thoughts from their minds to be more convincing and genuine to their LO that it is the intimacy their offer? And something similar appears to women... their thoughts get sexual to act attractively in front of LO.

I also think that the technology contributes to make the limerence worse. Because of Whats App and Email, we have option to constantly "talk" to our LO and we have to force us hard not to do that. Whereas if our only option would be to talk to LO into their eyes, we would think twice if it is worth, seeing their indifferent and blunt expression and disinterest in us in their faces every time we try to talk to them and after a few attempts we would just "recover" by seeing their authentic emotion of lack of interest in us.

But I do not know, just a thought.

[selkie354]

Hi John,

This is an interesting theory. I am very surprised that men's fantasies might be more about caring than sex. For me it has run the gamut. For sure a sexual component in there. Initially, I didn't really care at all and it was about winning the game of attraction and validating myself. Now I care about the guy. Probably as I have gotten to know him better and see him as a fuller person. I also care less about "winning" ( I am not winning anything here). But currently there is a desire fro the sexual, but also just a strong desire for his companionship and just to be around him. Honestly the strongest thing has always been this: wanting to be around him.

[IvB]

For me, while there is definitely a physical attraction (more than normally in my life with SO etc.), it is what you wrote - I give the sexual (in this case my LO wants sexting) to get the intimacy (which he doesn't want to give). I want to care for him, make him happy and the physical part, by now, is less important.

[marko]

I was looking to heal my abandonment feelings from youth. I wanted to be validated and admired, it's all about me. If you focus out, you will never heal and miss what this is about. There are many variables intertwined as to why some would become limerent, and others not. When you look at all avoidant behavior, whether it be drinking, gambling, spending, etc on and on, this one has you escape through another person. You can pull in other desires that also add a complex layer, but many here look for a better self. I wanted mine to be hot and popular, I wanted to be the cool guy, I wanted a better me--but only as projection and absurd thoughts could conjure. This isn't soul mate deep love, this is selfish and troubling.

[IvB]

Thank you marko, same here.

[JohnDeux]

..... this one has you escape through another person. You can pull in other desires that also add a complex layer, but many here look for a better self. I wanted mine to be hot and popular, I wanted to be the cool guy, I wanted a better me--but only as projection and absurd thoughts could conjure. This isn't soul mate deep love, this is selfish and troubling.

Much along the same lines for myself. In my limerent fantasies with LO (distinctly non-sexual I might add, even as she was in most men's estimate highly attractive) *we* were a perfect couple and our benevolence radiated outward bestowing goodness onto all around us... ( yeah, cue the hurl scene ). Noteworthy is the fact that my SO is more reclusive and counter-culture whereas both LOs over several years had well-known, extended families in the community and I kind of imagined my own identity being dispersed into the (imagined) loving arms of that family. So somewhat dovetailing on marko's comment of "escape through another person", I wanted my own identity (self-hatred) to disappear into that of my LO's and their families.

[Sara]

I think originally there was a strong sexual desire from me, a crazy one like i didnt have before. That was cut short after 7months when he left the company. I was relieved because i knew it was a disaster going to happen. Few years later we reconnected and the desire was still there , not as strong but we became more intimate and got to know each other while brushing aside the sexual desire.