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Limerence-Adjacent Triggers

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DreamingBlue
Posts: 224
Joined: Fri Dec 11, 2020 11:33 pm
United States of America

Limerence-Adjacent Triggers

Post by DreamingBlue »

Underneath all of this is a middle age fear of death, fear that I've missed out, not slept with enough women, not experienced enough in love and life.
It's a sort of thing that sets the table for limerence, and also the kind of thing that limerence adds fuel to.

For instance - a trigger just now, seeing that Bill Gates is ending his marriage of 27 years. Instead of an oh that's sad, my mind goes right to "Bill Gates will get have sex with someone else." (If he's lucky. Not exactly a looker.)

Other triggers - hearing about sex parties, Tinder and other apps, all the things young people are enjoying. I don't know if these things are more triggering now because I'm in limerence, but it's possible. It's the beast telling me the grass is greener.

In truth, if f'ing around were more important than love and family to me, I wouldn't have gotten married.
IvB
Posts: 280
Joined: Thu Nov 12, 2020 8:30 pm
Czech Republic

Re: Limerence-Adjacent Triggers

Post by IvB »

Agree, DreamingBlue, same here, I married my first partner. Never bothered me, but I think about it more now in limerence. Not sure what will help, trying to have more/different sex with SO now, hopefully takes the edge off...indeed don't want to destroy the marriage because of this.
David
Site Admin
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Location: London UK
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Great Britain

Re: Limerence-Adjacent Triggers

Post by David »

DreamingBlue wrote: Mon May 03, 2021 11:45 pm "Bill Gates will get have sex with someone else." (If he's lucky. Not exactly a looker.)
Looks count for little when you've got billions, look at Trump.

This is well documented in David Buss's fascinating book on the Evolution of Desire
Purchase the 24 part video series on overcoming limerence - see https://limerence.thinkific.com/courses/healing-limerence
AMA210
Posts: 2385
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
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United States of America

Re: Limerence-Adjacent Triggers

Post by AMA210 »

DreamingBlue wrote: Mon May 03, 2021 11:45 pm Underneath all of this is a middle age fear of death, fear that I've missed out, not slept with enough women, not experienced enough in love and life.
It's a sort of thing that sets the table for limerence, and also the kind of thing that limerence adds fuel to.

For instance - a trigger just now, seeing that Bill Gates is ending his marriage of 27 years. Instead of an oh that's sad, my mind goes right to "Bill Gates will get have sex with someone else." (If he's lucky. Not exactly a looker.)

Other triggers - hearing about sex parties, Tinder and other apps, all the things young people are enjoying. I don't know if these things are more triggering now because I'm in limerence, but it's possible. It's the beast telling me the grass is greener.

In truth, if f'ing around were more important than love and family to me, I wouldn't have gotten married.
Thanks for posting this, DreamingBlue!
When I saw the update on Bill Gates, my first thought was "yes, not that surprised, as I came in at 28 years". My next thought was "he is probably limerent for someone else or she finally discovered all of the affairs he has been in over the years."

I had a good laugh on your comment on having sex with someone else, if he is lucky, not a looker. :D
My initial thought to that was "no thanks, no amount of money or power is worth that, ewwwwww."

IMO, it's not just the f*ing around part that seems to become more important around middle age. Rather, it's the validation and attention that takes center stage in our lives that we are still physically attractive to the opposite sex. As we get older, weird stuff starts showing up - skin tags, moles, hair loss, white/grey hairs, etc...All of these make us feel less attractive, so when someone comes along who we find attractive, and is also attracted to us, and via flirting, it's a huge validation that we didn't lose what we had before when younger. It's a huge ego boost on both sides.

As David has mentioned in the past, looking at beautiful women or handsome men is something we are wired to do and that is fine. Although it is when that becomes infatuation or going after someone who is not available, that is when the trouble begins.

:D
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
DreamingBlue
Posts: 224
Joined: Fri Dec 11, 2020 11:33 pm
United States of America

Re: Limerence-Adjacent Triggers

Post by DreamingBlue »

Yes, that's exactly right. I can't believe it's taken a year of my life away from me. It's so painful. I just hope the end is within sight soon.

I was better weeks ago but am being killed by a real relapse.
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Limerence-Adjacent Triggers

Post by L-F »

AMA210 wrote: Tue May 04, 2021 1:57 pm IMO, it's not just the f*ing around part that seems to become more important around middle age. Rather, it's the validation and attention that takes center stage in our lives that we are still physically attractive to the opposite sex. As we get older, weird stuff starts showing up - skin tags, moles, hair loss, white/grey hairs, etc...All of these make us feel less attractive, so when someone comes along who we find attractive, and is also attracted to us, and via flirting, it's a huge validation that we didn't lose what we had before when younger. It's a huge ego boost on both sides.

As David has mentioned in the past, looking at beautiful women or handsome men is something we are wired to do and that is fine. Although it is when that becomes infatuation or going after someone who is not available, that is when the trouble begins.
Awww beautifully said AMA!
I don't believe it's the desire to have intercourse as it is the desire to be desired. More about ego as opposed to how we're meant to function on a biological level.

One sure thing to burst the desire bubble to procreate is procreation.

On the other hand ;)) if it really was about sexual pleasure, then many things would work here, starting with the hand.

So, I'd be asking "what am I really wanting here?"

Intercourse with a stranger? Love and affection? Ego attention? One's youth back?
And the biggie question, 'can I support an open marriage so that my partner isn't missing out as well?'

Or, 'am I bringing the same amount of energy to the relationship that I yearn for?'
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
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