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I have his phone #

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Keater
Posts: 58
Joined: Sun Nov 22, 2015 3:02 pm
United States of America

I have his phone #

Post by Keater »

So before, we would see each other 1-2 times a week and communicate on email if necessary, which would be a day or two in between replies. Today I got a text message from him.
It’s not a number that’s given out openly. I am spinning with the “what does this mean” type things. He also said something in an email that I am taking two different ways. He told me that he “loved” a project I had worked on.
I don’t know if I am completely full blown L, but it’s pretty bad.
Now I’m trying to talk myself out of reasons to text him.
It’s such forbidden fruit. Is that the allure? Is it that the fact he is nice to me? Do I just want to prove that I am desirable and wanted? Deep questions, and I have no idea.
I would hope that some deep part of me will not actually try to make something happen. But it’s a struggle.
Have you no idea that you're in deep?
I dreamt about you nearly every night this week
How many secrets can you keep?
'Cause there's this tune I found that makes me think of you somehow and I play it on repeat
Keater
Posts: 58
Joined: Sun Nov 22, 2015 3:02 pm
United States of America

Re: I have his phone #

Post by Keater »

Well I’ve even gone and done it.
I sent a
Good Morning
Message. No response. I feel so pathetic, obvious and embarrassing.
I want somebody to save me from this. Just pick me up and whisk me away from all of these feelings.
You know what’s sick!? I think if he actually admitted or showed interest in me then in my mind I will have “won” or achieved whatever I was trying to accomplish and I would shut down and withdraw, because I honestly don’t want a relationship with him. I have even imagined sleeping with him, or even kissing him and I know I cannot stand the overwhelming guilt and shame that I KNOW will come from this. I remember how this feels from the past and it is not worth it.
So, what’s even sicker? I am basically limerent for attention. I am limerent for approval and validation.
Why is my own validation not enough?
It’s hard being in my own brain when I am like this.
Have you no idea that you're in deep?
I dreamt about you nearly every night this week
How many secrets can you keep?
'Cause there's this tune I found that makes me think of you somehow and I play it on repeat
Significant other
Posts: 138
Joined: Tue Apr 06, 2021 11:09 pm
Gender:
Age: 57
Spain

Re: I have his phone #

Post by Significant other »

ABBC3_SPOILER_SHOW
Hi Keater.
Your reflections are very interesting: forbidden fruit, show that I am desirable and wanted, draw attention, approval and validation, when he shows interest in me I will have won and I will abandon him ...
They are very common feelings among the Limerents.
There are certain hysteroid neurotic traits (of personality, which by the way we,obsessive neurotics,finds fascinating): wanting to be the object a, of desire of the other (to be the center of attention), dissatisfaction and continuous doubts, thinking that relationships are more profound of what they really are, emotional lability, seduction, dramatization, etc ...
I love this quote from Joël Dor,about hysterical people"No chosen object will be able to reassure or fulfill its function in a more appropriate way than the one that was not precisely,the elected"
At least that's what helps me understand my limerent DW.
Do not torment yourself so much, just for saying hello!
Patience, listen to your guilt and shame, those are the moral standards that your unconscious wants to jump.
Relax, you are doing well. Reflect and do not get carried away by sensations, emotions and fantasies.
All this is conjecture of my own making, they do not respond to any serious diagnostic criteria, I am not a professional in the matter, their duration and number of symptoms, they do not meet the diagnostic rigors of any personality disorder, etc. of the DSM V , ICD10, etc ...For this is here David and company.
It's just an ( obsessive) attempt to understand ...
Please don't take it the wrong way.
Keater
Posts: 58
Joined: Sun Nov 22, 2015 3:02 pm
United States of America

Re: I have his phone #

Post by Keater »

Thanks for the response!
I fluctuate between feeling like everybody knows my thoughts, and how transparent I am in my feelings for him, to feeling pretty sure about myself and knowing that I’m not a blip on the radar for him. It’s a wild rollercoaster.
In other news, I booked an online therapy session with a new therapist (my old one I had some issues with and I didn’t feel like things were as private as they could be). Anyways, I’m feeling good about this. It’s in a couple of weeks and I feel like if I can divulge all of this on to somebody it will make me feel lighter!
I also tried to cover up the bad good morning text by pretending I had a serious question to ask that I forgot to send this morning.
Again, is this an obvious ploy? Lol
I blamed it on mom brain which if you’ve met me is totally believable!
Have you no idea that you're in deep?
I dreamt about you nearly every night this week
How many secrets can you keep?
'Cause there's this tune I found that makes me think of you somehow and I play it on repeat
Keater
Posts: 58
Joined: Sun Nov 22, 2015 3:02 pm
United States of America

Re: I have his phone #

Post by Keater »

Oh, and I am not taking it the wrong way!
I have talked to my sister about some of this. We think it has to do with our emotionally absent father as we were younger. It was obvious that my mother was bitter about this, and still resents him for her having to do most of the work with us kids when we were little. I think I am trying to fill a father void. And I have been for my whole life. My own husband is also pretty emotionally absent, so the L goes off seeking affection.
Have you no idea that you're in deep?
I dreamt about you nearly every night this week
How many secrets can you keep?
'Cause there's this tune I found that makes me think of you somehow and I play it on repeat
Significant other
Posts: 138
Joined: Tue Apr 06, 2021 11:09 pm
Gender:
Age: 57
Spain

Re: I have his phone #

Post by Significant other »

Very good, I am glad that you have sought help, and trust. That is fundamental. I was in psychoanalytic treatment 25 years ago, for 3 or 3.5 years. It has been one of the best things I have done in my life. Many traumas children and early adulthood to be resolved.
Knowing yourself is the first step to be happy. Congratulations and good luck.
Significant other
Posts: 138
Joined: Tue Apr 06, 2021 11:09 pm
Gender:
Age: 57
Spain

Re: I have his phone #

Post by Significant other »

By the way, how curious! (... not so much, hahaha), my wife recriminates me exactly the same, absence ... what I felt from my mother when I was a child, now I understand that it was for work (ahead of her time, gifted, independent, studious, restless, hard-working, etc ..., an impressive example, still today at 83 years old!), to give me a future, a great future, comfortable and stable of which I am now proud and grateful to My father was the same but it was clearer to understand his rules.
Each one of us acts as we can, according to our experiences, the most important thing is to appreciate the attitude and the effort to improve what we can. We have to forgive the parents to forgive ourselves and thus grow. A long way.
AMA210
Posts: 2385
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
Gender:
United States of America

Re: I have his phone #

Post by AMA210 »

Hi Keater,

It is exactly as you had said, about needing that attention and validation from someone else, namely LO, and by getting and keeping this, it literally tells us that we are worthy and enough. Although, we will do anything to get it, and it's all about proving this to ourselves, and not so much the LO.

I think it is mostly due to the childhood experiences/traumas with parents who are not emotionally available. Same situation for me - mom and dad were physically there, but talking about feelings were not the norm. It rarely happened and especially if we are described as too sensitive, then it slowly erodes any sense of self worth/esteem.

All of us here have always been enough and and the beliefs that rule our lives are false and must be changed in order to be free. I have recently realized that I am trauma bonded to LO because love is painful and trying to get any love out of someone who has narcisstic traits is like trying to get lemon juice from an apple.

Please try to move all of that focus and energy from LO back to yourself. Invest your time and energy into yourself and do what you enjoy. No response from him or anyone else for that matter is a response, so try to move past this.
Never give up! Keep moving forward, no matter what.
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