I'm stuck. Help?!

[IvB]

Theorina, yes, it was the same to me. I have a low self confidence and LO showed attraction to me, gave me attention and admiration. I am doing my best to work on felling adequate and attractive on my own, without LO.

[Significant other]

Hello:
First of all, I want no one to feel personally alluded to. I am projecting, and transferring my own experience to others, (anger, pain, mistrust and uncertainty)
Many of the excuses that the LOs use are the lack of communication, empathy and sincerity in your main relationships or your SOs (also in my own case)
However, you hide from your SOs, your affairs.
Doesn't that sound narcissistic to you?
The healthy couple relationship is based on: Intimacy, commitment and love (care and sex)
I believe that the steps to take, with your SOs, are these:
1 Revelation, it is always better than the traumatic discovery (I say this from my own experience)
2 Regret, explain / speak
3 Ask for forgiveness
4 Negotiate solutions, implement them
5 Resolution

[mycorona]

I don't agree with any of those 5 steps Significant.
Limerence is not overcome by confessing, admitting guilt, promising to do better, or talking it out. It's much more complicated than that.
It's a mental condition that either yourself, time and personal work or the medical profession can (hopefully) eventually overcome.

My 2 cents.

[Significant other]

Limerence is an obsessive compulsive disorder, a fantasy, a dream, a lie and self-deception, flirting, infidelity (if there are SOs involved) even if it is emotional, from which it is very difficult to get out.
But it is also confusion and a good opportunity for personal and / or couple growth or to break up a failed couple, at least to unblock it.
But without sincerity it is very difficult to progress. You have to clarify ,and denial or displacement does not seem like the most adult options of coping.
Keep in mind that it is not only you and the LOs. We are also affected by SOs, and a lot.

[mycorona]

I understand that you believe this Significant, but you always fail to point out in your posts that "this is only your opinion". You regularly advise disclosure to SOs by Limerents. I know you believe in it - and it has worked for you, but you should not advise others to pursue a "fix" for themselves that could lead to far greater problems for their partnerships. Limerents have to come to these conclusions, to confess to their SO or not, from seeing and weighing all the options open to them. It's not just for the sake of keeping a precious secret that most LOs don't disclose to their SO, it is because of the additional hurt involved and the fact that they are placing a burden onto their partner's shoulders which is theirs to sort out first. I have no problem with people confessing to their SO but the consequences can be far reaching and should be given grave consideration. One size does not fit all.

[Significant other]

Okay Mycorona. We SOs see changes of mood, behavior in our partners, we ask, suspect, inquire or accidentally discover the LE ... What hurts the most is the secret, the lie, the non-exclusive sentimental,the violation of the intimacy of the couple.Much more than the fact in itself and its consequences, are things that happen, this is life and open to make decisions.
In the huge documentation, doctoral theses, written in magazines, articles, always done by professionals, psychologists and / or psychiatrists, there is talk of the freedom that each person has in reserving the truth of it, in couples therapy.
But the solution that I have seen in some example, is to hide the double life and give the SO at least everything that is given to LO ... For example, if you are going to have dinner with LO, you have to do the same with SO .....
It doesn't seem ideal, it seems absurd and totally unfair.
The therapist must work with the limerent, prepare him to face it with his partner. The rest is to postpone, deny, project the limerence onto SO ... etc ...
It's cheating playing solitaire.

[mycorona]

Ok Significant. All your points are well taken. You have obviously thought these things through and have come to good conclusions.
Blessings on your journey my friend.

[theorina38]

It's not just for the sake of keeping a precious secret that most LOs don't disclose to their SO, it is because of the additional hurt involved and the fact that they are placing a burden onto their partner's shoulders which is theirs to sort out first. I have no problem with people confessing to their SO but the consequences can be far reaching and should be given grave consideration. One size does not fit all.

I agree with you.

I DO feel guilt, and I suppose that is a good thing. I am thinking more about limerence itself than my actual LO, if that makes any sense? I hope it means progress.
But my behaviour does hint that I’m not that happy with my SO and it may be time to move on if we can’t fix things.

[IvB]

Agree with Mycorona. Significant, you see things from the other side but maybe not from ours? Adding to the guilt and pain I feel, I should also make my SO feel miserable? No, thank you.

[L-F]

It's true, if one discloses one must choose their words carefully. As much as I could have shared, I made sure to explain that limerence was about my upbringing and dysfunctional FOO, and it was a horrid mental condition no one wanted to be in. That was the way I chose to go. The entire time I was aware of harming SO, so I trod carefully, very carefully. That's not to say I hid anything per se, I mean, one cannot think they are gay without feeling sexually attracted to the same gender so the 'attraction' is apparent, however, never have I said wanted to f LOs brains out. Never. That's cruel.

So when we talk about disclosing, perhaps this should be unpacked further? It's certainly not a black and white matter.