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Temptation level peaking!

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DreamingBlue
Posts: 224
Joined: Fri Dec 11, 2020 11:33 pm
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Temptation level peaking!

Post by DreamingBlue »

Crap! I have been traveling, to places meaningful to me, reuniting with family and friends. It really filled up my cup and led to some of the longest stretches of not thinking about LO in a year and a half. Utter bliss.

Have been faithful to NC. My most direct route to visual crack of LO would be to look at her boyfriend's page. I've unfollowed her private and her public one is barely updated. I've avoided it, but right now? I am dying to take a look. It might be that I am about to return home. To unemployment/job search. Responsibilities, and, the house where I've had an LE for the past 1 1/2 years. Vacation is over and real life is back. Maybe I'm looking to jump into that escape pod again? Get some dopamine hits to fight the blues?

I don't know, but man it's hard. Ugh.
AMA210
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Re: Temptation level peaking!

Post by AMA210 »

DreamingBlue wrote: Sun Jul 25, 2021 8:55 pm Crap! I have been traveling, to places meaningful to me, reuniting with family and friends. It really filled up my cup and led to some of the longest stretches of not thinking about LO in a year and a half. Utter bliss.

Have been faithful to NC. My most direct route to visual crack of LO would be to look at her boyfriend's page. I've unfollowed her private and her public one is barely updated. I've avoided it, but right now? I am dying to take a look. It might be that I am about to return home. To unemployment/job search. Responsibilities, and, the house where I've had an LE for the past 1 1/2 years. Vacation is over and real life is back. Maybe I'm looking to jump into that escape pod again? Get some dopamine hits to fight the blues?

I don't know, but man it's hard. Ugh.
Hi DB,

I may have to borrow your term "visual crack", as I never knew quite how to describe that, and this fits that perfectly, so thanks for sharing! :D

Over the past several weeks, I've been living in reality, and I must say it sucks! Big time. Logically, my mind understands all of it and I know that it is not possible to have a healthy relationship with either LO or the ex-SO. With LO, there is the physical and soulmate/woundmate connections, but no mental or emotional. He is completely shut down from his emotions and takes no responsibility. With the ex-SO, there was the physical (but is no more) and the emotional has improved, but no soul or mental. The reality is that I have to let go of both of them.
Although, my heart is not aligned with my mind, and so I continue to hold onto LO. I don't know at what point that my heart will be ok with letting go.
The other day I was thinking about why it is so hard to let them both go and an honest reason was because I am afraid that if I do that, no one else will come in to fill those voids and I will die alone. That is one harsh reality!

It seems that the "visual crack" then causes me to reminisce and re-live all of those memories with LO. They are still powerful as all hell, and it may very well be that this continues to trigger the dopamine. Oddly enough, though, the memories with ex-SO are so much more, over the span over 30+ years, but I would rather re-visit the ones with LO. I'm not sure why this is, but it might be because LO had such a great impact on my life and caused so many changes within myself and that ex-SO didn't.

I am currently stuck in the past probably because the reality of the present sucks! 8-|
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
DreamingBlue
Posts: 224
Joined: Fri Dec 11, 2020 11:33 pm
United States of America

Re: Temptation level peaking!

Post by DreamingBlue »

I can see that.

Mine makes less sense, because LO is merely an avatar to me. She, her beauty, represents something to me that I have been able to ridiculously extrapolate into her being the most perfect partner for me that could ever exist. Our almost entire relationship took place online. I have been in her presence two times total.

For 22 years, SO has been such a sweet source of warmth and familial love to me, but I met LO at a time when I was feeling ancillary in my house. I was like the family chef. Feeling neglected, and also, feeling not entirely intellectually/creatively connected to SO has been a building problem for me. It's usually been okay, I get that stimulation from other people, but when I met LO, it was as if the seas parted and a huge sign over her said "this way to happiness." Just for that feeling, that mix of brain chemicals, I've been burdened, for over a year and a half, with the sneaking suspicion that I missed out on the love of my life, and am trapped in the wrong marriage. (This is relationship OCD I am sure.)

All this despite LO not having the same interest in me, and the fact that I do love SO and would bring on a truly disastrous world of pain and emotional/financial ruin were I to pursue this or convince myself I had to simply separate to go on my own.
L-F
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Re: Temptation level peaking!

Post by L-F »

DreamingBlue wrote: Mon Jul 26, 2021 7:34 pm would bring on a truly disastrous world of pain and emotional/financial ruin were I to pursue this or convince myself I had to simply separate to go on my own.
Hi DB

In general, do you think fear stops limerents from pursuing an authentic life?

AMA if you can overcome your fear of being alone, you open the gates to finding the right person. When we hold ourselves prisoners of the past or cling to fantasies about LO, we're sending signals to the universe that we're not ready to receive the blessings that await us.

