I no longer want to be friends with LO

[Struck613]

This isn’t directly related to the rest of the post, but I’ve been thinking recently about how crazy life can be. I know the past year and a half has been difficult for everyone, but I just remember talking to LO about a TV show as she was leaving the office one day in March of 2020, then saying we’ll continue the conversation next Monday. It was Tuesday, and her boss had already told her to work at home the rest of the week because of covid. I knew what was going on, but obviously couldn’t comprehend to what degree. That Thursday my office told all of us to work from home and I haven’t been back in since. I haven’t seen LO since then — we never finished that TV conversation — and I now think it’s pretty likely I’ll never see her again. I haven’t gone back into the office again yet either, but she doesn’t work there anymore anyway. But it’s just crazy to me how you can plan to talk to someone about something one day, and then never see them in your life again.

Anyway…

I’ve come to the conclusion I can’t be friends with LO. When she rejected me, I decided I’d try to still be friends with her because it was the easier way out for me. To an extent I can’t really go full NC because she’s in a group chat with me that is fairly active. But we still text one on one, and if I really want to end the limerence that needs to stop. Of course I could just completely ignore her when she texts me and I could never text. She’d eventually get the hint I’m sure. But that seems cruel. She’s not responsible for the fact that she’s my LO. It’s not fair to her to just start ghosting her. As is I try to not reach out to her, but I respond when she sends me something. And when she sends me something, I start becoming slightly more limerent again and I end up caving and reaching out again myself before long.

But short of just ignoring her I don’t know how to end it. The other solution I can think of would be disclosure and telling her why I can’t talk to her anymore, but to me that’s even less appealing than ignoring her. So I don’t know. People who were friends with their LO but have since gone NC, is there another way to go about it?

[virusbkk]

If this is a co-worker with whom collaboration is necessary to complete work-related tasks,
Low Contact (LC) is the best option.

No pleasantries - work-related stuff only. Keep it business-like and professional.
If she starts up a casual conversation, ignore - she'll get the hint eventually.

When you say she rejected you, did you ask her our on a date and she declined?

[Struck613]

Yes I asked her out and she declined. When Covid started and last I had seen her in person she was single, and I was single so there was nothing holding me back from asking. But by the time I asked (January of this year, almost a full year since we had last seen each other in person) she had an SO. I thought she was making him up at first as a way to reject me (probably because my limerent mind couldn’t accept that she’d acruslly be with someone else and not sit around waiting for me), but he is in fact real.

[IvB]

I know what you mean, I too do not want to ghost my LO. I know everyone says we mustn't think of them, only of ourselves but whether this is LO or just a friend, I don't ghost anyone.
But my LO almost never reaches out so it's me reaching every time and I got the hint already and try to stop. Every time we chat I get a bit back into limerence but less and less.
My only advice is, if you want to be polite (like me), to keep responding if she reaches out but try very hard not to reach out yourself (too often). Progress will be slower but you will progress.

[peter.rabbit]

She’s not responsible for the fact that she’s my LO. It’s not fair to her to just start ghosting her.

Yeah, I feel that way as well. Have you had a conversation with her about your Limerence? I believe you said you had already been rejected, so there's not much else to lose. If she knew why you needed to go total NC with her, surely she'd understand and not feel ghosted.

[virusbkk]

You don't owe her any explanation.
She rejected you and on top of that she has an SO.

All you should worry about is yourself and your recovery.
Keep it professional and cut all unnecessary contact.

[Struck613]

I think I will just respond when she reaches out to me, but in a way that doesn’t extend the conversation any further. I know I don’t owe an explanation, but from her perspective having someone just completely ignore you can’t feel good even if she has an SO and even if she doesn’t view me in the same way.

In terms of if I’ve had a conversation with her about limerence, no I have not. She obviously knows to some extent that I like her because I asked her out, but that was eight months ago and we haven’t spoken about it again since then. So she probably thinks I’ve moved on. I don’t really want to disclose to her either. I know some people have done it and had success with it, but it’s not something I feel comfortable doing.

[peter.rabbit]

@Struck613, Sounds like your LE is similar to mine. My perspective: for those of us who are caught up in Limerence with a "normal" person(not the classic narcissistic psychopath) and are not comfortable villainizing our LO, just respecting them and backing way to deal with our own problem is preferable.
Edit: regarding disclosure- yeah, a real lose-lose situation. Of course I've had the urge to do so a thousand times, but really it's a burden for the LO and a potential source of emotional pain for the disclose-er.

[AMA210]

@Struck613, Sounds like your LE is similar to mine. My perspective: for those of us who are caught up in Limerence with a "normal" person(not the classic narcissistic psychopath) and are not comfortable villainizing our LO, just respecting them and backing way to deal with our own problem is preferable.
Edit: regarding disclosure- yeah, a real lose-lose situation. Of course I've had the urge to do so a thousand times, but really it's a burden for the LO and a potential source of emotional pain for the disclose-er.

Limerence with a "normal" person - what the hell is that?

[peter.rabbit]

Limerence with a "normal" person - what the hell is that?

Lol, just a "non-narcissist" or sociopath.