I'm stuck. Help?!

[L-F]

What amazes me is that I have not always been limerant for him. It hit like a bolt of lightning - I see it now.

Limerence can happen at any given point in time in a relationship, even in an imaginary relationship. Sometimes it's at first glance (or via text, movie, etc), or after knowing someone for a length of time. IMO it's the result of a combination of neurobiological, genetic, behavioural, cognitive, and environmental factors that trigger the limerence episode in a specific individual at a particular point in time.

I think it's about my emotional life and it's not that much about him. But I do think feelings were kind of reciprocated at some time. He was attracted for sure, I don't think it was my brain playing tricks on me (he was single back then).

I agree. At some point they play a part, and that your brain isn't playing tricks. The only thing here is that there isn't any scientific proof to back this (that I can find). But that doesn't mean it's not true. I like to think it has something to do with transference/countertransference. It can get a bit woo-woo-ish. Incidentally, a lot of great theorists have many critics.

Sorry to hear his latest news is hard to see/hear. You are not alone facing this painful condition. We're all here to support you.

[theorina38]

Lots of wise comments and advice from you all. This forum has already greatly helped me. Thanks!!!

[theorina38]

OKAY help!
Any tips how to face LO after confessing your feelings?

I couldn’t stay away and we are supposed to meet - this is NOT a date and it’s not about sex eighter, we are longtime friends.
I’m still very embarassed about the text. I’m thinking everyone makes mistakes, and as far as mistakes go, an embarrassing text is a minor. It’s not like it’s hurting him in any way. But I am really afraid that I fail being a friend and end up feeling miserable again. How do I protect myself emotionally and honor the friendship role?

[AMA210]

It is what is is and really shouldn't be any embarrassment or regret on your part because you were just being honest.

Although, when in the grip of limerence, I think it's nearly impossible to be friends with the LO. There is a sub forum that addresses this.

[theorina38]

It is what is is and really shouldn't be any embarrassment or regret on your part because you were just being honest.

Although, when in the grip of limerence, I think it's nearly impossible to be friends with the LO. There is a sub forum that addresses this.

Thank you AMA210! I can’t find the sub forum? Is it Silver members only?

[Cookie]

How do I protect myself emotionally and honor the friendship role?

By being honest with yourself. Beyond the years invested, what makes him a good friend? If you were his new girlfriend, would you be okay with him meeting with you? Is your SO okay with it? I think a lot of times we try to convince ourselves of how "special" they are, but with more time and distance, the clearer it becomes that none of the perceived closeness was real. I'm still in disbelief that I perpetuated the fraud of it for so long. Ego.

[AMA210]

It is what is is and really shouldn't be any embarrassment or regret on your part because you were just being honest.

Although, when in the grip of limerence, I think it's nearly impossible to be friends with the LO. There is a sub forum that addresses this.

Thank you AMA210! I can’t find the sub forum? Is it Silver members only?

Oh goodness - there used to be a sub forum with that title, so apparently it was removed with all of the other changes. Apologizes for the mis-information.

Completely agree with Cookie's post!

[theorina38]

How do I protect myself emotionally and honor the friendship role?

By being honest with yourself. Beyond the years invested, what makes him a good friend? If you were his new girlfriend, would you be okay with him meeting with you? Is your SO okay with it? I think a lot of times we try to convince ourselves of how "special" they are, but with more time and distance, the clearer it becomes that none of the perceived closeness was real. I'm still in disbelief that I perpetuated the fraud of it for so long. Ego.

Cookie - you are so right. I've taken a few days to really think things over.

There's a connection in terms of getting along really well and sharing personal experiences, a feeling of having a lot in common. He is respectful and communicative and I am very comfortable around him. A great personality - I just care about him as a person.

And THEN the sad part. I like how he makes me feel. The things he says to me ”I can help you with that.” etc. Eye contact - way longer than normal.

Very possible that this is all just him being friendly - BUT I'm not sure if he is playing games with me. He seems like one of the good guys, very kind, but maybe he sensed my desperation and is manipulating me? To boost his ego.

There's no set blueprint or rule for whether male/female friendships are ok when you're in a relationship. He has a lot of female friends, a large social circle. But I have to say… I get it. The reality of watching our partner spend ‘alone time’ with someone of another gender… his gf ”He must be attracted to her to want to hang out with her”.

Maybe if he weren't close to me and if he ignored me, things would be better for me? Yeah, it's confusing and this is a hard part of the process.

[theorina38]

Okay I'm so angry now I'm shaking.

[Cookie]

Okay I'm so angry now I'm shaking.

Good. I mean, not good, sorry you feel this way, but GOOD. This is your soul waking up and doing a giant WTF?!??!?!?

Your phrase "one of the good guys" shook me too. My ex-LO--this last one--went to great lengths to demonstrate what a "good guy" he is. What an amazing friend to women, just soooo understanding and compassionate. Lots of "me too" stuff on social media. Barf. Behind the scenes, he treated his girlfriend like absolute shit and gaslighted the living daylights out of her. Still does, I guess. Kind of like, "Whut. Whut's the problem with me having so many female friends? Why can't I go on coffee dates with them while you're working to support my (unemployed) ass? What's YOUR problem?" In one of our last conversations, I told him I would no longer help him betray her.

Then I had to work on my own betrayal.

Stay ANGRY. Tell him to find another attention source. Tell him to FUCK OFF. You are getting your power back, theorina!!!!!!