Highly recommended checking out Martha Beck's book 'The way of integrity' for all limerents. Won't solve limerence, but it might help those who feel trapped to free themselves.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
AMA210
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Re: Temptation level peaking!

Post by AMA210 »

Thanks for the recommendation, L-F. I will definitely check it out!

Yes, you were correct in saying that that is the message I am sending out. I am simply not ready for that blessing, yet. Someday, I hope to be. I want to have that and I know it's possible.

Sometimes it seems I have let LO go a thousand times, and yet it remains. Today I thought about who is going first, and it has to be the ex-SO because that is the easier of the two. I had wondered why it was this way. The ex is at 35 years and the LO at 5. It has to be with emotional attachment, so with LO as avoidant and myself as anxious, those are opposites, but with ex-SO he is mostly anxious, same as me.
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
AMA210
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Re: Temptation level peaking!

Post by AMA210 »

DreamingBlue wrote: Mon Jul 26, 2021 7:34 pm I can see that.

Mine makes less sense, because LO is merely an avatar to me. She, her beauty, represents something to me that I have been able to ridiculously extrapolate into her being the most perfect partner for me that could ever exist. Our almost entire relationship took place online. I have been in her presence two times total.

For 22 years, SO has been such a sweet source of warmth and familial love to me, but I met LO at a time when I was feeling ancillary in my house. I was like the family chef. Feeling neglected, and also, feeling not entirely intellectually/creatively connected to SO has been a building problem for me. It's usually been okay, I get that stimulation from other people, but when I met LO, it was as if the seas parted and a huge sign over her said "this way to happiness." Just for that feeling, that mix of brain chemicals, I've been burdened, for over a year and a half, with the sneaking suspicion that I missed out on the love of my life, and am trapped in the wrong marriage. (This is relationship OCD I am sure.)

All this despite LO not having the same interest in me, and the fact that I do love SO and would bring on a truly disastrous world of pain and emotional/financial ruin were I to pursue this or convince myself I had to simply separate to go on my own.
Are you referring to physical beauty or personality or both?
I didn't realize that you were with the LO only twice. Damn. Although, for my two cents worth on that, most of the people who I had friendships with online never became actual friendships in the real world. I think people can show whatever side of themselves they want and even if its really different than they actually are in an effort to gain attention and favor from the other person. Again, just my experiences. I'm on the flip side of that and I am the same person, either online or off.

Making the decision to leave and/or get divorced is not an easy one, and it can never be for the reason of being with the LO. I know because I made that decision because I was miserable in that marriage, and especially within the five years prior to meeting LO. It was the right decision for me, and if I had stayed to avoid the emotional pain, another LO would have showed up, I'm sure.
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
DreamingBlue
Posts: 224
Joined: Fri Dec 11, 2020 11:33 pm
United States of America

Re: Temptation level peaking!

Post by DreamingBlue »

Both.

And L-F - I don't know. I thought I was living an authentic life! SO isn't the 100% match in every facet of personality for me, but my god she has been wonderful. Love of my life, hands down. How some chemical reactions could almost undo 22 years of happiness is terrifying to me.
L-F
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Re: Temptation level peaking!

Post by L-F »

DreamingBlue wrote: Tue Jul 27, 2021 4:56 am How some chemical reactions could almost undo 22 years of happiness is terrifying to me.
Right! Downright scary.

Love and support to you and AMA. Limerence sure is a battlefield.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
AMA210
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Re: Temptation level peaking!

Post by AMA210 »

DreamingBlue wrote: Tue Jul 27, 2021 4:56 am Both.

And L-F - I don't know. I thought I was living an authentic life! SO isn't the 100% match in every facet of personality for me, but my god she has been wonderful. Love of my life, hands down. How some chemical reactions could almost undo 22 years of happiness is terrifying to me.
Thanks DB.
I will play devil's advocate here by asking you to be honest with your answer - not on here, per se, but with yourself. Can you say that you have experienced 22 years of happiness? I have heard this before, not just from you, and would apply to myself also. IMO, blissful happiness all of the time is just not possible in any relationship with another. Perhaps possible in the relationship with oneself.

I had 28 years of happiness...bullshit...I didn't realize how unhappy and lonely I truly was until LO showed up. I think that eventually I would have reached that decision to leave on my own, so he just moved that along at a faster rate. I am a firm believer that if everything was fine and dandy, the lure of the LO or anyone else for that matter would not exist, period.
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
DreamingBlue
Posts: 224
Joined: Fri Dec 11, 2020 11:33 pm
United States of America

Re: Temptation level peaking!

Post by DreamingBlue »

Not endless, constant happiness, but yes, these years of marriage and raising a family together have been deeply meaningful and rewarding and filled with love.

And I disagree. I think limerence can grab you at any time.
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