Same complaint: "Thought Overlay"

[DreamingBlue]

Now that I'm getting better at dealing with intrusive thoughts (by treating them like a guest you hope will leave soon, by not engaging with them) I now have to deal with a thought that isn't just intrusive, it's all-encompassing. It's as if she's set up camp in my head. So no matter what I think about, it'll lead back to her. Ugh. Awful. Oh well, guess I just have to treat it in the same way.

[AMA210]

Yes, DB, the thoughts remain for a very long time.
I had asked David about this and will there ever be a future day that has no thoughts of the LO? His reply was along the lines of 2-3 years of NC should shut it down completely.

So, here I sit, at five years -- every damn day all of this time -- and my NC started over on June 6th, so fast forward to 2023, maybe?
I don't even want to think about this.

Although, I believe that when they come in as a thought or an external reminder, and if we don't dismiss it right away, then that just continues to manifest over and over again.
For me, a memory will get triggered and then there I sit reliving that...it's ridiculous. I have been trying really hard to bring that focus back to myself as soon as it comes in.

[peter.rabbit]

Yes, DB, the thoughts remain for a very long time.
I had asked David about this and will there ever be a future day that has no thoughts of the LO? His reply was along the lines of 2-3 years of NC should shut it down completely.

So, here I sit, at five years -- every damn day all of this time -- and my NC started over on June 6th, so fast forward to 2023, maybe?
I don't even want to think about this.

Although, I believe that when they come in as a thought or an external reminder, and if we don't dismiss it right away, then that just continues to manifest over and over again.
For me, a memory will get triggered and then there I sit reliving that...it's ridiculous. I have been trying really hard to bring that focus back to myself as soon as it comes in.

After my previous disastrous LE-PA-marriage-divorce it did take about 3 years to totally shutdown any and all feelings and thoughts of her.

[L-F]

I don't know how long it took me. I'm terrible at remembering dates, timelines, etc. Those things are irrelevant to me.

Now? Thoughts of LO are no different to thoughts of my first car, though I loved it, can't say I'm moved by the thought.

You'll get there! Eventually!

Fingers crossed don't find another one! Now that would be a hassle.

[AMA210]

@Peter rabbit: "After my previous disastrous LE-PA-marriage-divorce it did take about 3 years to totally shutdown any and all feelings and thoughts of her."

Thanks so much for sharing this. At least I have some idea of the amount of time involved here. I would imagine that the more positive things that you add to your life, the focus on LO lessens gradually until it reaches zero.

I am just beginning to do this now, so I believe it will continue -- still difficult though.

[DreamingBlue]

AMA, I am so sorry. And I seriously hope I am not giving that much mind space and time to LO. I don't think I can do it.
My life will be ruined, or at least my marriage will be. I hate living with this secret. (Wife believes I got over her months ago.)

My last LO, a coworker, was easy to get over. Lasted about a year and a half. After that, she was just a human I saw every day.
She was no longer a savior figure or dream woman. I was completely over her, relatively fast.

This LO is an idea. She's cast in dreams, she's seen only in perfect light.Our two meetings, and endless DMs on Insta, endless posts with her looking like a movie star/model that I have to interpret and dream about. Endless times I've spent alone, looking in the mirror, asking why I'm not good enough for her or why this dream couldn't come true. (I know why, because it's a fantasy, and I live in a real, actual life.)

All I can do I guess is work on radical acceptance, mindfulness, and maybe get treated with something drastic like psychedelics. More on that later.

[AMA210]

Thanks, DB.
It’s the processing stage I’m in now and actually, view it completely different than even last year.

It seems that the fantasy flourishes more readily when the LO is aesthetically appealing. They just hit all of those attraction points.
It was always difficult for me to accept the person behind that and my beliefs around physical beauty changed quite a lot.

Of course beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

[DreamingBlue]

She's literally a gorgeous, working model and actress. It's nuts. She's the stuff of my dreams, and looks like what my brain would output when asked "What is the perfect woman?"

[IvB]

DB I understand your question "why this dream couldn't come true". I too was thinking how can I even live further if I don't get to have my LO whom I want so desperately.
Then I realized the answer (the answer for me, not for everyone) - simply because I can't have everything I want in life! See, my life has always been so easy, since childhood, everything was good, safe, peaceful, going as it should - family, school, work, health...even my SO whom I was badly limerent for for years in the end fell in love with me. So anything I ever wanted came to me without any struggle. I realize that I am so much luckier than most people. So it was such a new thing, to want something and this time really not be able to have it. Such a revelation but in a sense it's liberating - for once suffer like the "ordinary" people, this is just how life goes, I can NOT have everything.

[DreamingBlue]

Yes, what a simple, valuable lesson.