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Single limerents

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
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Struck613
Posts: 128
Joined: Fri Jun 23, 2017 2:31 am

Single limerents

Post by Struck613 »

I know many people on the forum are married or are in long term relationships, and I can't even imagine the kind of complications that adds to being limerent and your LE, but I wanted to take a second to talk about being limerent and being single.

I'm in a bit of a rut with my LO at the moment, and I think a big part of it is not only are we not together, but both LO has an SO and I don't. There's no one there at my side to at least bring comfort and distract from LO. I know not everyone here in a relationship is in a happy relationship, and it may feel wrong to have the pervasive thoughts about an LO when you have an SO, but at least there is someone else there. When you're not in a relationship, it's just LO and the further away they get the deeper you descend into the limerence.

Maybe someone here has experience with limerence both while single and in a relationship, but I'm curious to hear about how the experiences are similar/different.

EDIT: I should also add, it makes me have absurd thoughts like when I even open a dating app, I feel like I am "cheating" on LO. Or I'll feel like I shouldn't even bother trying to find someone else, because LO will magically become available to me if I just wait. Oh limerence...
selkie354
Posts: 155
Joined: Fri Jan 22, 2021 5:17 pm
Canada

Re: Single limerents

Post by selkie354 »

Hi Struck,

Have experienced both. My first LE was when I was in university and he had a gf and I was single. We were friends and confided in each other, messaged a lot, studied late nights together etc. His gf was long distance at the beginning. Then she came back... Hurt to see them together. Ultimately I snapped out of it when they broke up and he still didn't want to be with me.

Second episode was with my SO (not married) and current one same SO now married. It sucks both ways, but when married or with someone the guilt is there which feels really awful (I guess I should of had some guilt about his gf but to be honest I didn't really - in retrospect it wasn't that serious). But also they can be a distraction, and you can lean into them.

To be honest it would be hard to say which is worse. I'm in the middle of this one now so it feels worse, but I know the other 2 were tough those times as well :/

As for you being single right now. I still think it is worth trying to find someone to date, it may help you get out of it. At some point might be useful to be honest about it, I actually told my SO about my "crush" - we got together shortly after I felt "dumped" by my first LO. At the very least a few dates will be a good distraction and possibly a confidence boost, might take the pressure off with the new ones since you are hung up on someone else. I honestly think it helped me take it easy and not screw things up early on with SO. Good luck with it!
Struck613
Posts: 128
Joined: Fri Jun 23, 2017 2:31 am

Re: Single limerents

Post by Struck613 »

Yeah, the guilt with having an SO must be tough. Like you though, I don't feel bad about being friends with LO despite her being in a relationship. I don't know anything about her bf (I haven't seen her since pre-covid and they met after that), which makes it easier to not care. Plus, much to the chagrin of my limerence, we're not actually anything more than friends and once I found out about him I stopped (outwardly, at least) trying to be anything more than that.

I do think you're right though. Being single can be a great thing though, in that I can try going on dates and that would helpfully help take my mind off LO. Like I said in the edit of my first post though, I also find LO to be an obstacle to dating. I know it's not rational, but sometimes it's hard to get out of your own head.
Struck613
Posts: 128
Joined: Fri Jun 23, 2017 2:31 am

Re: Single limerents

Post by Struck613 »

I guess I also think that being single is a part of the reason that I'm limerent. Like if I were to actually find someone to have a healthy relationship with, I wouldn't need this silly limerence anymore. I'm starting to realize that's probably not true though. I'm 26, and except for two years ago (when I was coming off my last LO and before my current LO. I met her in 2019, but I didn't really see her as an LO until 2020) I've been limerent for as long as I can remember. My first LO was probably when I was around 13 or 14 (I know it was shortly before high school but I forget exactly when), so this has basically been with me half my life. It's bounced around from LO to LO. I'm sure I can do some reflection and maybe start to heal a bit if I can get to the root cause of it, but something i've had my whole adult life won't just magically disappear when I'm not single.
selkie354
Posts: 155
Joined: Fri Jan 22, 2021 5:17 pm
Canada

Re: Single limerents

Post by selkie354 »

Can confirm does not magically disappear when not single. If you read the posts I think more of us are married than not. I will say if you can find a good one that new relationship glow should keep it away for a few years at least. But you have to watch out when that honeymoon period ends. Still not a bad idea to try and date, just don't expect a partner to be a limerence cure.
Illusion
Posts: 27
Joined: Sun Aug 02, 2020 8:42 am
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Single limerents

Post by Illusion »

Struck613 wrote: Tue Apr 27, 2021 11:52 pm When you're not in a relationship, it's just LO and the further away they get the deeper you descend into the limerence.
Interesting question. I'm limerent and have an SO. Having an SO doesn't seem to matter. I'm completely obsessed with my LO, first thought when I wake, last thought at night. Sleepless nights. Hours consumed ruminating what was, what might be. I'd say even being in a relationship it's still only the LO that matters.
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