Acceptance

[Struck613]

I've come to accept that I will never see LO again. While that is obviously a good thing in terms of ending my limerence, it's something that I haven't really been willing to come to grips with until recently. I think part of me is still sad about it, mainly because it just happened so unexpectedly and I didn't have any time to prepare myself for it.

I was used to seeing LO everyday at work. I didn't expect that to change at all. Obviously one of us could've left, but at least there'd be some grace period between finding that out and actually leaving. Then, one day we're told to start working remotely. I initially figured we'd be back before too long, but then the days turned to weeks turned to months, and before I knew it we still weren't back in the office and LO had left her job. Even still, I figured I'd see her at some point. The group chat we're both in with like six or seven coworkers was talking about getting together to catch up at the beginning of the summer, so I was sure I'd see her then. We never did. Her good friend and also my coworker left the job too and we had a going away get together that LO was invited to, so again I was sure I was going to see her, but with no warning she just didn't come. Our company had an event over the summer, and though both LO and her friend no longer worked there they were initially told they'd be invited to come to that, so again I knew I'd see her there. But that event came and passed and they ended up not being invited.

And though we're still "friends" (I say friends in quotes because it's clear we were never anything more than work friends, who now no longer work together), our communication has grown less and less frequent. There are no more of these things lined up that I'm expecting to see her at. Nothing is going to magically come together to put us in the same spot again. I'd have to actively make a plan to see her at this point if I were to see her again.

Again, as far as limerence is concerned all this just means that it'll be even easier to go NC which will only help in the healing. But part of me also feels like I never got proper closure and a chance to say goodbye. Maybe that wouldn't have helped at all and it's just as well. If for nothing else, I will say the LC (which is increasingly turning into NC) has 100% helped.

[IvB]

I agree, Struck, LC definitely helps. I am glad to hear that you have come to terms with not seeing LO again. I am the same. You are right, the sadness remains for a long time, until it turns into a kind of dull neutral feeling.... I am definitely very happy that my LO left his job, otherwise I would have had to do it myself.

[Struck613]

I've gotten even more confirmation that I will never see LO again. LO and my former coworker that she was roommates with had a falling out and basically don't speak anymore. It's bad enough that in the event we did have a get together with our work friend circle (which is the only way I envisioned I may see LO again in the first place), I think at least one of the two of them wouldn't come. And though I'm personally closer to LO, I could see a world in which her friend initiates some plan but I can't imagine LO would. So I think LO wouldn't go to this theoretical event.

This is where I still cling on to some ill-fated hope though. I know about their falling out only because LO told me about it. And she said several times basically she was only telling me and I shouldn't say anything to anyone else. So it is clear that she values our relationship above any of the other people in our circle that know both her and her friend. I just can't come to grips with the fact that she just sees me as a friend, I guess. But at this point I think the responsibility is on her to make it clear if she did ever see me as anything other than a friend since I have already asked her out. She already said no once, I have to assume that's still the case unless she explicitly says otherwise.

I guess this is also why I should really go full NC. This "friendship" will never be fulfilling for me because I will secretly read into everything as a sign that she wants to be more than friends. I have at least reached a stage where I'm not all consumed by her. But if I'm honest with myself, as long as we continue any form of communication I'll be clinging on to some hope.

[IvB]

I agree, every little chat sucks me back into the misery, even though every time less and every time I get back out of it faster. At least now I don't feel like my life cannot go on if I never see LO again. Life is dull but it goes on. I have it easier than you, I suppose, because my LO doesn't initiate contact, even though he happily responds. Another proof that he doesn't see me as a priority. At some point I will get to NC. My record is 3 weeks, that's a progress from this time last year when I was unable to survive a day without communication. We keep trying, I have no energy to fight, just small steps.

[peter.rabbit]

...my LO doesn't initiate contact, even though he happily responds. Another proof that he doesn't see me as a priority.

Seems to be a common trait with LOs, it is good to recognize that fact, as it gives a clearer perspective on a very complex relationship. I actually feel more in-control as more truths about my LO come to light.

[IvB]

You are right. While I never idealized my LO, I am now past the stage when he could do no wrong. I realize that I am far less important for him than he for me so that helps the recovery process. Every day a bit less love.

[Struck613]

Today is LO's birthday, which always presents a bit of a challenge. Normally I'd think I shouldn't say anything, because there's no reason for me to know it's her birthday. But for some reason, I'm really good with birthdays generally and if I hear someone's birthday once I commit it to memory. This has come up with LO before so she knows that, so it wouldn't come off as creepy/weird that I knew. I'd decided I wasn't going to say anything though, because to be honest if I didn't have the ulterior motive of her being my LO I probably wouldn't.

She sent me something earlier today, and I responded but didn't wish her a happy birthday or acknowledge that I knew it was her bday. I was fine with not saying anything when I didn't plan to talk to her today, but I do feel a little bad now. Whatever, she didn't say anything about it being her birthday so there's really no reason I should know and if I'm not that a good of a friend to her then so be it. Maybe it'll make NC easier to come by.

[AMA210]

It's interesting that you received a message from LO on her birthday. Maybe the line was thrown out there to see if you would remember.

LO birthdays are hard to deal with.
I try to turn it around and ask myself if the LO would remember mine or not.
Has she remembered yours in the past or not?
If not, then no reason at all to feel bad about it.

[Struck613]

AMA I wondered the same thing. I thought a) it was weird she would take the time out on her birthday to reach out to me, and b) maybe she was fishing to see if I'd remembered but then I sort of dismissed those thoughts as being too self-centered. There could be any number of explanations that don't have a deeper meaning. But that was my first thought as well.

And no, she has not. In the three years I've known her she's 0/3 saying something to me, so I think that's a good way of thinking about it.

[AMA210]

Excellent!

Honestly, that is the first thing that came into my mind when I read your post. I literally had the image of someone with a fishing pole throwing the line out!

And since she is 0 for 3, and you know for a fact that she knows when your birthday is, I would say that is enough to justify not feeling bad about extending that greeting to her.

There is something just weird about that - something in general that irks the crap out of me, and not just the LO. For example, if you share the same birthday with someone and they don't remember that, very annoying to me. Equally so if the days are a few apart or even one day apart. This just doesn't sit well with me. It's such a basic give and take example, and some people are just takers, period.