I'm stuck. Help?!

[theorina38]

I don't know whether to call my situation as "Limerence”?

I've been in love with a male friend of mine for several years. ON and OFF (he lived abroad for a while and we had no contact during that time).

Now we are in contact, we occasionally meet for a drink/coffee, but not so many times during Covid outbreak. He is a flirt and he keeps me hooked. BUT the thing is I haven't had ANY symptoms like these before and that is why I'm here.

We met and had some deep discussions about life and this time around, my feelings were more intense. And after meeting with him I just went nuts. I'm totally aware of the dopamine highs - my heart racing, sleep suffering, can't focus, deep pain, desperation. I'm having conversations with him in my head and fantasising him kissing me... I'm normally a very stable person.

So then I texted him - and got rejected. In a sweet way actually.

I'm stuck! I need to wake up!

Background; we both have SO, my situation with my SO is bad at the moment (LO knows this). He has a new girlfriend...

[Significant other]

Wellcome theorina38.Yes ,You are the perfect L (Limerent) case.
The larger the distance,the difficulty or the inappropriateness of the relationship with LO (Limerent Object-Male friend),the greatest is the emotional roller coaster of limerence.Produced by intrusive,obsessive thoughts,images,ideas...
Does this relationship affect the main one?What is your opinión of your SO?Do You have children?What would they think about this? Weigh the long-therm consecuences.
For me,It is about selfishness,narcissism on the part of the Ls,they play with an ace up their sleeve in the pocker game of their main relationship,they are a strange kind of cheats,and they deceived themselves without being able to prevent It.

[L-F]

Welcome theorina!

Many great threads to read. Lots of support here to help you navigate these tricky feelings.

Keep posting and reaching out. All the best and welcome welcome welcome!

[theorina38]

Does this relationship affect the main one?What is your opinión of your SO?Do You have children?What would they think about this? Weigh the long-therm consecuences.

That’s a good question, thanks for that!! I love my SO but why am I emotionally attached to, or even obsessed with, another person. Why do I get emotionally attached to someone so badly? I need to ask myself those hard personal questions.

(We’re childless and not married.)

[AMA210]

Hello and welcome to the forum.

There is the possibility that obsessive attachments to others develop when the other person fills in for what is lacking in the primary relationship.

Using myself as an example of this:
My ex-SO, who I was married to for 25 years, did not give me the attention that I needed and so, because of this lack, the LO gave it to me fully, and without any distraction.

Hope this helps.

[theorina38]

Hello and welcome to the forum.

There is the possibility that obsessive attachments to others develop when the other person fills in for what is lacking in the primary relationship.

Using myself as an example of this:
My ex-SO, who I was married to for 25 years, did not give me the attention that I needed and so, because of this lack, the LO gave it to me fully, and without any distraction.

Hope this helps.

Your advice is helpful. Thank you.

[AMA210]

Glad it helped.

So, now it may help to figure out what is missing in the primary relationship and what is being fulfilled by the LO.
Whether that be attention, physical attraction, etc, as well as the feelings associated with those.
Examples might be:
My LO values my opinions and this makes me feel good.

[Significant other]

Sometimes the reasons are other, in addition to filling a gap as a couple or individual:
Breaking the monotony, forcing SO to change, revenge for SO fliirtations,seeking adventure, freedom, independence, having fun, even abusing another person ...
There are also other more basic explanations, perpetuation of the species, genetic diversity, care of the offspring .....
And psychologically, failures, fixations, regressions in stages of our own early maturational psychosexual development

[Alice]

Sometimes the reasons are other, in addition to filling a gap as a couple or individual:
Breaking the monotony, forcing SO to change, revenge for SO fliirtations,seeking adventure, freedom, independence, having fun, even abusing another person ...
There are also other more basic explanations, perpetuation of the species, genetic diversity, care of the offspring .....
And psychologically, failures, fixations, regressions in stages of our own early maturational psychosexual development

I think all of these apply to me! No wonder I’ve got it bad. Knowledge is power though and I’ve spoken to my husband about the gaps in our marriage and that I’m bored to death. Together we want to work through it.
I too am completely hooked, but I hope that the more I can get from myself and my SO the less I will need to fill with LO...

[theorina38]

Breaking the monotony, yes.

I've been thinking about what my LO is to me.
I've been dealing with a lot the past year; stress, emotional upset. Many events that can alter the threshold of one's sensitivity to limerence.
LO shows me signs of attraction (flirtation), but he also listens and keeps asking more questions. He wants to keep the conversation going on and he is also showing me his vulnerable side. Maybe he is sincere. He is very empathetic compared to my SO.