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Realising my SO also has an LO

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
Spadge100
Posts: 291
Joined: Sat Oct 24, 2020 10:02 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: Realising my SO also has an LO

Post by Spadge100 »

Thanks all for the replies and hijack away. As you know us limerents suffer with overthinking, catatrosphising, intrusive thoughts and ruminating. All part of the depression that limerence brings.

I was just starting to get to a good place but knew something wasn’t right. Waking with a pit of the stomach feeling the last few weeks. I felt bad checking her phone as I never do that but glad I bought it to a head.

The words I read circle my head constantly, breaking my sleep and I know no sound judgment can be made on a lack of sleep.

The sex I can understand and it’s not that important. The validation to feel wanted is intoxicating to anyone. What hurts is how long it went on. The PA side was largely short lived but the communication has happened over a year and a half. That means the last year and a half was a lie. When I needed my wife when I was hospitalised she was there for me in body but not in mind.

I knew we needed to work on us but it fell on deaf ears, now I know why. I know I love her more than anyone else, but I don’t know how I can trust and respect her or whether I am strong enough to navigate this. But it’s only been 24 hours.

I’m sure I will use this forum as there are people who understand and it was a great place of solace and advice for my own LE.

Thanks all for their advice. All we need to do is become each other’s LOs and all will be fine. But I know it doesn’t work like that as at the moment idealising her is definitely not an option. Mind you, the glimmer, hope and uncertainty are there in abundance!!
AMA210
Posts: 2385
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Realising my SO also has an LO

Post by AMA210 »

L-F wrote: Tue Aug 03, 2021 11:32 pm Oh you were talking about you!? Yeah, you have had some weird stuff go on. I remember the third party thing. Didn't she put her 2 cents worth in on he forum because of you, him, her and tats? That was weird! Almost woo-woo weird lol. I hope you can laugh about it now.
The only weird thing I've had is someone send me their photo to rate them. Common! And they didn't give up until I rated them :))

Oh the happy weird memories this forum holds. We're all just a bunch of nuts
=))

Sorry Spadge. Got a few giggles reflecting on the good ol days.

Hoping you are able to move forward with your wife hand in hand.
Not me at all. :))
Yes, you and I are thinking of the same person, with the tats and all. That was my first experience with rebound limerence and short lived. Actually, that is where my first tat originated, as I wouldn't have considered that at all. Now I have too much damn ink - currently at three - and I'm done. :-?
It was hilarious especially since he had the same first name as the LO. Talk about woo-woo!
I have never had the privilege of rating anyone and best to not keep thinking about that because then it will come in. =))

Speaking of nuts, I am fond of them. The only one I don't care for is raw peanuts. My favorites are: pecan, cashew, pistachio, macadamia, Brazil and sunflower.
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
IvB
Posts: 280
Joined: Thu Nov 12, 2020 8:30 pm
Czech Republic

Re: Realising my SO also has an LO

Post by IvB »

Spadge, this is very difficult for you, just when you were getting over it, I can imagine that you start thinking about your LO. Please keep strong. You felt so bad and guilty all this time and now you find out this. I do remember you saying that SO didn't seem as hurt by your limerence as one would expect... I really hope that your SO will take the therapy very seriously. Did she explain why? What was she missing? Did she not feel wanted enough?
Spadge100
Posts: 291
Joined: Sat Oct 24, 2020 10:02 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: Realising my SO also has an LO

Post by Spadge100 »

Hi IvB

She enjoyed the flattery and attention from someone she used to fancy at college who in turn fancied her too. The novelty and escapism of it. She done a bloody good job of hiding it but then I have been in my own recovery.

Basically an exact parallel of my situation, except it went on a lot longer and they met up a number of times.

I personally don’t think she is limerent. She seems a lot calmer and more rational than I was through it, but then she has done a good job of hiding it from me for over a year and a half.

I guess really we both didn’t realise something was missing, got stuck in a rut as you do when you have been together for eighteen years, then bam, almost at exactly the same time we found ourselves in identical positions then COVID pretty much hit. Rather than communicating our concerns, or actually just not realising we had any, we both basked in the novelty and escapism that only those early college years can give you. Two unique situations that somehow happened at the same time. Is it karma or is it just coincidence?

Where we go from here is anyone’s guess. We had the family over tonoght for my wife’s birthday, her parents, brother and my kids and I cooked. It was lovely but heartbreaking at the same time.

The next few months will play out how it’s meant to.
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Realising my SO also has an LO

Post by L-F »

AMA210 wrote: Wed Aug 04, 2021 2:36 pm Not me at all. :))
Yes, you and I are thinking of the same person, with the tats and all. That was my first experience with rebound limerence and short lived. Actually, that is where my first tat originated, as I wouldn't have considered that at all. Now I have too much damn ink - currently at three - and I'm done. :-?
It was hilarious especially since he had the same first name as the LO. Talk about woo-woo!
I have never had the privilege of rating anyone and best to not keep thinking about that because then it will come in. =))

Speaking of nuts, I am fond of them. The only one I don't care for is raw peanuts. My favorites are: pecan, cashew, pistachio, macadamia, Brazil and sunflower.
Sorry Spadge, couldn't resist quoting.

