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Understanding what I've always known

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
peter.rabbit
Posts: 450
Joined: Wed Jul 24, 2019 12:27 am
United States of America

Understanding what I've always known

Post by peter.rabbit »

My Limerence has been lifelong, and I've always suspected that most of the women that I've been drawn to have been "emotionally withdrawn", like my mother. As I scrutinize my present LO and recall my past LOs I see the one common trait, their emotional unavailability. Not an earth shattering realization, but as I progress forward that one facet of this Limerence affliction becomes much more in focus.
The schism between my mother and I can not be repaired, but perhaps understanding the dynamics involved will help ease the present day effects.
Weak people revenge.
Strong people forgive.
Intelligent people ignore.
-Albert Einstein
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Understanding what I've always known

Post by L-F »

Just a thought Peter...
People make good mirrors
LOs make exceptional mirrors, IMO

Could it be that the emotionally withdrawn LOs mirror your own emotional availability?

Just a thought
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
peter.rabbit
Posts: 450
Joined: Wed Jul 24, 2019 12:27 am
United States of America

Re: Understanding what I've always known

Post by peter.rabbit »

L-F wrote: Sat Oct 16, 2021 8:19 am Just a thought Peter...
People make good mirrors
LOs make exceptional mirrors, IMO

Could it be that the emotionally withdrawn LOs mirror your own emotional availability?

Just a thought

Interesting perspective, @L-F. I have no doubt of being 'damaged goods'(ie: emotionally withdrawn) for sure. Maybe an archaic term "out-of-whack" better describes my emotional state. Eg: my wife will give me a warm smile when I enter a room, and I'll give a quick nod and actually sped up a bit while passing through. Other times I'll be overcome with emotion and fight tears...when no one is around. It occurs to me as I type this, that I should be telling a therapist this. I may have to find a therapist locally and pay out-of-pocket, as my health care plan's psychiatry services have become difficult to reach, plus it seems they prefer telephone "appointments". I hate talking on the phone, if I'm going to tell a stranger my inner most thoughts, I'd at least like to see their face.
Weak people revenge.
Strong people forgive.
Intelligent people ignore.
-Albert Einstein
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Understanding what I've always known

Post by L-F »

peter.rabbit wrote: Sun Oct 17, 2021 12:25 am I have no doubt of being 'damaged goods'(ie: emotionally withdrawn) for sure.
I wouldn't use 'damaged goods' to describe myself or anyone else. It carries a negative connotation for me. So in my eyes, you are not 'damaged'.

We are taught so many things growing up, but rarely have I seen or heard of people being taught about emotions. If someone isn't taught how to read, you wouldn't call them dumb. It's not the child's fault.
"When a flower doesn't bloom you fix the environment in which it grows, not the flower" Alexander den Heijer

So in short, one can learn what one was never taught.

As Viktor E. Frankl puts it, "Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom."

Yes talking to someone can be helpful. All the best Peter.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Understanding what I've always known

Post by L-F »

If raised by parents who weren't emotionally literate, then you can't really blame them for not teaching their children how to handle emotions in a way that improves their personal power and the quality of life around them. The same way you can't blame parents who are illiterate for not teaching their children how to read.

Emotional literacy improves relationships, creates loving possibilities between people, makes co-operative work possible, and facilitates the feeling of community according to French-born American psychotherapist  Claude Michel Steiner. 

That's why it's important to teach children healthy ways to express themselves when feeling fearful, angry, jealous, lustful or excited, etc. The parenting section here has some good info.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
peter.rabbit
Posts: 450
Joined: Wed Jul 24, 2019 12:27 am
United States of America

Re: Understanding what I've always known

Post by peter.rabbit »

L-F wrote: Sun Oct 17, 2021 1:08 am
peter.rabbit wrote: Sun Oct 17, 2021 12:25 am I have no doubt of being 'damaged goods'(ie: emotionally withdrawn) for sure.
I wouldn't use 'damaged goods' to describe myself or anyone else. It carries a negative connotation for me. So in my eyes, you are not 'damaged'. We are taught so many things growing up, but rarely have I seen or heard of people being taught about emotions. If someone isn't taught how to read, you wouldn't call them dumb. It's not the child's fault.
"When a flower doesn't bloom you fix the environment in which it grows, not the flower" Alexander den Heijer

