Temptation level peaking!

[DreamingBlue]

But you really do have me thinking, and so does this damn limerence, about my SO. How much have my needs been unmet sexually, (we have a great loving sex life, I'm just much dirtier than her so there are things that are off limits, sadly) intellectually, artisitically (she likes mainstream stuff and I go more esoteric). But I have to remember to not cast a new judgement or blanket statement about her or us while neurochemicals in my brain are doing backflips. This is the "rewriting history" part and the "cognitive dissonance" that is hallmark to limerence.

But I appreciate the challenge. I need to come out of this with a better sense of what I need - and what I need to give my SO. I'm not throwing it away for a woman l I met on fucking Instagram, no matter how much she blows my mind.

[L-F]

I'm going to throw a few thoughts in too...

And L-F - I don't know. I thought I was living an authentic life! SO isn't the 100% match in every facet of personality for me, but my god she has been wonderful. Love of my life, hands down.

You probably are with SO, but perhaps not with yourself? And if you aren't, then this spills over into other relationships, ever so gently that it takes a lot of soul searching and honesty to notice. BUT... all is not lost regardless of feeling genuine or happy. In other words, you can be happily unhappy, imo, which brings authenticity (more on this later).

I agree with AMA that you cannot be 100% happily married all of the time, regardless of being married to SO, a soulmate or twin flame.

I am a firm believer that if everything was fine and dandy, the lure of the LO or anyone else for that matter would not exist, period.

True

And I disagree. I think limerence can grab you at any time.

Also true

But I appreciate the challenge. I need to come out of this with a better sense of what I need - and what I need to give my SO. I'm not throwing it away for a woman l I met on fucking Instagram, no matter how much she blows my mind.

It takes a brave person to consider their own needs.
It takes an unselfish person to consider the needs of their partner.
I applaud your approach to limerence.
There is no need to rush into decision making, imo.

You can take a psychoanalytic approach or a neuroscientific approach, a holistic approach, a spiritual approach, etc, or a combination of different approaches. It doesn't matter, limerents will work out which one works for them in the end. It is like the various therapies out there. As individuals, we have to find the one that works for us. CBT, acupuncture, shamans, talk therapy, medication, psychotherapy, Chinese herbs, etc, or a combination.
Some may view it as stemming from childhood trauma.
Some may view it as karmic from a previous life.
So many different and delicious perspectives! Like a buffert meal, try a bit of everything to see which one tastes the best.

Sorry, went off-topic.

Imo, one can be authentically happy being unhappily happy. An example.
I know of a bi lady who would dearly love to express herself with her husbands acceptance and approval. Having disclosed her orientation, he took it as meaning she would be unfaithful. Not true. One can express themselves in clothing, groups of friends, etc. One doesn't not have to embark on a sexual relationship in order to express themselves. The same goes for limerence. We are expressing ourselves on here without needing to sleep with LO in order to know that we are limerent. In her case, she disclosed her situation, the same as other have disclosed their limerence to their SO, and she was met with resistance.

Her issue is the lack of self-expression and the fact she has an unsupportive partner who is scared to look at the bigger picture. She dearly loves him, and the good in their marriage outweighs her needs for self-expression. She has, as she would say, chosen her poison. It doesn't change who she is, and now that she has accepted her own truth and awareness of having an unsupportive SO, she has made peace with it. Thus being happily unhappy in this one area of their married life, yet happy overall.

Marriage, imo, is about negotiating what is important to us and what we decide we can live without. It's never about getting our own way 100% of the time.

[AMA210]

@L-F: "AMA if you can overcome your fear of being alone, you open the gates to finding the right person. When we hold ourselves prisoners of the past or cling to fantasies about LO, we're sending signals to the universe that we're not ready to receive the blessings that await us."

I am so glad that you said this, as I continued to think about it and then EUREKA...there it was.
There always was a replacement for the LO -- someone to fill that void -- and I think it's why I have been stuck in this cycle, without realizing it until now, and unable to let go completely.

A few weeks after I was divorced, I "attracted" a much younger (albeit, 13 years) transportation driver at work and I let LO go.
After that didn't work out, I moved on to getting to know a co-worker better and LO was still gone. After that came to a screeching halt after he left, I went back to LO. When the ex-SO came back in, I left LO in the dust again, and now with him on the way out, and being faced with no one else to fill that void, I am back to LO.
So, that void has been patched over and over again, but never just sat with and given a chance to heal on it's own.

So now, my new focus will just to be with those voids and be at peace with it.
Thank you.

[L-F]

There always was a replacement for the LO -- someone to fill that void -- and I think it's why I have been stuck in this cycle, without realizing it until now, and unable to let go completely.

That's interesting AMA.

Marriage, imo, is about negotiating what is important to us and what we decide we can live without. It's never about getting our own way 100% of the time.

