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Disclosing feelings to an affair partner(AP) / LO

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AMA210
Posts: 2385
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
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Re: Disclosing feelings to an affair partner(AP) / LO

Post by AMA210 »

@virusbkk - the link that you provided was very useful and informational. Thank you for posting it. :D

A lot of what I read resonated with me and I was the anxious attached and LO the avoidant.
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
virusbkk
Posts: 92
Joined: Sun Jun 06, 2021 7:37 am
Hong Kong

Re: Disclosing feelings to an affair partner(AP) / LO

Post by virusbkk »

David wrote: Wed Jul 28, 2021 8:26 am
virusbkk wrote: Wed Jul 28, 2021 4:44 am
The phantom ex It is quite a fascinating read, you can checkout the section at the link below:
https://www.freetoattach.com/dating
It is basically a subconscious mechanism that avoidants use to create emotional distance in the current relationship.
AKA Alpha widows.
I have never heard of that phrase before - interesting read as well.
Sounds very similar to a phantom ex,
although I guess phantom ex is specifically used in context with avoidant personalities.
AMA210 wrote: Wed Jul 28, 2021 1:45 pm @virusbkk - the link that you provided was very useful and informational. Thank you for posting it. :D

A lot of what I read resonated with me and I was the anxious attached and LO the avoidant.
No problem.
Attachment styles are fluid and can change depending on the person.
I am a secure/DA and my SO is anxious.
My LO/ex-AP was most likely a DA, and she triggered my anxious side - limerence is probably what triggered it.
L-F
Posts: 4500
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Re: Disclosing feelings to an affair partner(AP) / LO

Post by L-F »

virusbkk wrote: Thu Jul 29, 2021 2:25 am Attachment styles are fluid and can change depending on the person.
I am a secure/DA and my SO is anxious.
My LO/ex-AP was most likely a DA, and she triggered my anxious side - limerence is probably what triggered it.
DA? Disorganised attachment or Dismissive-Avoidant?
https://www.simplypsychology.org/attachment-styles.html

LO might have triggered your anxious side and I'm wondering if SO triggers your avoidant side?
Some limerents don't tend to want to disclose their limerence to their SO due to fear of rejection, the same way an avoidant reacts. People who suffer from APD have a crippling sensitivity to rejection.
And if this is true for you, then it reiterates the mirror principle (pretty sure you've mentioned LO being avoidant?).

So good to have grown up convo's without people freaking out. Really appreciate the open honest conversations and people's willingness (including moi), to look at themselves and see their own triggers/faults. That's where the healing comes in, imo. You cannot heal what will not be acknowledged. It takes courage to be radically honest with oneself.

And.

It should be noramisiled. There is no shame here. We're all wounded in one way or another because we're all limerents.
I pretty sure I'm a bit of everything.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
Maddie
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Re: Disclosing feelings to an affair partner(AP) / LO

Post by Maddie »

virusbkk wrote: Thu Jul 22, 2021 3:26 am
Decisions based on a chemical cocktail inside the brain instead of logic,
can have far reaching consequences.


Overthinking and rumination are unavoidable consequences,
but maintaining a journal, religiously following NC and distractions help to keep the mind focused on recovery.
I couldn't agree more, and I like this plan. I have been reading a few a your posts and they are helpful to me, in fact, more that I can express. I am, like a lot of people, (I'm sure) dealing with the psychological consequences after the limerence shenanigans. it's a God send to know I'm not alone.
I am indeed in NC and have been for about one year. I can at least be proud of myself for this!! Thx so very much for posting and I wish you much success on your continued recovery :)
I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.

F. Scott Fitzgerald
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Disclosing feelings to an affair partner(AP) / LO

Post by L-F »

Maddie any advice to others about when you decided to go NC? I recall this was something you felt you couldn't do, so to might be helpful for others who say they can't go NC.
What was the turning point?
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
virusbkk
Posts: 92
Joined: Sun Jun 06, 2021 7:37 am
Hong Kong

Re: Disclosing feelings to an affair partner(AP) / LO

Post by virusbkk »

Maddie wrote: Thu Jul 29, 2021 7:50 pm
virusbkk wrote: Thu Jul 22, 2021 3:26 am
Decisions based on a chemical cocktail inside the brain instead of logic,
can have far reaching consequences.


Overthinking and rumination are unavoidable consequences,
but maintaining a journal, religiously following NC and distractions help to keep the mind focused on recovery.

I couldn't agree more, and I like this plan. I have been reading a few a your posts and they are helpful to me, in fact, more that I can express. I am, like a lot of people, (I'm sure) dealing with the psychological consequences after the limerence shenanigans. it's a God send to know I'm not alone.
I am indeed in NC and have been for about one year. I can at least be proud of myself for this!! Thx so very much for posting and I wish you much success on your continued recovery :)
Thanks for your wishes and the same to you
L-F wrote: Thu Jul 29, 2021 10:54 am
virusbkk wrote: Thu Jul 29, 2021 2:25 am Attachment styles are fluid and can change depending on the person.
I am a secure/DA and my SO is anxious.
My LO/ex-AP was most likely a DA, and she triggered my anxious side - limerence is probably what triggered it.
DA? Disorganised attachment or Dismissive-Avoidant?
https://www.simplypsychology.org/attachment-styles.html

LO might have triggered your anxious side and I'm wondering if SO triggers your avoidant side?
Some limerents don't tend to want to disclose their limerence to their SO due to fear of rejection, the same way an avoidant reacts. People who suffer from APD have a crippling sensitivity to rejection.
And if this is true for you, then it reiterates the mirror principle (pretty sure you've mentioned LO being avoidant?).