So in short, one can learn what one was never taught. As Viktor E. Frankl puts it, "Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom."
Well being really close to turning 70 yr.s old I am full of the archaic terms of my time. In today's much more enlightened climate we seek to avoid judgemental terminology and instead look to the root causes of a particular condition, and the constructive solutions available. I am glad that civilization has become more 'civil', and has gotten past the blame & shame & corporal punishment days of behavioral modification.
L-F wrote: Sun Oct 17, 2021 1:08 am Yes talking to someone can be helpful. All the best Peter.
Thank you L_F.
Weak people revenge.
Strong people forgive.
Intelligent people ignore.
-Albert Einstein
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Understanding what I've always known

Post by L-F »

Yep no need to blame anyone. Just observe where the dysfunctional patterns stem from, work out if its serves you, and make a conscious decision whether to repeat old habits/behaviors or do things differently.

No one is too old to change. Your mother may have been emotionally withdrawn and you may not have had the emotional nurturing that you required to become emotionally literate, but, you do have the awareness to carve out new ground. I'm assuming one looks for someone who resembles their mother for a re-do at this mothering thing. You don't need to seek validation anymore. You are not going to get the mothering you seek from external sources (LOs) whether they are emotionally withdrawn or not.


Like seeks like. Sick attracts sick. A ferocious reader is not going to be attracted to someone who doesn't read. Be the person you want to meet. Be the person who inspires you. Don't wait for LOs to validate you to fill that void. That goes for couples. Be the person you'd want to fall in love with and it won't matter who pays attention or not.

Peter, no LO in this world will give you what your mother did not.

Go well!
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
peter.rabbit
Posts: 450
Joined: Wed Jul 24, 2019 12:27 am
United States of America

Re: Understanding what I've always known

Post by peter.rabbit »

L-F wrote: Sun Oct 17, 2021 10:23 pm Peter, no LO in this world will give you what your mother did not.
Exactly, hence the thread title "Understanding what I've always known". ;)
Weak people revenge.
Strong people forgive.
Intelligent people ignore.
-Albert Einstein
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Understanding what I've always known

Post by L-F »

peter.rabbit wrote: Mon Oct 18, 2021 12:57 am
L-F wrote: Sun Oct 17, 2021 10:23 pm Peter, no LO in this world will give you what your mother did not.
Exactly, hence the thread title "Understanding what I've always known". ;)
And how does it feel now you understand it?

I'm always amazed at how we talk about the same things year in year out. The same conversations you've participated in in the past. But there's a line one crosses when the penny drops. What triggered this understanding even though you've known about it from the start?

That's why I try not to say as much as I used to because it's like snacking my head against the wall. People will only hear what they want to hear.

The same goes for me too. We are such funny creatures.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
peter.rabbit
Posts: 450
Joined: Wed Jul 24, 2019 12:27 am
United States of America

Re: Understanding what I've always known

Post by peter.rabbit »

L-F wrote: Mon Oct 18, 2021 2:29 am
peter.rabbit wrote: Mon Oct 18, 2021 12:57 am
L-F wrote: Sun Oct 17, 2021 10:23 pm Peter, no LO in this world will give you what your mother did not.
Exactly, hence the thread title "Understanding what I've always known". ;)
And how does it feel now you understand it?
? Well, gaining a greater depth of understanding of a personal situation always gives a more "settled", empowering feeling.
L-F wrote: Mon Oct 18, 2021 2:29 amI'm always amazed at how we talk about the same things year in year out. The same conversations you've participated in in the past. But there's a line one crosses when the penny drops. What triggered this understanding even though you've known about it from the start?

That's why I try not to say as much as I used to because it's like snacking my head against the wall. People will only hear what they want to hear.

The same goes for me too. We are such funny creatures.
I'm not sure what you're trying to convey, but let me just continue with a thought I had in the middle of the night: instead of titling this thread " Understanding what I've always known" perhaps instead should have been " ongoing insights from my self-analysis". Learning is an ongoing process, and learning more about one's own inner workings takes work, often there is no 'short-cut' or sudden and striking realization.
Weak people revenge.
Strong people forgive.
Intelligent people ignore.
-Albert Einstein
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