Muy diary as SO:

[Significant other]

Hello IvB, thank you for your contribution.
We have already been through the separation phase this summer and the threat of divorce as well. We have both consulted lawyers and she has been looking at rental apartments. But we really don't want that.
It seems that after a year, finally she is ready to go to therapy. I have already contacted a new couple psychologist.
I think the stage of denial, lies, projections is running out, and there are no more exits.
My position of anger at lack of trust is firm, despite her attempts to appease me with sex.
We will see the degree of commitment of her with the treatment.

[Significant other]

In the last speeches I have been able to capture / filter something new and very revealing
The reason for the LE of my DW has not exactly been inattention on my part, it has been revenge for jealousy (these, yes, imagined) when I came back late from work.
My business closes at 9:30 p.m., then we have to check 4 cash registers of income, order from 4 suppliers, etc ... The fact is that we left at 22: 00/22: 15, every day and then the journey back home of about 20/30 minutes and park ... total that I arrived home very late ... almost at 23:00. In addition to night guards every 11 days.
At the end of 2019 I hired another employee, I have freed myself from that schedule and now I leave much earlier, 18: 00/19: 00.
The most curious thing is that she accused me of pathological jealousy, despite all the evidence that I have been collecting for almost 2 years. Apparently it is very common for the cheater to accuse his partner, precisely of his cheating.

[AMA210]

Yes, I believe you are correct in that accusing the other of cheating is a projection, perhaps as a way to justify the behaviors. Well, I know he is cheating on me because he is home so late every day, so this assumption is really a projection, but quickly becomes a justification and then an actual belief. Doing this makes it easier to deal with.

In my case, I didn't participate in this accusation and maybe because ex SO knew about it from the beginning. Also, I think I had totally convinced myself that because there wasn't anything physical going on (beyond pats on the shoulder and back), I was not doing anything wrong. Although I should have realized that the efforts that I put into making myself as attractive as possible towards LO should have raised a flag that I was doing this with a married man. It was a mess from the onset, as I didn't like his SO at all, and was actually her fault that she wasn't able to give him what he needed, so he had to look elsewhere for that.

[Significant other]

In the late summer of last year, I remember talking to DW on a ride about infidelity. As almost always, she gave more importance to EA and me to PA.
A few weeks later I was shocked when I noticed the changes in DW, hiding to communicate with the phone, never leaving it, bad mood with me, euphoria when reading messages, spending a lot of time preparing, asking for quotes for cosmetic treatments. , distancing herself from me, altered sexual frequency (surprisingly much higher), etc ...
Then I radically changed my mind. An EA is much more serious. Intimacy and trust disappear for most of the day and for a long time, years (LE). And a PA can be just one time and quickly forgotten.But for me, it would be impossible to hide it.

[AMA210]

In the late summer of last year, I remember talking to DW on a ride about infidelity. As almost always, she gave more importance to EA and me to PA.
A few weeks later I was shocked when I noticed the changes in DW, hiding to communicate with the phone, never leaving it, bad mood with me, euphoria when reading messages, spending a lot of time preparing, asking for quotes for cosmetic treatments. , distancing herself from me, altered sexual frequency (surprisingly much higher), etc ...
Then I radically changed my mind. An EA is much more serious. Intimacy and trust disappear for most of the day and for a long time, years (LE). And a PA can be just one time and quickly forgotten.But for me, it would be impossible to hide it.

Yes, I agree with all here, and especially an EA being more detrimental than a PA.
An EA is more difficult to hide, as you said.
I can definitely attest to that statement, as every single time that I mentioned LO to DH, the excitement in my voice and expression was blatant, and usually ended up blushing like crazy. It took a very long time to not get into that state. At the very least, you accept it, as it's much easier to pretend that the said actions are for another reason. As in mine, it was much easier for DH to ignore it.
I grew to hate my reaction to LO, but was to the point of not having any control over it at all.
From the onset, I knew that it was an EA and I tried really hard to stop it from progressing, but with every attempt, I was sucked back into the drama, with LO whispering in my ear all the while, it's ok, we can still be friends and it won't be weird. Absolute madness this limerence is!

[Spadge100]

I can attest to an EA being harder to get over, but a PA that goes on for some time almost always has an emotional element to it unless it’s a one night thing.

My SO saw her affair partner about ten times in total, four times overnight. The images of these nights haunt me currently, but what hurts most is the RA element of the affair. The fact it was going on under my nose and I didn’t realise coupled with the fact I had my own EA so I know how much they invade the mind long after they are discovered or disclosed.

I am glad I now so much about affairs and limerence from this forum but it’s a double edged sword as you also know how hard those memories and fantasies are to let go of.

[Significant other]

Hello Spadge100, I hope you gradually feel more self-esteem.
Getting to live recurring images of the traumatic event seems to me a maddening experience.
I would let DW know about the suffering you are going through. And that her selfishness and lack of honesty contrasts with your confession of your LE (EA). There is no valid justification or excuse for her behavior.
However, you want to stay with her, but she has to work to reestablish your trust. You also have to change the rules and build a new stronger and healthier relationship.
Cheer up!

[Significant other]

"I would let DW know about the suffering you are going through. And that her selfishness and lack of honesty contrasts with your confession of your LE (EA). There is no valid justification or excuse for her behavior.
However, you want to stay with her, but she has to work to reestablish your trust. You also have to change the rules and build a new stronger and healthier relationship.
Cheer up!"
This really ,was for my self,for our psychologist session.
Proyections.
Sorry

[AMA210]

Sometimes, projection is necessary, in order to understand ourselves better.

[Significant other]

Well, we finally had our first treatment session, it was like throwing ourselves plates,
a kind of battle.
In the end, the psychologist sent us homework, I am prohibited from investigating her phone further and not commenting on LO outside of the treatment.
do not make innuendo, etc ...
DW (LS) must not complain so much about everything, she has to bite her tongue.
On the other hand, in my private therapy, talking about the problems with the education that we give to our youngest daughter, very hyperactive and other problems
concomitant, which consumes a lot of time and energy ..., she asked me if we did not contradict each other in front of our daughter. I said no.
Well, it turns out, DW
She has discredited me and continually complains about everything ("your battered chicken has burned, I don't eat this" --- false) to the point of threatening me with separation or divorce again, in addition to trying to unilaterally impose the destination of our savings, when I am limited by she,in terms of amount to invest in the stock market (only 10% of the last capital gains), for example ...
She wants command, power, absolute control and of course, indirectly, responsibility and guilt.
Guilt that returns to her and draws out of her, towards me, and we begin again ...
Much work to do.