Approaching 6 months NC

[virusbkk]

I am approaching almost 6 months of NC with the LO/ex-AP.
All her contact info was deleted sometime ago as an added measure to remove the inclination to re-connect.
I won't lie - the recovery journey so far has been exactly that - a journey of ups and downs.

Was doing great until a few months ago and then had a momentary relapse for about a month.
The ruminations / fantasies came back more frequently during that time,
but I've recovered since then and am on the right track again.

Recently, I was feeling resentment and anger.
The LO used me to fill a temporary void in her life & to get over her ex.
But then I realised that I used her too - for physical and emotional closeness outside my marriage.
It was a brief exchange - a transactional relationship - give something in exchange for something in return.

Limerence also makes you lose self-awareness and places a set of blinders in front of your eyes.
I pushed an aggressive pace and broke boundaries of the relationship from the very beginning -
initiating contact, setting up dates, escalating physical contact & unprotected sex - all in less than 3 weeks.

Amidst all of this, I failed to listen to my gut telling me that the LO wasn't very into me at all, right from the outset -
she was just onboard for the ride, with her emotional baggage in tow.
Ultimately, the momentum caught up to her and she jumped off the train.

I could have easily walked away after the first few dates and things would have fizzled out -
it is what my gut was telling me to do, even on the very night that I was on my way to the LO's apartment for the first time.
I still remember that exact moment clear as day when I was considering turning around & running in the opposite direction.
My gut was screaming at me not to betray the SO & get entangled in an affair that could have far-reaching consequences.

But, I was relentless - determined to acquire this new & shiny jewel, no matter what the cost.
And acquire it I did - if only for a brief moment, until the jewel moved beyond my grasp.

Was the temporary euphoria worth all the obsession & suffering that would follow?
I'll say no.

But as an important life lesson? Probably yes.

My recovery journey has been like driving without a map
I got lost..
But then I found my way.
I got lost again momentarily, but have found my way again.
I'm driving to destination unknown, but I'll know once I'm finally there.

[theorina38]

Good to read your update!

Follow your heart where it wants to take you and don't rush into anything. Take time to heal.
Try following your curiosity. What do you want to do less of and more of? What's something you want to learn? Etc.