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I'm stuck. Help?!

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
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theorina38
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Re: I'm stuck. Help?!

Post by theorina38 »

L-F wrote: Sun Jul 04, 2021 4:49 pm Sorry for hijacking thread theorina

As I mentioned Cookie, it's to see another perspective (which might help others).

Its not about saying both are narcissists and leaving it at that
Its about recognising the wounds you both share and moving forward
Seeing the mirror image is to see the sameness (same wounds - wound mates)
This grows compassion, kindness and empathy
This leads to forgiveness
This is not about LO, it's about the mirror image
Self

Forgiveness release oneself from the pain of being a victim
Hey no problem!

Wound mates, ouch! You are right on point.
"Trauma creates change you don't choose.
Healing creates changes you do choose."
– Michelle Rosenthal
theorina38
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Re: I'm stuck. Help?!

Post by theorina38 »

Cookie wrote: Thu Jul 01, 2021 2:45 pm
theorina38 wrote: Thu Jul 01, 2021 9:46 am Okay I'm so angry now I'm shaking.
Stay ANGRY. Tell him to find another attention source. Tell him to FUCK OFF. You are getting your power back, theorina!!!!!!
Telling him to fuck off is a brutal thing to do. Mature people do it differently. They have an honest conversation and then act accordingly.

I lost the anger and I don't think he is playing me. There are some things that can not be faked - empathy. He cares. I'm not going to cut ties, no. Not yet.

BUT I have to look after myself first and focus on my SO. Time does heal and there is no way around it.
"Trauma creates change you don't choose.
Healing creates changes you do choose."
– Michelle Rosenthal
L-F
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Re: I'm stuck. Help?!

Post by L-F »

theorina38 wrote: Mon Jul 05, 2021 11:10 am BUT I have to look after myself first and focus on my SO. Time does heal and there is no way around it.
I was reflecting on how you've been friends for 7 years and that you haven't always been limerent. That it hit you like a bolt of lightning. I wonder what was going on in your life at the time? No need to disclose, I'm thinking out loud. Something to reflect upon - could there have been a major incident occur for example a loss of some kind? Job loss, person, pet, moving house, health scare, identity change, lockdown (loss of freedom to move/express), etc... I would assume he didn't change (always been friends), yet something triggered the limerence.

In my situation, and according to my counsellor, LO seduced me. No surprise there. At the same time, I take full responsibility for my behaviour (I hold no bitterness towards LO). I was lacking self-awareness.

I hope you were able to meet without feeling embarrassed. I would have felt the same way had I disclosed to a friend. But then, looking back, I don't blame myself for any of the embarrassing things I did do, and there were plenty because I can see that I was continually learning and expanding (knowledge, awareness, empathy, etc). I look upon my mistakes with kindness the same way I would look upon a toddler learning new skills.

All the best moving forward.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
L-F
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Re: I'm stuck. Help?!

Post by L-F »

Have hummed and hawed for the last couple of days before actually deciding to post on this thread.

The above was posted prior to reading Cookie's, Mycarona's or JT's comments.

It's a pity Cookie won't be here to read this thread by David - why all those with limerence are narcissistic
https://www.limerence.net/forum/viewtop ... =45&t=7373 (regardless of it being mutual or not)

@Mycorona, 1. I don't dictate who can and cannot post here. Everyone posts of their own free will. 2. It's always nice to read someone else blame their LO because it makes us feel better. Blame appeases the ego. It means no inner work need be done because the focus is taken off the self and put on the other.


Sorry for hijacking again theorina.
1. My intentions are to support.
2. If you throw buckets of cold water but can't handle cold water thrown, then don't throw cold water.
3. Cookie, I do believe you brought up stages first stating that theorina wasn't at that stage, whatever stage that is, hence going with 'stages'. We are all at different stages, naturally.
4. If anyone is interested in going beyond the blame game to no longer be pained by someone else's reactions, perhaps consider subscribing and getting one-on-one support from David about how to get out of the Drama Triangle. It's worth it for peace of mind!
5. I don't dislike anyone or hold grudges. What I dislike are personal attacks yet not the person. Like I mentioned to David, we say the same things and he gets bouquets while I get brickbats. So from now on, I'm only going to quote David. All those with limerence are narcissistic (see thread above).
6. Yes, like anyone else, I have feelings. I am not without empathy, compassion and consideration.
7. Yes, I make mistakes. I think its safe to say we all do.
8. No, I'm not going to get drawn into the drama game and fire back needlessly with bitterness on my tongue, it's a waste of my energy and holding hatred only hurts me.
9. Yes, I'm still learning and will always remain learning.


And lastly, I want to talk about my experience of being seduced. What I mentioned in the post above I've never disclosed on here. I was subtly seduced for a year and at the end of the year, found myself limerent.

