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Muy diary as SO:

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Significant other
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Re: Muy diary as SO:

Post by Significant other »

I take it as part of her obsessive self-demand (projected towards the other, in this case, me) Nothing is enough ... but I am not her, nor do I have an oracle ...
As she so often says: "I can't be happy"
This week she has a meeting with her doctor,looking for a treatment for her "depression".We'll see.
AMA210
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Re: Muy diary as SO:

Post by AMA210 »

I think I've hijacked your thread this entire time. :-o
Carry on then...
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
Significant other
Posts: 138
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Re: Muy diary as SO:

Post by Significant other »

Ama210, this post belongs to everyone. Thank you very much for providing your support, we all need it. It is too complicated to overcome it alone.
AMA210
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Re: Muy diary as SO:

Post by AMA210 »

Whew...thanks! :D

This forum has been of major help to me for a long time, and often just being able to relate to and understand another's experience is enough.
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
Significant other
Posts: 138
Joined: Tue Apr 06, 2021 11:09 pm
Gender:
Age: 57
Spain

Re: Muy diary as SO:

Post by Significant other »

The recovery of an LE is really slow.
My wife continues to be in a bad mood with me, over and over again, with absurd or projected demands of frustration with our daughter, or who knows where, they do not disappear no matter how much I am present and with sincere intentions to help. enough.
Me, -How can I help you? ....- You should know, don't ask me.

She-How can you appear like this, without cleaning?, (In a virtual meeting of the school, with a 2-day beard ...), Etc, etc
...
Today I have seen on her phone how she tries to follow her LO on Facebook .... This obsession never ends! It is so destructive. And I see myself powerless, I no longer have weapons to threaten anymore. When talking, she invents her parallel reality .. .She does not want treatment ... We cannot even go for a walk ... and already intimate life or mention it.
Significant other
Posts: 138
Joined: Tue Apr 06, 2021 11:09 pm
Gender:
Age: 57
Spain

Re: Muy diary as SO:

Post by Significant other »

My story is complicated and long. The facts, reactions and discoveries are overlapping and change day by day. I will try to summarize it:
1_December, 2019 My wife tells me that she is going to the cinema with a friend, I don't care about it, but I see how both go away in LO's car.
2_March, 2020, in full confinement and my wife isolated for being infected; I discover notes / diary of her LE and new meetings.
3_September, 2020, she goes to our ex-couple psychologist, for "depression / 50's crisis"
4_October, 2020. After several incongruities, lies, secrets / concealments, manipulations, new discoveries and surprising mood swings, meanwhile ... I go into crisis. I go to the psychiatrist, he diagnoses me and prescribes Adaptive Anxiety Disorder treatment, I still follow it.
I demand a joint psychological session. I come off very angry. Obsession and limerence are not recognized (L of course, it does not exist in DSM V, CIE10, etc ...). The psychologist tells me "You are no longer my
client .... "professional secret, neither he nor she satisfy my demands.
5_April 2021, When I change my phone and ask my wife for hers to configure it, I discover the closure "in false" of the LE.Whatsapp, DW- "I want to try it with my husband, I like you, you are the first of the list (Tinder?)..."
I hide it for a time, but then I show my anger and ask for explanations in front of the psychologist.
The finish (NC), was sugested by the psychologist,after our previous joint appointment.If they had counted on me for that, everything would have been fixed! (I knew this last week)
6_June 2021 Joint appointment She decides not to face the facts,wants no treatment, she holds me responsible (not being at home, for work, irresponsibility ... bad mood, etc ...) she wants a divorce, I don't .
We decided to separate on vacation, until September. I clarify, total NC, do not cheat.
7_September 2021 We talk: divorce-we try again ... with conditions.Yesterday, she changed her phone. The old one is within my reach. I discover searches of the facebook profile and a communication by messages at the end of June with LO.
Constant bad mood on the part of her. Impossible to build.
AMA210
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Re: Muy diary as SO:

Post by AMA210 »

My SO did not want a divorce and it took him three months to get used to the idea before filing. I spent five months thinking about it before I made that decision and even though I was still in limerence and LC with LO, albeit talking to him every other month, I knew that I couldn't base my decision on LO. Instead I looked at all of the reasons why I wanted to leave and wanted to stay. There were 17 reasons to leave and LO only appeared on that list because of the unwillingness and inability of DH to fight for it. He did nothing at all to fight to save it and from the very onset, never felt threatened by LO, often claiming that he was so much better than him and that he was nothing special.

So after about two years into the limerence, I was living in such deception and being so manipulative with DH, as I thought about LO all of the time and this effected everything, even intimacy, and got so bad that every time I even hugged DH, I pretended it was LO. I had a lot of guilt with this, and that it was grossly unfair to DH, so it was at that point we became roommates.

After three months of him being ok with the idea, then we filed jointly, and I told him that my mind was made up, and so there was no effort to change it. I had the lawyer and he didn't, but he ended up paying for it. The biggest hit that I took was when it came to the financial disclosure, upon which sitting with the lawyer, found out that his gambling losses were considered as killer income, and in 2018, half of his income was for casino gambling, along with the $20K savings that had disappeared. I was livid and DH lied about the amounts initially, so in essence, he had been deceptive as well. I am not sure who was more deceptive, as it was more of the omission variety, on both sides, so I called it a draw.

