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Disclosing feelings to an affair partner(AP) / LO

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L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Disclosing feelings to an affair partner(AP) / LO

Post by L-F »

Correct me if I'm wrong Peter, isn't your 3rd (or is that 4th?) wife also your LO? And if so, was your first wife an LO?

If I was a man with more than one wife and more than one LO, I'd sign myself up to one of Davids 'man groups' and run the hell away from all women. I'd rather be a happy healthy single old man happily playing a banjo deep in a forest somewhere.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
peter.rabbit
Posts: 450
Joined: Wed Jul 24, 2019 12:27 am
United States of America

Re: Disclosing feelings to an affair partner(AP) / LO

Post by peter.rabbit »

virusbkk wrote: Tue Jul 27, 2021 9:31 am Wow, that is some trip.
Looking back, do you feel it was worth leaving your wife for the LO?
No, so much damage done to all involved. However, leaving the wife was a long time coming, some even suggest that the affair+marriage+divorce of the LO was a transitional relationship.
Urban Dictionary definition:
A affair in which one or both people have recently come out of a painful divorce/long-term relationship; somewhat of a "practice run" for the next serious relationship.
L-F wrote: Tue Jul 27, 2021 11:00 am My money is on the answer: NO!
Yes, NO to the LO, yes to the inevitable breakup of a long term marriage that should never have been.
Weak people revenge.
Strong people forgive.
Intelligent people ignore.
-Albert Einstein
peter.rabbit
Posts: 450
Joined: Wed Jul 24, 2019 12:27 am
United States of America

Re: Disclosing feelings to an affair partner(AP) / LO

Post by peter.rabbit »

L-F wrote: Tue Jul 27, 2021 11:04 am Correct me if I'm wrong Peter, isn't your 3rd (or is that 4th?) wife also your LO? And if so, was your first wife an LO?
First wife was not an LO by any definition, she stepped out of the marriage and cheated not quite 2 years in, for whatever reason. Wife #2 was a rebound situation, we married a week after my divorce from wife #1. Wife #3 was the LO. I'm presently married to my 4th(and last!) wife, these past 18 years.
L-F wrote: Tue Jul 27, 2021 11:04 amIf I was a man with more than one wife and more than one LO, I'd sign myself up to one of Davids 'man groups' and run the hell away from all women. I'd rather be a happy healthy single old man happily playing a banjo deep in a forest somewhere.
LOL, I've been told I should swear off women. My maternal grandfather became a hermit and spent his last years "happily playing a banjo deep in a forest somewhere" ...in the Blue Ridge Mountains of North Carolina.
Weak people revenge.
Strong people forgive.
Intelligent people ignore.
-Albert Einstein
virusbkk
Posts: 92
Joined: Sun Jun 06, 2021 7:37 am
Hong Kong

Re: Disclosing feelings to an affair partner(AP) / LO

Post by virusbkk »

[q
peter.rabbit wrote: Tue Jul 27, 2021 10:50 pm
virusbkk wrote: Tue Jul 27, 2021 9:31 am Wow, that is some trip.
Looking back, do you feel it was worth leaving your wife for the LO?
No, so much damage done to all involved. However, leaving the wife was a long time coming, some even suggest that the affair+marriage+divorce of the LO was a transitional relationship.
Urban Dictionary definition:
A affair in which one or both people have recently come out of a painful divorce/long-term relationship; somewhat of a "practice run" for the next serious relationship.
L-F wrote: Tue Jul 27, 2021 11:00 am My money is on the answer: NO!
Yes, NO to the LO, yes to the inevitable breakup of a long term marriage that should never have been.
Do you think that limerence played a part in making you believe that the LO was a suitable partner?
Last edited by virusbkk on Wed Jul 28, 2021 4:39 am, edited 2 times in total.
peter.rabbit
Posts: 450
Joined: Wed Jul 24, 2019 12:27 am
United States of America

Re: Disclosing feelings to an affair partner(AP) / LO

Post by peter.rabbit »

virusbkk wrote: Wed Jul 28, 2021 2:21 am
peter.rabbit wrote: Tue Jul 27, 2021 10:50 pm
virusbkk wrote: Tue Jul 27, 2021 9:31 am Wow, that is some trip.
Looking back, do you feel it was worth leaving your wife for the LO?
No, so much damage done to all involved. However, leaving the wife was a long time coming, some even suggest that the affair+marriage+divorce of the LO was a transitional relationship.
Urban Dictionary definition:
A affair in which one or both people have recently come out of a painful divorce/long-term relationship; somewhat of a "practice run" for the next serious relationship.
L-F wrote: Tue Jul 27, 2021 11:00 am My money is on the answer: NO!
Yes, NO to the LO, yes to the inevitable breakup of a long term marriage that should never have been.
So if I understand you correctly, leaving the wife was the correct thing to do,
but getting into a relationship with the LO was a bad decision?

