She Has a New Boyfriend...

[DreamingBlue]

Please tell me this is good news, that it's something that will help bring closure. It is, in essence, a rejection of me, even though it has nothing to do with me.

All I can feel is searing pain. I liked it much more when I was the unavailable, but flirting, married man, she the flailing, getting on in years single who was painfully alone. Every interaction with her was a salve for her, I imagined. The kind, doting, almost fatherly friend. Now, she has someone else. Someone who will know all the pleasures I can only dream about. Of kissing her, making love to her, holding her.

My wife and kids are in the next room, and I am almost ready to cry. I hope this is just the initial shock, and I will soon be able to put this all in perspective, that this is person addiction, not as important as my heart and mind tell me it is. For now, it is deep pain, a door closing on a story I was convinced was meaningful.

I am very tempted to talk to her face to face and tell her I need to pull way back from our friendship because of my persistent crush, but I know that disclosure has its downsides.

[IvB]

Yes, this is just the initial shock, wait a bit, ride this low out and soon you will feel a bit better.
A very nice description of what limerence is, by the way, we blame our LO for our pain but look how selfish our thoughts are. That's not an insult to you, my mental process is the same (LO single, me married). But it shows that it's not love and only serves to help our ego too, until the bubble bursts. Keep strong, hopefully it will help you to keep more distance and cool off the relationship, without disclosing to her.

[Significant other]

Hello,DreamingBlue.
My wife (L)during the quarentine,discovered that her LO lived with a partner.
She got jealous and curses her.But this didn't stop the rumiations,she just delayed the result.Her LE never disappeared.
Comes And goes again and again.Pure obsesive compulsive disorder.

[Struck613]

Now, she has someone else. Someone who will know all the pleasures I can only dream about. Of kissing her, making love to her, holding her.

I can relate to this so much. I was going to post something to this effect, but you summed it up better in these few sentences than I would've in a few paragraphs. So much of my LE isn't even sexual, but when I found out LO had a boyfriend this has been all I can think about. That they kiss, they have sex, they are there for each other. For some reason it was more okay to me that I wasn't experiencing that with LO as long as no one else was, but the thought of her being with someone else has been very painful.

Of course, this isn't fair to hold our LOs to such a standard. Why shouldn't they be able to have a SO? We're not together with them in anyway. Sorry if I don't have anything much reassuring to add, but hopefully it helps to know you are not in this alone. So many of us can relate.

[DreamingBlue]

No that's okay, you're absolutely right. What claim do I have to her? None whatsoever. Just because my overactive fantasy brain cast her in a movie in my head, doesn't mean she doesn't get to live the life she wants. This is an inflamed ego in me, and a hurt sense of pride. Maybe it's the burn that I'll need to move on.

Great lyrics come to mind, from the song August & September -

What kind of man was I?
Who would sacrifice your happiness to satisfy his pride?
What kind of man was I?
Who would delay your destiny to appease his tiny mind?
What kind of man was I?
Who could delay your destiny to appease his achin' swollen pride?
Who could delay your destiny to appease his screamin' little mind?
You're mine
You're mine
You're mine

[marko]

The boyfriend thing won't matter, you'll wait for that to end. You'll long for this forever. That sad pain is based on where you begin, the reason it hurts so bad and you want it. It can even take quite some time to figure out the connections as to why. Dig in deep, the answer is there. My LO gave me compliments and uncovered my deeply wounded self. My poor self image and loathing all came out--I had no idea as I was running from it. I've never cried so much in my life. I miss those parts of her as no one else would say anything that nice, and my mother (big cause) still thinks I'm a let down--why wouldn't I run to the LO. The trap is set as she can't heal and that damage keeps leaking out.

[DreamingBlue]

I'll long for this forever??? Thanks!

[ireneadler]

The pain is real, so take care of yourself as you would for any other grief.

A while ago, LO said something that I thought was a statement on our friendship, cooling things off, but it actually had more to do with work needs. I was distraught, crying for days. I listened to breakup songs. Ate ice cream. He sent kind emails talking through things. We reconciled. He did not want to talk about or define our relationship though. (Are we close coworkers? Good friends? What? went unanswered.) But otherwise things are fairly back to "normal".

Around the same time I had a fight with SO. This happens often where he will give me the silent treatment for days or weeks. I didn't cry at all. I fact, I barely cared. Eventually we talked, but it was not pain like what I went through with LO. Years ago, I used to feel pain about SO when I worried our marriage might be over. Now the most terrible thing I can think of would be for LO to be out of my life.

[Cookie]

I'll long for this forever??? Thanks!

It doesn't have to be this way. Believe it or not, you can rebuild your SOUL. It's never too late. I'm in my mid-50s and have had what I now know as "limerence" since about age 8 (and the sad-sack diary entries to prove it).

Dealbreaker, right? It's over for me, yeah? I'll never be happy because the dice rolled the wrong way a long time ago with maternal abandonment. My bleak existence has been cast, my future set in stone. And oh well, there's just nothing I can do.

Bullshit. Wake up and kick yourself in the ass. LIVE.

Sorry for the cussing. But step away from this--from your own ruminations and thoughts of self. Ditch the silly adolescent notion that your happiness depends on ANYONE else.

The LO can't save you. This forum can't save you. But YOU can save yourself.

It's been right in your hands the whole time, Dorothy.

Oh, and in case there was any doubt: you cannot remain "FRIENDS" with your LO back in Oz. She's now melted into a puddle. Step over it.

[DreamingBlue]

Thanks for this.

That subject area - the core, the source of the limerence, I know it's a hole. But from what? From where.

Maternal abandonment? I don't think I had that! At least I THOUGHT my mother was nurturing, loving.
There were definitely times I didn't feel as naturally connected to her as perhaps I wished I was.
But that doesn't strike me as a huge area of lacking.
I also had a loving older sister who doted on me. I wish I could pinpoint it.