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is Ex-SO Limerent?

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AMA210
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is Ex-SO Limerent?

Post by AMA210 »

I don't know if my EX SO has or is getting limerence for me, so hopefully can get some insights from others on this.

On Monday, I left my sunglasses in his car, and so, the following day, told him I will stop by and get them because I needed to use them. His response was: "I think you left them on purpose so you would have to come back and see me to get them." This struck me as odd, and something that I, as a limerent, would have said. It's along the lines of cue interpretation or misguided assumption. I told him that I just forgot them, nothing more.

Yesterday, we ate at the casino and he insisted that we play together with his money. We did this for a while, but it made me uncomfortable, so I went off and donated my own $40. When I returned a short time later, he said he could reimburse that loss. I declined.

Today, he said he was going to the store and if I needed any essentials that he would get those and mentioned that we could go together, but if I didn't want to, then he would just go alone.

Later in the week, we are planning to go to the State Fair, which will be very expensive, and due to limited funds, I have a set amount to spend. He told me that he could pay for any food I wanted. He typically does not give from the goodness of his heart unless he is expecting something in return or he makes investments to bring it up later. Remember when I paid for that, so you owe me.

I'm not sure if I'm reading too much into this or not, but it is confusing me.
I am reminded on how I would have done anything to win LO's favor and how there was no limit with that.
It was like me proving my worth to LO so that I would feel better about myself.

So far, my response to this has been to back off, aka run away (which is what LO did).
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
L-F
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Re: is Ex-SO Limerent?

Post by L-F »

Do you feel you need to run away from the man you spent many years with and raised a daughter together?

Maybe he's lonely? I'm more intrigued at your line of enquiry. It seems like this is not so much about him as it is about you seeing your own behaviour mirrored in his.

Interesting. I honestly don't know. Hoping others will chip in.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
AMA210
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Re: is Ex-SO Limerent?

Post by AMA210 »

L-F wrote: Thu Aug 05, 2021 1:47 am Do you feel you need to run away from the man you spent many years with and raised a daughter together?
In a word, YES. We've been divorced for 2.5 years and the first time ever in the runner position.

Maybe he's lonely? I'm more intrigued at your line of enquiry. It seems like this is not so much about him as it is about you seeing your own behaviour mirrored in his.
I am also intrigued by it and yes, he is lonely. It has given me pause and acting as a reflection of my own behavior with LO, which is something I haven't been able to do until right now. So, there is indeed learning/healing here for me.

Interesting. I honestly don't know. Hoping others will chip in.
Thank you!
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
Spadge100
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Re: is Ex-SO Limerent?

Post by Spadge100 »

To me it sounds like he is lonely and missing his old life. I don’t think it’s limerence at play.

The gambling is an addiction and coping mechanism. An avoidance of something deeper. To me it sounds like he lost his way a bit, began gambling.

If I was in your position I would try not to read anything into it and just go with it. The worst that can happen is the day isn’t great but the best that can happen is you make some nice memories and potentially become closer, even just as friends as there is a daughter involved.
AMA210
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Re: is Ex-SO Limerent?

Post by AMA210 »

Thanks for the input, Spadge.

The friendship remains and will remain for at least two more years until daughter is out of high school. Aside from that, I am not interested in anything more.

I was giving this more thought and it reminds me of where I was at five years ago after meeting LO. After developing feelings for him within a short timeframe, I was so afraid that he would abandon and reject me and this is what fueled not only the limerence, but the repeated attempts to prove my worth to him and convince him that I was the better option. It's also why I put up with his crappy and avoidant behaviors.

I feel that the ex does not want to be abandoned - left again, so to speak, and this is why he is trying really hard to make himself look like the best option. At one point, I liked the attention, but now, since I generally don't resonate with him, I haven't been investing much into it because I know that it will not work out, period.
It would have been easier for me if LO would have told me point blank that it would never work and to leave him be, but by doing that, all of that attention and admiration would have been lost, and retaining that at all costs remained. There was so much uncertainty with it and so much push and pull, which is very similar to the way it is now with the ex. Perhaps all of this is happening so that I can glean a better understanding of LO's position.
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
Lola
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Re: is Ex-SO Limerent?