Oh C?!? Hmmm :-? Wonder if its the same C that someone else fell for. But then, there are a couple of C's. Didn't know C had a tat, wait... wrong C!
I wonder if it's the other C that another someone else fell for.

Makes me wonder how many men on this forum are hunting for limerents??? @-)

Are there any women on the hunt? #-o

I'm pretty sure the one I'm thinking of who fell for a different C to the first C I was thinking of was a psycho.

So men... The moral of the story is, you just never know what bunny boiler awaits you. Just don't go fishing!

As for you AMA, you crack me up! I love tats! I plan to be a tattooed 90 year old rebel in leather... Wait...
:ymsick: think my mother said the same thing once!
Good thing she doesn't have a tat or I'd be racing to the next laser clinic.

I reckon the older you get the less you care about everything, and then forgetfulness kicks in and you forget that you stopped caring and start obsessing.

@Spadge, do you think you can have a rational discussion about limerence in general? I believe the only reason I'm still married boils down to the fact I faced my fear and started being honest with my husband. I talked non-stop about limerence, what it meant to me, what I was learning about myself and asked him questions such as how is he coping? Why did he decide to stick by me and support me through it? What were his fears? How can I support him?

We made sure to stop making it a taboo subject. Openly discussing it wasn't as painful as hiding it. It actually brought us closer.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
AMA210
Posts: 2385
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Realising my SO also has an LO

Post by AMA210 »

I think there are far fewer male limerents who disclose to their SO. That has been from my experience on here anyhow and actually was a great cover story for the reason why I was never mentioned in the first place. I was ok with this position for a long while until I began to think about it logically. But, all of that sure taught me a ton!

I didn't hold it as a secret with the ex SO, but it had the opposite effect, as he viewed it as my problem to overcome and didn't accept any responsibility for how he contributed to it, and stuck with that belief until the end. I think even now, there are remnants that still interfere with the friendship.

A lot of what transpired was purposely hidden due to the proximity of LO. I was always afraid that ex SO would just go and physically hurt LO, so in some way, I was more attuned to protecting the LO. So, it's probably easier to talk openly about everything when the LO is not within the vicinity.
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Realising my SO also has an LO

Post by L-F »

Come to think of it, I think rebound limerence was a thing here at one point in time. People looking for other limerents to transfer their limerence onto. Of course me being me I verbalised my ideologies about this :))

No wonder no one tried to make me their LO! They knew I wouldn't put up with their bullshit

=))
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Realising my SO also has an LO

Post by L-F »

AMA210 wrote: Thu Aug 05, 2021 12:10 am I didn't hold it as a secret with the ex SO, but it had the opposite effect, as he viewed it as my problem to overcome and didn't accept any responsibility for how he contributed to it, and stuck with that belief until the end. I think even now, there are remnants that still interfere with the friendship.
It was such a shame he didn't view it as a problem that he could have helped you with. I don't know if he is or isn't to blame, but what I do know is, a marriage is or should be, a partnership where you support each other. Had hubby not supported me it would have been the perfect ending. Something I wasn't afraid of.

Well AMA, you have us!!!! :ymhug:
And here's to providing space for someone healthy to walk in and sweep you off your feet! When you feel ready for it.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
IvB
Posts: 280
Joined: Thu Nov 12, 2020 8:30 pm
Czech Republic

Re: Realising my SO also has an LO

Post by IvB »

Spadge, as for her being rational, could it be that she is just faking it? I did my best to appear normal in my worst months, I would call it my best performance because nobody noticed anything even though it almost killed me. But I can't speak for your SO. Agree with L-F, did you have a deep discussion about this all with her?
Spadge100
Posts: 291
Joined: Sat Oct 24, 2020 10:02 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: Realising my SO also has an LO

Post by Spadge100 »

Hi IvB

I guess nothing is really certain. I know she will think of him. You can’t control thoughts and they obviously shared a lot. I can at least understand that now and empathasise.

I know she will be facing her own inner turmoil now as the cold hard truth hits and the realisation of the damage done hits her. Her natural response to everything is to bury her head in the sand and ignore it’s happening, that’s her coping mechanism.

Whereas I know now we need to get some professional assistance in how we navigate this so we either emerge stronger or separate amicably and with as little hurt as possible.

This has at least lifted my limerence pretty much overnight. I carried resent which was misplaced and not right. My LOs husband also had an affair and I guess they were in the same boat. Mid life, long marriage, the allure of days gone past when life was a whole lot simpler. I don’t know what order there’s happened but probably in parallel like my situation.

I want to avoid judgment, and use all of the information I have learned over the last year to look at this rationally and not let my emotions guide the next steps.

I really appreciate the advice given on this site and thanks as always IvB for the response.
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