I'm trying to understand whether limerence played a part in making you believe that the LO was a suitable partner?
The marriage breakup was due to factors that were in motion long before the LE. In retrospect, I'd say that limerence did indeed lead me to believe that the LO was suitable. Getting into a relationship with her was a very bad idea. She wasn't just a "run of the mill" LO, she was(I believe it's fair to say) a genuine narcissistic, sociopathic predator. I had a lengthy conversation with a deputy sheriff / co-worker who married & divorced her after I did. He asked me if I thought that she was just evil. I was reluctant to categorize her as evil at that time, but over time my view of her has evolved.
Weak people revenge.
Strong people forgive.
Intelligent people ignore.
-Albert Einstein
virusbkk
Posts: 92
Joined: Sun Jun 06, 2021 7:37 am
Hong Kong

Re: Disclosing feelings to an affair partner(AP) / LO

Post by virusbkk »

peter.rabbit wrote: Wed Jul 28, 2021 4:10 am
virusbkk wrote: Wed Jul 28, 2021 2:21 am
peter.rabbit wrote: Tue Jul 27, 2021 10:50 pm
No, so much damage done to all involved. However, leaving the wife was a long time coming, some even suggest that the affair+marriage+divorce of the LO was a transitional relationship.
Urban Dictionary definition:

Yes, NO to the LO, yes to the inevitable breakup of a long term marriage that should never have been.
So if I understand you correctly, leaving the wife was the correct thing to do,
but getting into a relationship with the LO was a bad decision?

I'm trying to understand whether limerence played a part in making you believe that the LO was a suitable partner?
The marriage breakup was due to factors that were in motion long before the LE. In retrospect, I'd say that limerence did indeed lead me to believe that the LO was suitable. Getting into a relationship with her was a very bad idea. She wasn't just a "run of the mill" LO, she was(I believe it's fair to say) a genuine narcissistic, sociopathic predator. I had a lengthy conversation with a deputy sheriff / co-worker who married & divorced her after I did. He asked me if I thought that she was just evil. I was reluctant to categorize her as evil at that time, but over time my view of her has evolved.
It seems most LO's are narcissistic and self-centred.
I think that is because limerence is self-serving, so we are subconsciously attracted to people with similar traits.

And do you believe it was a rebound / transitional relationship?
I guess it maybe possible, but depends on how recently separated/divorced the LO was when you got entangled with her.

In my case, LO was single for more than a year when I started the affair with her,
but I think she had a whole "phantom ex" thing going on, which is something fairly common with avoidant people.

The phantom ex It is quite a fascinating read, you can checkout the section at the link below:
https://www.freetoattach.com/dating
It is basically a subconscious mechanism that avoidants use to create emotional distance in the current relationship.
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Disclosing feelings to an affair partner(AP) / LO

Post by L-F »

virusbkk wrote: Wed Jul 28, 2021 4:44 am It seems most LO's are narcissistic and self-centred.
I think that is because limerence is self-serving, so we are subconsciously attracted to people with similar traits.
Phew! ... So glad you brought that up.
100% :-bd

Peter, hopefully your 3rd and 4th wife got you over your 2nd one. Sounds like it wasn't a good fit. But then, so does wife 1 & 3.
Hoping things going well with SO at the moment.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Disclosing feelings to an affair partner(AP) / LO

Post by L-F »

virusbkk wrote: Wed Jul 28, 2021 4:44 am The phantom ex It is quite a fascinating read, you can checkout the section at the link below:
https://www.freetoattach.com/dating
It is basically a subconscious mechanism that avoidants use to create emotional distance in the current relationship.
Interesting! Thanks for sharing. I reckon, just my view, that most limerents are avoidant. Again, just my view.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
David
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Re: Disclosing feelings to an affair partner(AP) / LO

Post by David »

L-F wrote: Wed Jul 28, 2021 4:58 am Interesting! Thanks for sharing. I reckon, just my view, that most limerents are avoidant. Again, just my view.
My clinical experience concurs with that. And some maybe anxious/avoidant, sometimes called disorganised attachment.
Purchase the 24 part video series on overcoming limerence - see https://limerence.thinkific.com/courses/healing-limerence
David
Site Admin
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Location: London UK
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Re: Disclosing feelings to an affair partner(AP) / LO

Post by David »

virusbkk wrote: Wed Jul 28, 2021 4:44 am
The phantom ex It is quite a fascinating read, you can checkout the section at the link below:
https://www.freetoattach.com/dating
It is basically a subconscious mechanism that avoidants use to create emotional distance in the current relationship.
AKA Alpha widows.
Purchase the 24 part video series on overcoming limerence - see https://limerence.thinkific.com/courses/healing-limerence
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