It took five months from start to finish and the day after that court date, I moved out, and by that time, just wanted to be free.

I don't want to be an advocate of divorce here, as it could have worked out differently, but I'm not sure how long you will wait for SO to change or for the limerence to fade enough to restore the person who you married. That may or may not happen.

I was 50 when my LE began and divorced at 53, and married for 27 years.
What is interesting is that there was a reactivation of sorts of the relationship with the ex that lasted about 9 months and to which I thought he had changed, but in reality, just trying to re-create what was there before I met LO, and ultimately, I made the right choice by leaving, as he truly had not changed as I did.

So, now at 56, I am completely different than I was back then, and have done a lot of inner work as a result of the LE, so whether it be limerence that hits in mid-life or something else, if one person drastically changes and the other doesn't, I don't think it can truly work or be the same as it was before.
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
Significant other
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Re: Muy diary as SO:

Post by Significant other »

Thank you Ama210, your comments are very useful. I often feel like you: "divorce is the only way out."
But something in me tell me that it is possible.
Nobody has told me, but it is clear that I have an obsessive personality (/ compulsive? Now maybe less). That is why I understand what my wife may be going through.
My hypervigilance, caused by her constant bad mood, whatever I do, has led me to discover the existence of 2 conversations with LO.Despite having made it clear that NC was an indisputable condition during our separation, she has broken the pact through 2 conversation messages on their old phones (unlocked, because they do not have a SIM card).
The first contact, just as we parted at the end of June and the second on Thursday of last week.
She denies the evidence over and over again.-The fault lies with the computer scientist who transferred the data from her old phone to the new one ... I reply that I no longer believe anything.After a long discussion, on Saturday, she accepts to go to couples therapy.
Yesterday, Sunday, she gave up on the commitment, once again. I get angry and show her my null credibility and trust in her. Our daughter gets involved. Today in the morning she calls me from her work to ask for an terapeutic appointment ... I have already started the managements.
slowly.....
AMA210
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Re: Muy diary as SO:

Post by AMA210 »

Significant other wrote: Mon Sep 27, 2021 11:45 am Thank you Ama210, your comments are very useful. I often feel like you: "divorce is the only way out."
But something in me tell me that it is possible.
Nobody has told me, but it is clear that I have an obsessive personality (/ compulsive? Now maybe less). That is why I understand what my wife may be going through.
My hypervigilance, caused by her constant bad mood, whatever I do, has led me to discover the existence of 2 conversations with LO.Despite having made it clear that NC was an indisputable condition during our separation, she has broken the pact through 2 conversation messages on their old phones (unlocked, because they do not have a SIM card).
The first contact, just as we parted at the end of June and the second on Thursday of last week.
She denies the evidence over and over again.-The fault lies with the computer scientist who transferred the data from her old phone to the new one ... I reply that I no longer believe anything.After a long discussion, on Saturday, she accepts to go to couples therapy.
Yesterday, Sunday, she gave up on the commitment, once again. I get angry and show her my null credibility and trust in her. Our daughter gets involved. Today in the morning she calls me from her work to ask for an terapeutic appointment ... I have already started the managements.
slowly.....
Thanks SO.
I also have an obsessive personality and have for many years. This runs parallel to elements of OCD, which were brought into my awareness through the LE. I think everyone has this, in varying degrees.
At the very least, she is willing to go to therapy.
I think that every possibility of saving the marriage must be explored.
I didn't have this luxury, as DH was in denial of not only the existence of LO (and subsequently, could not even utter his name), but in holding the belief that I was the one with the problem and only I could solve it. He accepted no responsibility for the role he played in that.
I tried to salvage/save it myself--trying new ways to reconnect or to expand the communication, but it never stuck. There would be a temporary change for a few weeks and then revert back to the old way. As an example, in the mornings, I tried to make it into a "coffee hour" to open the communication instead of "tv hour". That stuck for a while and then slid back into me being allotted "talk time" between commercials.
The ironic part of this is that the lawyer (which SO paid for) who started with our case quit and my replacement had the same first name as LO. So, in conversation, I would say to SO, "I talked to (name) today and I a need this document signed to go there tomorrow." SO would just freak out - like what, you talked to LO on the phone? To this day, LO retains the label of LO and thus, has no identity.

This is a very difficult situation and extremely hard to navigate, and especially so with a teenager in the midst of it. Our daughter was 14, so I extend the best to you and sincerely hope that it can be revitalized.
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
IvB
Posts: 280
Joined: Thu Nov 12, 2020 8:30 pm
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Re: Muy diary as SO:

Post by IvB »

Of course every possibility to save the marriage is important but SO here seems to be suffering a long time already without any progress at all. While in limerence recovery, there are steps back, I know that very well, however your wife seems to be in complete denial still. Lies about data transfer? It doesn't seem like you are moving along. What about a temporary separation, like "taking a break"? Or if you just tell her it's over, so she gets the reality check? If I imagine my SO finding out about my limerence and asking for divorce, it would certainly have helped me to snap out of the haze faster ...
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