Looooooong term Limerence (29 years)

[L-F]

But it can never work with the way I look at things today.

Can you please expand on this?

[shoegazer]

But it can never work with the way I look at things today.

Can you please expand on this?

If she were to leave her husband, and I were to leave my wife, as things currently stand for me with my issue with limerence, I think we'd have a relationship that would disintegrate over time. I put her up on a pedestal to the degree that I look past every fault, every manipulation, every insecurity, that it's not how a real/healthy relationship could work. So, the only way I think things could truly work for her and I, is if we both learned a lot about ourselves independently, and both learned to truly love ourselves. If not, it would be a lot of fun for a short period of time, then real life would set in. And I think the basic self awareness that I'm learning about my condition would hopefully remove the blinders to a degree that I've had on for so long. That said, when I see her or am in her presence I am helpless. And whenever she would feel me pull away, she would FaceTime me since she knew that would suck me right back in.

[L-F]

And whenever she would feel me pull away, she would FaceTime me since she knew that would suck me right back in.

This behavior is never one-sided. Both play a part.
However, your fixation is one-sided. She might be in love or in lust with you, yet, it doesn't always mean she's limerent (unless she is fixated on you that is).

So, the only way I think things could truly work for her and I, is if we both learned a lot about ourselves independently, and both learned to truly love ourselves.

And if you both do, so what? All it means is that you are two individuals who love themselves.
What she does is none of your business, and vice versa. Limerents tend to make the assumptions that LO is a part of them, and act accordingly.

But it can never work with the way I look at things today.

Can you please expand on this?

I put her up on a pedestal to the degree that I look past every fault, every manipulation, every insecurity,

All limerents do.

that it's not how a real/healthy relationship could work.

Are you suggesting that if you don't put a person on a pedestal, its considered healthy love? Could you use your current non-limerent relationship with your wife and others as a guide?

I think you've done well to reach your level of awareness in such a short time regardless of how long you have been limerent.

[AMA210]

Thanks Shoegazer and I learned something new today, as I had no idea it's actually a genre of music!
You have posted a lot here in a short time, which is great, and indicates forward movement in a better direction.
The self love part takes a lot of work. When I ended up here (will be five years next month), I only knew the term, but really didn't understand what all of that meant. You will get there!

[shoegazer]

And whenever she would feel me pull away, she would FaceTime me since she knew that would suck me right back in.

This behavior is never one-sided. Both play a part.
However, your fixation is one-sided. She might be in love or in lust with you, yet, it doesn't always mean she's limerent (unless she is fixated on you that is).

So, the only way I think things could truly work for her and I, is if we both learned a lot about ourselves independently, and both learned to truly love ourselves.

And if you both do, so what? All it means is that you are two individuals who love themselves.
What she does is none of your business, and vice versa. Limerents tend to make the assumptions that LO is a part of them, and act accordingly.

Can you please expand on this?

I put her up on a pedestal to the degree that I look past every fault, every manipulation, every insecurity,

All limerents do.

that it's not how a real/healthy relationship could work.

Are you suggesting that if you don't put a person on a pedestal, its considered healthy love? Could you use your current non-limerent relationship with your wife and others as a guide?

I think you've done well to reach your level of awareness in such a short time regardless of how long you have been limerent.

I haven't mastered how to do a shorter quote, but wanted to reply directly to you.

I would say she was limerent, at least until her husband found out what happened. She initiated the conversation every day. She said things like "I think I'm addicted to talking to you". She talked often about struggling to have sex with her husband since she only thought about me. Now, it's possible she wasn't, and it was a lust type thing. My fixation has gone through the roof since her husband found out about parts of the affair. And I'm learning that I do this, not only in relationships, but in other "rejections" I get in life. I go from feeling like I'm ok not having something, to having it taken away and the crushing feeling that I wasn't chosen.

Regarding the question about us working on ourselves independently.... I did view her as part of me. I thought we were inseparable, that neither of us could possibly feel whole without the other. My feelings though are that if we were to have an actual relationship in the real world that thrived, at least I would have to look at her as not the entire cake and the frosting in my life, but maybe just the frosting to use an analogy. And the way for me to do that, is to start working on my own personal development to where I knew I had everything I ever needed inside of me.

Regarding putting her on a pedestal. I don't think there's anything wrong with greatly admiring someone. Or feeling exhilarated by their presence. Where I feel I have gone wrong with my LO, is I don't view her as she actually is. All of her quirks that I view as "cute", in a lot of cases are issues with self esteem, manipulation, and other factors. In a relationship setting where you're coming home to your LO every day, this would become exhausting for me I'm sure. And what I view as "just her, so it's amazing", would end up challenges that I can never really overcome. I viewed myself as the rescuer, and I think that's always been a big part of our relationship. But it wasn't me rescuing her from her own issues, it was me feeling like I could truly show her how amazing she is and constantly lift her up where she wouldn't feel the self doubt she feels. Nobody can give a person that of course. So, it would end up in constant disappointment that I had come up short for her, and I'd blame myself since in my eyes she's "perfect".

Thanks for your comments. I've been seeing a life coach for a while, and used to about 10 years ago, so I think I understand the concepts and need to look inward to solve my problems. My life coach and I have been working a lot on law of attraction, and things like the Enneagram https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/type-descriptions and the 9 personality types associated. It's helped me understand myself, my LO, my SO, and others in my life better in the process. I have a LONG way to go of course...

[L-F]

I would say she was limerent, at least until her husband found out what happened.

Limerence doesn't work that way. I wish it did. No partner can snap you out of it, unfortunately.

Best to have her reply for herself whether she is or was limerent, that is, once she understands what limerence is.

Limerents tend to talk on behalf of their LOs. Codependent behavior? Idk. It's just weird saying you know your LO better than they do, in general that is. A lot of limerents will say things like "he did this because..." etc, when in fact they've never spoken to their LO face to face about limerence and asked for their input on the matter. I reckon its all part of the disease/illness/delusion.

Good thing you're working with someone. Limerence isn't easy to overcome by oneself. Doing great!

[L-F]

Regarding putting her on a pedestal. I don't think there's anything wrong with greatly admiring someone. Or feeling exhilarated by their presence.

True... if one isn't prone to becoming overly emotionally attached. Aka... limerent. As you've found out.

IMO it's about mastering our emotions and emotional maturity, among other things.

All the best shoegazer

[Significant other]

Hi, shoegazer, look here:
Limerence.net-Forum-Wellcome and background information-Abbreviations / acronyms.