I Seek Certainty

[DreamingBlue]

I want to know the exact date I'll wake up from the spell, the jealousy and the sadness will be GONE. It'll just be me and my sweet wife again.
Not wanting something I don't have. Not feeling hurt or rejected.

I am 2 1/2 weeks away from 3 months no contact. I am several days into no peeking at all at any pics, but recent peeks have damaged me. She is still, to me, the most perfectly beautiful human to ever walk to earth. I see zero flaws, even as my rational mind says "cmon." The fact that she's just 2 years younger than me and my wife is hilarious. If I were to get her, I'd be trading one flawed, mortal body for another.

But this is what my brain does, it impatiently asks "when will this go away?" "are we there yet?" At least I am cutting off the fuel to the limerence, but some deep, deep need to know her more, to have my ego satisfied by her being attracted to me or loving me, persists. This is what we all suffer from, right? It is so purely awful I cannot believe it, and perhaps I should focus on that, that everything to do with this woman has led me to pain.

Another, most obvious thing - I hate, hate that something came between me and my wife and still does. I hate that my appreciation of my wife has gone down since I met this woman. My wife's flaws compared to LO are highlighted now. And who the hell am I? Some perfect adonis? Some sex god? No, I'm an aging, unemployed dad. I'm lucky as hell to have my wife and I'd better not hurt her or take her for granted.

So uh, anyway, when does this end?

[virusbkk]

Totally get where you're at.
I'm 4.5 months into NC and this will never change.
I threw away the key - deleted all of the LO's contact information, and have completely stopped looking her up everywhere.

The fog has mostly dissipated, although I did have a brief relapse for about a week,
but am back on the recovery road again.

I am ashamed to say this, but I did intimate (physical & sexual) things together with my LO that I have never done with my wife.

This relates back to a Youtube video I saw about how somebody can be more vulnerable with their affair-partner,
than their own spouse. In my case, LO and ex-affair partner were one and the same person.

Kind of ties into your point about how the value of one's spouse is diminished in the presence of an LO -
it's called vilification(making your spouse into the villain)

And I am no adonis either - quite the opposite. Also lucky to have a wife who loves & cares for me.
But unfortunately, limerence is selfish and relentless, and doesn't care about any of that.
I was desperate to receive reciprocation from somebody who was pining over a true love that was lost (a phantom-ex)

Don't think we can put a timeline on recovery, but we can certainly expedite it by strictly following the steps that are essential to complete recovery.

[AMA210]

Good to read an update DB.

I wish I could give you a definite day on when all of this will end. But, I cannot. No one can, not even you.
Although, I will say, that it will, and you must believe in that with a passion, for this will get you there.

I stand at 5 years and 3 months, and I can say that I am done with all of it and moving on with my own life. The victory has been bittersweet in this hard-fought battle.

Yesterday in my online travels, I came across a knight in shining armor on a horse, and I instantly began to cry, saying "why couldn't you be that knight. I thought you were sent to rescue me. You presented yourself to me as all shiny and perfect, but underneath that, you are just a man, nothing more and nothing less. I ended up having to save myself and I don't need you anymore."

[DreamingBlue]

It's surprising to me that I am skeptical of that, that it will end. These things always end! All my crushes have ended. So why is this one something I am making into an existential crisis that will be with me all my days? I don't believe in "fate." There was no destiny leading me to LO. It was completely random. Just because these feelings are strong doesn't mean they are permanent. So why can't I believe that down deep?

[IvB]

Because you are still very limerent, DB I am sure that in the deepest phase of your previous crushes you had similar feelings. Don't trust your mind, it's playing you. It will end.

[Spadge100]

Limerence definitely ends and is the most damaging of all experiences there is and for what? Absolutely nothing. It robs you of everything.

In my case my EA has led my wife to have a PA\EA largely because I couldn’t connect with her.

I’m not condoning my wife’s actions, it was an unhealthy choice we both made when we should have been talking to each other. Complacency after eighteen years together and stupid flattery we both fell for and now dealing with the aftermath.

At least on the plus side limerence has allowed me to empathise and reading a ton on affairs gives me the insights and skills to navigate this, whatever the outcome then is.

The obsessing and intrusive thoughts are hard and literally is comparable to (or worse) than grieving the loss of my mother suddenly seven years ago. You look at others and are envious they don’t have this to deal with but ultimately maybe they do.

It’s really hard to think of your SO as having an LO when you have been in that position. She is a lot better than me at switching off though and focussing on the present which I am thankful for.

Do I think of LO? Yes now and then, but see it as a massive regret that one fateful night together has shaped so much of my life in the last eighteen months for the worse. I am not bitter, it was a stupid choice I made.

No dopamine rush is worth the pain affairs cause. Do everything in your power to avoid it, avoid LOs like the plague they are, they have the potential to rob you of everything.

[AMA210]

@Spadge: "Limerence definitely ends and is the most damaging of all experiences there is and for what? Absolutely nothing. It robs you of everything."

It somewhat surprises me that you view the LO in such a negative way. It is not their fault that we became limerent/obsessed with them. That is all on us and despite wanting to blame them for this predicament that they put us in, again, it is the combination of our environment, beliefs and behaviors that created this. Also, we made that choice at that time to engage with them, regardless of the red flags, and refusing to recognize our behaviors that led us down that path.

I disagree that it is the most damaging of all experiences, and that being a matter of perspective, you are entitled to this opinion. Rather, it is what is taken from this experience or any other one that is traumatic, and used to better yourself, to do the heavy lifting that is often referred to here.

Limerence represents a rare opportunity to look inside of the self and to not only know ourselves better, but to take a good look at those shadow/negative aspects of ourselves, and what better way to do that than to have a mirror reflecting that back to us?

You are making the choice to let it "rob you of everything." You are giving it that power. Take back your damn power, Spadge. Rise above it!

[AMA210]

Because you are still very limerent, DB I am sure that in the deepest phase of your previous crushes you had similar feelings. Don't trust your mind, it's playing you. It will end.

I agree IvB.
IMO, it's nearly impossible to see the end of any situation when one is in the middle of it.
Perhaps just admitting that to oneself is enough for now. Yes, I still have these intense feelings and yes, this will end, but it's ok that I don't know when, and so I will just keep moving forward.