Now you might not think that's a big deal but here's the thing, it was strong enough to bend my sexual preferences (it has happened to others as well, so I'm not alone in this). Can you, the heterosexual / lesbian / ____ (fill in the blank) reader imagine being attracted to someone outside of your field of preference? Limerence is a powerful thing.

But. It's all about egos and at some point my ego loved being seduced / stroked. So, for that reason alone, I can not blame LO for being the seductress she was. Her narcissistic traits hooked mine. Mine. My ego lapped it up.

It took a gay counsellor to explain love languages, and even though we are all human, I believe men and women have different love languages. Being a heterosexual woman, I had no understanding of a woman's love language. Had LO been a man, I would have spotted his flirty overtones and put up barriers.
But here's another thing. Limerence is covert by nature. It weaves its magic until you find it hits you in the face. IMO.


Whatever your situation, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Like AMA's signature states - never give up!
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
mycorona
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Re: I'm stuck. Help?!

Post by mycorona »

Whatever you say L-F.

Just do me one favour stop saying David, David, David. He's here for everyone and no one else drops his name like you do.

Lets all get over ourselves. How about that?
Me: F
LO: M
Both Married
“Invisible Threads are the Strongest Ties” ― Friedrich Nietzsche
L-F
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Re: I'm stuck. Help?!

Post by L-F »

mycorona wrote: Wed Jul 14, 2021 7:38 pm Whatever you say L-F.

Just do me one favour stop saying David, David, David. He's here for everyone and no one else drops his name like you do.

Lets all get over ourselves. How about that?
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
L-F
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Re: I'm stuck. Help?!

Post by L-F »

1. It is Davids website
2. I quote, and will keep quoting David so I don't have to put up with the above
3. It's my prerogative to quote whomever I quote
4. You are right, he is here for everybody, you're more than welcome to quote him, or get involved on his threads - could this be a jealousy thing? :-??

Here's something I found useful that doesn't involve quoting David:
"Learning to pause. Ahhhh….I love this step. It’s such an important tool to add to one's tool belt. Pausing gives us an extra few seconds to allow ourselves to choose to respond rationally, whether we are in the heat of an argument, or simply muddling over a major decision. Speaking or reacting in haste can sometimes have a negative impact and it guarantees you will have to take care of the cleanup that will come later. Try to remember to never make long-term decisions when you’re feeling emotional. It’s not fair treatment to you, or anyone else. Take a minute, an hour, even a day if you need it. Mull over what the right thing is to say, then follow through with supportive actions".
https://goodmenproject.com/featured-con ... urity-h2l/
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
L-F
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Re: I'm stuck. Help?!

Post by L-F »

And no... Im not being condescending or sarcastic.

It is a tool I've used in the past to help 'slow' down my reactions to LO.

It is also a tool I use to this very day to respond to such comments.

It doesn't matter what people say about me, because I have only ever been who everyone has wanted me to be.

I have only wished, and still wish, every single limerent a healthy self-reflective journey out of lalaland.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
David
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Re: I'm stuck. Help?!

Post by David »

tThere is saying that goes:

"when its hysterical, its historical" Hysterical in this context means any strong reaction, feeling affronted, offended and so forth.

Any form of being triggered is a hysterical reaction to something historical. Yes the other person may be irritating, however there is still a deeper script running in your brain that is being "offended". That is your historical programming.

For anyone triggered by another either here or elsewhere, its worth going within to explore what part of your shadow (the parts we hide, deny and repress) that is being activated.

There are exceptions to this -
Purchase the 24 part video series on overcoming limerence - see https://limerence.thinkific.com/courses/healing-limerence
theorina38
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Re: I'm stuck. Help?!

Post by theorina38 »

L-F wrote: Tue Jul 06, 2021 12:33 am I was reflecting on how you've been friends for 7 years and that you haven't always been limerent. That it hit you like a bolt of lightning. I wonder what was going on in your life at the time? No need to disclose, I'm thinking out loud. Something to reflect upon - could there have been a major incident occur for example a loss of some kind? Job loss, person, pet, moving house, health scare, identity change, lockdown (loss of freedom to move/express), etc... I would assume he didn't change (always been friends), yet something triggered the limerence.
Yes, I had bumps in the road (and the pandemic played a part, too). I see it now, my mind was all over the place!!
L-F wrote: Tue Jul 06, 2021 12:33 am I hope you were able to meet without feeling embarrassed. I would have felt the same way had I disclosed to a friend.
I haven't met him. I texted him I was busy and he said the same. Acting distant is the best form of defense mechanism :)
I am feeling much better - BUT sometimes watching the ceiling and thinking about stupid stuff.

The text. Omg. I was able to laugh it off. It's just too funny I can't hold back!
"Trauma creates change you don't choose.
Healing creates changes you do choose."
– Michelle Rosenthal
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