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My recovery is stuck in a loop

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DreamingBlue
Posts: 224
Joined: Fri Dec 11, 2020 11:33 pm
United States of America

My recovery is stuck in a loop

Post by DreamingBlue »

I just keep coming up with reasons that I HAVE to have my drug. I keep, keep going back to see some picture of her online.
The absolute worst is when I go to her BF's page. I see her life, her lovelife, all that I was dreaming of, being experienced by someone else.
But my limerent beast says its worth it to get to see her face. Isn't that sick? I'm an addict. There's no way around it. I'm a fucking addict. Addict of what though? Of fantasy, I think. Of romantic perfection. I found this woman when my marriage and homelife were subpar. I then reactivated all my fantasy/crush muscles in an instant. Two years later, I think of her every day I wake up. And it makes me sick.

At least I haven't contacted her. Coming up on 3 months NC. I am proud of that. But I want this story gone from my head. I want thoughts of her gone. I am begging you, once again, to tell me that one day they will be. I think I'm gonna die with these thoughts.
AMA210
Posts: 2385
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
Gender:
United States of America

Re: My recovery is stuck in a loop

Post by AMA210 »

DreamingBlue wrote: Thu Sep 09, 2021 12:47 am I just keep coming up with reasons that I HAVE to have my drug. I keep, keep going back to see some picture of her online.
The absolute worst is when I go to her BF's page. I see her life, her lovelife, all that I was dreaming of, being experienced by someone else.
But my limerent beast says its worth it to get to see her face. Isn't that sick? I'm an addict. There's no way around it. I'm a fucking addict. Addict of what though? Of fantasy, I think. Of romantic perfection. I found this woman when my marriage and homelife were subpar. I then reactivated all my fantasy/crush muscles in an instant. Two years later, I think of her every day I wake up. And it makes me sick.

At least I haven't contacted her. Coming up on 3 months NC. I am proud of that. But I want this story gone from my head. I want thoughts of her gone. I am begging you, once again, to tell me that one day they will be. I think I'm gonna die with these thoughts.
Hi DB,
Good to see an update from you here.
The loop from hell keeps us stuck. It's a nasty, life-sucking loop, and I have been on several of them, and this was after the initial rollercoaster one (hit/high/low).
One of my loops has been having to know that LO is ok. I have to tried to figure out why this is, as I don't seem to have this with anyone else. This has been whittled down to a simple fact now - if his truck is moved to a different location on that property, then he is ok, because he put it there. Sometimes, there is an extra step to this, as in my interpretation of why that location was chosen, and I try to stop this rumination before it starts.

He is in my thoughts every day also and I try to remember that at some point in the future, he will not be. Although, this is of little help, as it's very frustrating to not get stuck in the past.
The only comparison I can use would be my teen crush from ages 10-15 and then I moved on to actual boys, and then it was reactivated at age 40-45, and then moved on again, and within the past year, this crush became visible on social media, sharing his life, and touring again in small casinos, and it surprises me to say this, but I really have no desire to go and see him. So, from this, it does fade eventually.

You are not sick and not a bad person at all - none of us here are. This forum represents a very small percentage of people who are afflicted with this, as there are most likely millions of people who do. We are not alone in our struggles.
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
David
Site Admin
Posts: 3859
Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2014 8:22 pm
Location: London UK
Gender:
Age: 64
Great Britain

Re: My recovery is stuck in a loop

Post by David »

Hi db

Your post resonates with my own trajectory all those years ago.

i wish there were more drug research on psychedelics on alleviating the anxiety that goes along with limerence - had i known how long my own limerence was going to linger for and how much it paralysed me, i would have been up for being experimented on.

for some of us, the progression through our limerence is excruciating slow. I wish there were quicker fixes.
Purchase the 24 part video series on overcoming limerence - see https://limerence.thinkific.com/courses/healing-limerence
DreamingBlue
Posts: 224
Joined: Fri Dec 11, 2020 11:33 pm
United States of America

Re: My recovery is stuck in a loop

Post by DreamingBlue »

Thanks, AMA and David.

David, funny you should mention psychedelics. Reading "How To Change Your Mind" by Michael Pollan was fascinating.
There ARE people I have discovered, on reddit, who specifically went for ketamine-assisted psychotherapy to lick limerence.
They have reported some success. Ketamine has an effect on neuroplasticity, and glutamate, which may play a role in some of our "stuck" thoughts.
I am actively looking into it.
virusbkk
Posts: 92
Joined: Sun Jun 06, 2021 7:37 am
Hong Kong

Re: My recovery is stuck in a loop

Post by virusbkk »

Nothing to be alarmed about - you would not be the first.

My recovery was stuck in a loop for a while as well (about a month) - I'm currently about 5 months into NC with the ex-AP/LO.
I relapsed after deleting her contact info - it made me realise that I had really severed all ties, and a part of me was questioning the decision.
The ruminations became a little stronger for a while, but now I'm back on the road to recovery.

Recovery will always be two steps forward, one step back -
as long as there's incremental progress in the forward direction, you should be fine.
marko
Posts: 1802
Joined: Sun Feb 26, 2017 4:20 pm
United States of America

Re: My recovery is stuck in a loop

Post by marko »

My dumb NC break yesterday was two hours of pure bliss, and now back to blah. On a good note for you, I went from once a month, to 3 months to a year and it really got easier. She flitters past in my mind like any other thought, but passes like most. A few days here and there I miss it, miss her and pretend the LE world, but it goes pretty fast. Don't underestimate how hard and deep this is. My destructive self is also a constant reminder that loops me back to escape all the time. Keep at it, it will subside, ebb and flow, but don't be too hard on your journey.
AMA210
Posts: 2385
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
Gender:
United States of America

Re: My recovery is stuck in a loop

Post by AMA210 »

Great to see you here, Marko!
Thanks for the update! :D
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
David
Site Admin
Posts: 3859
Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2014 8:22 pm
Location: London UK
Gender:
Age: 64
Great Britain

Re: My recovery is stuck in a loop

Post by David »

maybe there will always be some triggers? I discovered recently that a client ive been working with for a few years now with limerence lives down the same road as my LO! :-\ . It triggered some mild and containable feelings, nonetheless still feelings of positive regard towards LO.
Purchase the 24 part video series on overcoming limerence - see https://limerence.thinkific.com/courses/healing-limerence
Significant other
Posts: 138
Joined: Tue Apr 06, 2021 11:09 pm
Gender:
Age: 57
Spain

Re: My recovery is stuck in a loop

Post by Significant other »

It is curious, after 7 months of NC, from my wife (LS), every time we bring up the subject, she is overprotective with LO, she is afraid that, since I have his phone, whatsapp account and professional information, i will threaten or he even assaults LO at work.
It must also be said that the objective thoughts of rejection towards him, are imposed little by little.
IvB
Posts: 280
Joined: Thu Nov 12, 2020 8:30 pm
Czech Republic

Re: My recovery is stuck in a loop

Post by IvB »

I also think that there will always be some triggers. For me any time I see a guy on a motorcycle or certain words we used chatting. But as Marko says, hopefully mostly it will be just a passing thought, disappearing quickly and not leaving many emotions.
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