I believe most of us (in general) take the 'all or nothing' approach. There will be areas where our SO falls short. Perfectly okay given there is no such thing as a perfect person. Not even LO will meet all our needs.

And that's another thing, needs. Im quoting below to tag you into the convo Peter... https://www.limerence.net/forum/viewtop ... =45&t=7381

I'm presently married to my 4th(and last!) wife, these past 18 years.

Isn't it interesting that we look for someone to meet our needs. I'm talking in general here.
Partners should compliment us, not complete us.
Thus, we'll be better off wanting to be with someone instead of needing to. Being happy on our own is a good indicator of meeting our own needs.

Im sitting here watching My 600lb life. People are so amazing aren't they? When they put energy into healing their emotional wounds they transform their bodies.

Anyway, people are amazing in general.

Go us limerents!

[peter.rabbit]

Partners should compliment us, not complete us.

That's been my lifelong goal. After the divorce from LO/wife I spent years living single. I sought to figure out what I'm doing wrong with relationships. I had not heard of Limerence then, didn't have internet at the time I learned to enjoy my own company, realizing that I didn't "need" anyone in my life to make me feel whole. Anyway, I decided that my problem with marriages was that I was jumping into marriages way too fast, not really getting to know each other sufficiently well. In all 3 former marriages had common traits: short courtship period, moving in together, So, with my present(4th and final) I made sure that we took our time. We did not move in together, we each kept the houses that we owned, which I believe creates an important psychological feature. Then, after 3 years when it seemed right- I asked her to marry me.

[L-F]

Then, after 3 years when it seemed right- I asked her to marry me.

I wonder what drives limerence for you. You don't need LO, clearly. Hmm...
All wives aside, why do you think you're chasing limerence (not LO - LO is irrelevant)?

[L-F]

Not *chasing. Chasing is the wrong word.
What do you gain from the experience?

[DreamingBlue]

Some excellent feedback here. Thank you.

[peter.rabbit]

Then, after 3 years when it seemed right- I asked her to marry me.

I wonder what drives limerence for you. You don't need LO, clearly. Hmm...
All wives aside, why do you think you're chasing limerence (not LO - LO is irrelevant)?

I'm not sure how to answer that question, but I do have some thoughts, in examining my Limerent history.
Random self analysis notes:
My 3rd wife(the LO/PA etc disaster) resembles my high school crush physically, but not her personality. She was just fun to be with, on so many levels, But, she turned out to be such a train-wreck, started cheating within the first year of our marriage, maxed out my credit and put us in dire straits financially.
My present LO resembles wife #2(kids mom) in both personality and appearance.
My present LO, wife #2 and high school crush have a bit of an '"enigma" feature about them. In thinking, I'd have to call that an emotional wall.
I've been trying to determine whether wife #2 was also an LO; if so then it wasn't as intense as present LE, or wife #3 .
I don't mention my first wife- so long ago, we dated for maybe a year, was only married < 2 years before we divorced(she cheating).

I should print this post and save it for reference, maybe eventually will get in-person sessions instead of a phone visit.

[L-F]

I read your reply Peter and Melissa Etheridge's song Similar Features popped into my head. Sounds like they are different yet have similar features. I'm quoting a snippet below because a couple of things jumped out.
Note: by all means take what resonates for you to your sessions but what I write is for entertainment purposes, or reflection, but nothing more.

My present LO, wife #2 and high school crush have a bit of an '"enigma" feature about them. In thinking, I'd have to call that an emotional wall.

I would say that the 'enigma' feature is a feature of all LOs. Well, it certainly was for mine.
But 'emotional wall'??? What's that about? Is that something that relates to your mother? It relates to mine. When I read the above I became curious as to where and how you learnt about emotional walls.

Came across this darling article 'What to do when you hit an emotional wall'. The 'emotional wall' is my ICK phase. The phase I pushed thru when allowing myself to get in touch with my feelings. Yes, anger. Or basically, any feeling that I was frightened or ashamed to feel as a young child (for obvious reasons, such as not being allowed to express myself, or not being taken seriously, etc.).

This article explains how we unwittingly become trapped within a narrow worldview, so to speak. And how we can push through the barriers to grow as individuals... I've written about how I hit the wall when trying to find my way out of limerence. It was when I felt ick, sick, stuck, scared, anxious, fearful, and in the author's words "literally felt like I was going to die".

Not posting this to scare you, lol. Posting because for me to heal limerence, I needed to break through that emotional wall.

https://hopeforhealingfoundation.org/wh ... onal-wall/

Oh, you mentioned phone visit with the person you are talking to about limerence. I'm assuming it's a Skype session where you get to see them? If you haven't already seen her, what if she has similar features? I'm joking I'm joking. Hope your next session goes well.