So good to have grown up convo's without people freaking out. Really appreciate the open honest conversations and people's willingness (including moi), to look at themselves and see their own triggers/faults. That's where the healing comes in, imo. You cannot heal what will not be acknowledged. It takes courage to be radically honest with oneself.

And.

It should be noramisiled. There is no shame here. We're all wounded in one way or another because we're all limerents.
I pretty sure I'm a bit of everything.
Dismissive Avoidant (DA).
FYI, disorganised attachment is abbreviated as Fearful Avoidant (FA).

And yes, SO triggers my DA side, because she is Anxious Preoccupied.
When we first started dating 10 years ago, she was quite clingy - always wanted to chat/video call and be together all the time.
She would start complaining if I wasn't spending enough time with her that would lead to small arguments.
I believe the "Anxious-Avoidant Dance" is what kept our relationship going for a long period.
Image

LO was exactly the opposite, with typical DA traits - fiercely independent, almost never initiated physical touch/affection, phantom ex etc.
That coupled with limerence is probably what triggered my anxious side.

However, I didn't really act on these triggers, whereas I believe she did i.e. avoidant freakout after our weekend getaway.
I think the fear of being engulfed by a relationship, the potential commitment and diffuse emotions made her panic and ultimately, bail.
This was supported by the fact that when triggered in the initial dating stages,
most DA's exit relationships at around the 2 month mark.
That is EXACTLY what she did (@1 month and 55 days to be precise)

There were probably other factors that I conveniently chose to ignore
e.g. she really wasn't that into me, lack of attraction,
but those are not really attachment-related.
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Disclosing feelings to an affair partner(AP) / LO

Post by L-F »

virusbkk wrote: Fri Jul 30, 2021 3:06 am Dismissive Avoidant (DA).
FYI, disorganised attachment is abbreviated as Fearful Avoidant (FA).

And yes, SO triggers my DA side, because she is Anxious Preoccupied.
When we first started dating 10 years ago, she was quite clingy - always wanted to chat/video call and be together all the time.
She would start complaining if I wasn't spending enough time with her that would lead to small arguments.
I believe the "Anxious-Avoidant Dance" is what kept our relationship going for a long period.
Image

LO was exactly the opposite, with typical DA traits - fiercely independent, almost never initiated physical touch/affection, phantom ex etc.
That coupled with limerence is probably what triggered my anxious side.

However, I didn't really act on these triggers, whereas I believe she did i.e. avoidant freakout after our weekend getaway.
I think the fear of being engulfed by a relationship, the potential commitment and diffuse emotions made her panic and ultimately, bail.
This was supported by the fact that when triggered in the initial dating stages,
most DA's exit relationships at around the 2 month mark.
That is EXACTLY what she did (@1 month and 55 days to be precise)

There were probably other factors that I conveniently chose to ignore
e.g. she really wasn't that into me, lack of attraction,
but those are not really attachment-related.
Any chance of working on DA issues with SO? As in, letting SO in on this?
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
virusbkk
Posts: 92
Joined: Sun Jun 06, 2021 7:37 am
Hong Kong

Re: Disclosing feelings to an affair partner(AP) / LO

Post by virusbkk »

L-F wrote: Fri Jul 30, 2021 3:31 am
Any chance of working on DA issues with SO? As in, letting SO in on this?
Letting SO in on? You mean disclosing the affair to her?
If yes, not at this stage - whenever I feel the time is right.
She makes jabs every so often about the "other girl", in a tongue-in-cheek manner.
It's her way of saying "In the absence of evidence, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt"

If you're referring to letting the SO in on the attachment issues between us,
I've already done that - she understands her anxious side, and that has gradually abated,
over the 10 year period- we are predominantly secure with each other now.
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Disclosing feelings to an affair partner(AP) / LO

Post by L-F »

virusbkk wrote: Fri Jul 30, 2021 6:45 am over the 10 year period- we are predominantly secure with each other now.
@-)

No I'm not talking about disclosing the affair, it would take a secure person within themselves and within the marriage to do that.

What I'm talking about is working out marital issues so that you don't feel the need to cheat.
In other words, work out why you cheated and work together to overcome the issues that drove you to cheat.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
mycorona
Posts: 259
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Gender:
Great Britain

Re: Disclosing feelings to an affair partner(AP) / LO

Post by mycorona »

L-F wrote..."What I'm talking about is working out marital issues so that you don't feel the need to cheat. In other words, work out why you cheated and work together to overcome the issues that drove you to cheat...."
I personally don't think Limerence has anything to do with "marital issues". It's more to do with a particular turn of mind and unmet issues stemming from "who knows what or where" in the limerent. I know my brainstorm, for want of a better description, had nothing at all to do with my SO and my relationship with him. It only has to do with me and my inability to commit to that person through my whole lifetime. Physical commitment was not something I ever wanted with SO - though I didn't realise that until much later in the relationship. But I never "felt the need to cheat" there was just an underlying unhappiness there all along that simply rumbled along for years. If that's there, then you cannot work anything out. If you don't really want that commitment then nothing SO does or says and nothing you do or say can change anything. You cannot talk yourself into happiness. Looking back we can all say we shoulda, coulda and woulda done x,y and z but hindsight is a great thing!

Edited for spelling!!!
Me: F
LO: M
Both Married
“Invisible Threads are the Strongest Ties” ― Friedrich Nietzsche
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