Post by Lola »

IMO, it's more about getting a better understanding of your own position, in both situations.

I remember a few years ago, in another community I'm part of for spouses of midlife crisis, we discussed how we got a form of limerence after we got the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" schpiel before getting discarded for affair partners. It made NO sense - here we were, getting left for someone else, in some cases being abused verbally, emotionally, financially, and even physically - yet we clung like we never had before to this person, wanting to be "the better choice." I think it's a bit of a trauma response. The obsession and rumination is the same as limerence, at least for a while.

I can't speak for if your xSO is full-on limerent (since your breakup isn't really new) or trying to pave the way to win your favor in a less limerent way. You do have the foundation of a prior relationship in the way most LOs don't, so it's not as based in fantasy as it is in the past. But that doesn't make it less possible. Could really be about abandonment issues. Letting go is hard. But it's not your responsibility to coddle him, either, if that's not what you want. We all have things to work through, and he's grown. Working through it on his own could grow him up more (and ironically, probably make him more attractive).

I spent so much time trying to get into my xH's head and figure out what he wanted, how to best present myself to him, how to 'help' him. Once I grieved and moved on (and I really did - good riddance to that one), I had a bit of limerence for the first guy I took up with, and that was when I realized it was about me and no one else. I think it's good to reflect on how you may have done some of those behaviors, but that shouldn't IMO translate to having more empathy with the LO. If I remember correctly he wasn't that nice to you, and there are no behaviors that deserve that. Same with me that the guy I became limerent for crossed some boundaries that should have disqualified him for me, yet because I idealized him on some level, I gave him a pass to keep him in my life.

Sorry to ramble or hijack your thread, I just remember those times of trying to figure out all of the 'puzzles' this stuff hands us. We're always the missing piece (almost typed "peace", and that could probably also apply. ;) ).
peter.rabbit
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Re: is Ex-SO Limerent?

Post by peter.rabbit »

AMA210, From what you've described- it appears to me that he is not particularly limerent, just an ex who wants to re-connect. You have children together? That's a powerful bond.
Weak people revenge.
Strong people forgive.
Intelligent people ignore.
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AMA210
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Re: is Ex-SO Limerent?

Post by AMA210 »

peter.rabbit wrote: Sat Aug 07, 2021 5:53 pm AMA210, From what you've described- it appears to me that he is not particularly limerent, just an ex who wants to re-connect. You have children together? That's a powerful bond.
Yes, our daughter is 16, and adopted at birth. Also, we went through nine years of infertility and treatments to be parents.
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
L-F
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Re: is Ex-SO Limerent?

Post by L-F »

AMA210 wrote: Thu Aug 05, 2021 3:42 pm Perhaps all of this is happening so that I can glean a better understanding of LO's position.
Quite possibly.

Because limerents, in general, objectify their LO, it's kinda cruel and as David mentioned in another thread, self-serving (akin to narcissist traits). And sometimes it's good to find the shoe on the other foot to give ourselves a taste of our own objectification.

It sounds like you are playing LO where you aren't doing anything other than smile and be nice and perhaps give the perception you are attracted but in reality you just want to be left alone.

So in this sense, yes, perhaps he's demonstrating limerence?

I know when I became someone's LO I didn't like being projected upon as if I was someone hungry for them. I wasn't. I too just wanted to be left alone.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
L-F
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Re: is Ex-SO Limerent?

Post by L-F »

Lola wrote: Sat Aug 07, 2021 6:45 am If I remember correctly he wasn't that nice to you, and there are no behaviors that deserve that.
I recall him being nice which is why AMA fell for him. Then he wasn't nice because he wasn't limerent and wanted to be left alone. So much so he got the Principal involved and I think the Police involved too. When I was someone's LO I too wasn't playing nice with them when I felt scared out of my wits from being stalked (we worked at the same establishment and I didn't like the way he'd tell me what car I drove, where I parked it, what time I left work or turned up, or even asking if the man he saw me with was my husband, had I been on holiday because he hadn't seen me around, etc - all of which was none of his business). In a way I'm glad I didn't tell SO otherwise he'd have gone and ... well... probably want to do what most men want to do to other men who dribble all over their wives.

My curt and non-approachable demeanor was very much warranted. Some LOs live in fear.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
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