So it turns out I might be my LO's LO, and this just messed me up even more

[MiraaBeee]

I'm not even sure where to begin. My situation is quite complex.

My LO is someone famous in my country - let's say, a media personality of some sort. He's one of the brightest, most sensitive, most intense people I've ever seen.

I've known him for about a decade. I always loved his work, and his regular talks/stand ups in the summer which I would attend. We would hang out in the same group, chat from time to time, but we were nothing more but very casual acquaintances. I sometimes got the idea that he liked me, but back then, he wasn't interesting to me in a romantic way.

Five years had passed and I haven't met him, even though I kept on following everything he's been featured in - just as a regular fan I suppose. Then last summer, I went to his talk again, just like in the old days. And I'm not even sure how or why... the whole dynamic changed between us.

He was clearly super happy to see me after all those years, but... this guy is truly out of this world. I've known that already, but not this side of him. I can't describe his sweetness, his starry eyed look, his affection... I still have no idea why I deserved that, but it just broke my heart. It's not too often I see someone over 20 behave this way, let alone a grown ass middle-aged man, let alone someone of his status. It's not too often I find a man who treats me this way, either.

Anyhow, OF COURSE I thought this was a fluke and just a one-off thing. But needless to say, I had to see him again to check. So I went there a few more times... the same thing would happen. He got very flustered each time he saw me, like a boy meeting his crush.

So far so good, right? Well, not really... a minor detail I forgot is that this guy has a wife and a baby. But bear with me! They are in a very public open relationship. His life is pretty much an open book because of how many interviews he gives. I knew well, and could tell from my experience that whether the relationship is open or not, he's extremely bored of it. But then again, he made a vow to save his daughter (still an infant) from the heartache of her parents getting divorced...

Anyhow, I ended up feeling awkward about the whole thing and stopped attending his events. Then the pandemic kicked in, and overall, almost a year passed by without contact. At this point, I knew I was limerent AF. I listened to his talks/interviews almost every single day and probably not a day passed by without me thinking of him.

So, this summer came and I decided to give this another shot and see him again.

Long story short: he took my hand and pretty much dragged me away to talk. Then he told me he was entirely sure he'd never see me again. That he remembers me from the old days, and he always cared about me. That he's extremely sorry for ever giving up on me - this is something he told me about 5 times, and I'm not even sure what he meant! (For what I know, this guy is many things, but not a bullshitter.) Then of course we kissed and stuff, but I was confused as hell. I had no idea how to proceed. I've been waiting so long for this moment, but still...

All I know is that he seemed quite vulnerable. He's "the loud guy" on TV, but he never had much confidence with women, and I know he felt very exposed with everything he confessed. But I, of course, had my reservations in the situation he put me in, even regarding the kiss, let alone everything else. It happened all too suddenly, and I've been trying to process this ever since. I hope I didn't make him feel rejected, but I made it clear I needed more time.

Then some friends came and interrupted our convo before we could conclude anything. We said goodbye and left.

Now, he's gone on holiday with his DW and hasn't reached out to me since... but I know he will be expecting me at his next talk, whenever it is. And a weird bit of news: a common friend told me that their holiday ended quite abruptly. They had to return because they really did not get along well. How odd!

Anyhow, I've been going through hell since then. I'm madly in love/limerent/call it what you may... I can't stop thinking about him. Does he also think about me? Does he still want me? Does he even like me for ME? What can/will/should happen?

I DRIVE MYSELF TOTALLY CRAZY WITH THESE THOUGHTS. So crazy, in fact, I'm considering hooking up with someone else just for a distraction - which really wouldn't be fair to that person. I feel slightly disgusted even just thinking about a date with someone else. And yet, I can't make MY happiness dependent on this one individual and whatever he decides to pull next!

Anyhow, for the time being, I can't really eat/work/sleep. The uncertainty of the whole situation gives me stomach pain. I don't know when I'm gonna see him, I have no idea what's going on in his relationship, and most importantly, WHETHER HE TRULY CARES. He has no idea about how all this affected me.

I'm sorry this ended up in a novel. Thanks to anyone who cares to read or offer any advice because I'm just clueless.

[L-F]

Hi MiraaBeee

Sounds like an awfully confusing time for you. Do you have a counsellor or close friends you can confide in?

[IvB]

Wow, this really is a novel. Why do you think he doesn't like you for you? From all you wrote he seems to have feelings for you. You need to meet him to clarify things.

[MiraaBeee]

Hi MiraaBeee

Sounds like an awfully confusing time for you. Do you have a counsellor or close friends you can confide in?

Thank you for asking. I see a therapist twice a week, but she's gone on holiday. My own holiday helped a lot this month, because it gave me other things to focus on, but now I'm back to square one. I go out much more than I normally do just to take my mind off of him. Also smoke a lot which clearly isn't helping. I'm not sure how else to cope - traveling helps, but I can't do that in August. It's been affecting my ability to work - I'm a writer and it's difficult to be creative when I'm so preoccupied with this one issue.

[MiraaBeee]

Wow, this really is a novel. Why do you think he doesn't like you for you? From all you wrote he seems to have feelings for you. You need to meet him to clarify things.

Yes, I need to meet him, but I'm not sure how and when. The pandemic can interfere with his talks, and I have nowhere else to see him. It bugs me that he hasn't reached out, and yet I understand - it's tricky with his relationship that seems to be falling apart, the way to save it is probably not to fall deeply for someone else.

The other issue is that I highly doubt he sees me for ME. He said in interviews before that if he truly fancies a woman, he can't even realize who she really is before they have sex, and he takes that out of the way. I don't want him to wake up next to me and wonder what the hell he's doing there.

I should tell him I'm afraid of this situation, I'm afraid of getting hurt. It would be a real shame to have a shallow one-night thing, he is so bright and we are both better than that. I can compromise with many things, but not that. In other words: I don't want to sell myself too cheap, even if I risk intimidating him with this convo.

For now, he really seems to idealize me and ignore my faults, and nothing good comes out of this mutual admiration just awkwardness. We need to be simply two people first and carry normal conversations. At least I think so.

Then again, he's known me for ages (in a superficial way) so hopefully he finds something appealing about my personality as well.